You say love is what you put into it. You say that I'm losing my will.

i keep telling myself that this is the last time. that this is the last time you will open this wound that just can't seem to heal. and i thought that seeing you here would be different. that you would cry for me again and that i would cry for you, but that's not this. that's not what this is: a fairytale. i have no tears that you deserve to see. there are no words you could say to me to fix this. i no longer trust that the words that leave your lips are not mere lines; the same movie on repeat with a different leading lady. because i didn't want to hear that i was always on your mind or that you missed the sound of my voice.

because the truth is, that's exactly how i feel.

do you feel your soul trying to drag itself back to the home we created? do you hurt? because i ache.
and it was your lines that created this pain.

Something 'Bout an Angel just Kills Me. I Keep Hoping Something Will.

i don't know what it is. i have a certain air about myself, i suppose. i demand something that most people don't see or understand. i've been trying to put myself back out there, get him off my mind. (it's not working, all i end up doing is realizing that everyone is nowhere near as extraordinary. but that's not the point.) it always ends up the same, which until a friend told me otherwise, i thought was normal. these guys dote over me. they pry, to know every last inch of my life, down to the most recent breath. but that doesn't matter, i won't make that mistake again. i will forever be a mystery because i don't want to love anyone that way again. the hurt doesn't seem worth it. one day i know that will change.

I'm Giving Up on You.

there's an important difference between relying on people and depending on them; it'd be wise to understand it. one could always find people to rely on. people who made you stronger in their presence. people who made you work towards a better you. your roots would be planted firmly in the ground, intermingled. they would be of good moral stature, sturdy build, wise tongue. you would be able to feel your wings outstretching toward the heavens.

those you depend on though, they never make for a solid foundation. you learn to grow around them rather than together, often times you just don't see it until it's much too late. they make you weak and doubtful. you learn to use their opinion as your own. suddenly, you see your face in the mirror and realize it is not your own any longer. your eyes weary, face sunken, soul fleeting. when did this happen? you question. when did i become so empty?

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.

i tried to explain it to you once, but it was late and i was embarrassed and blabbering, which you never seemed to mind. you just let me try to speak as best i could before i got too tired to think.
i think that everyone's paths cross for a specific reason. everyone has something to say or do or create with the person that they are drawn to. it's as if the heart has strings that reach out for other hearts they're destined to. the shorter the string, the more that person will effect you, until you find the one whose heart is almost a part of yours. and when that happens, regardless of what each person believes, they're stuck. they can't escape this feeling that they've met somewhere before and perhaps they have. perhaps they've done this one lifetime after another. been connected, met, fell in love, and were ripped apart. maybe it's destiny. and sometimes destiny is shitty.

I Won't Be Your Kryptonite

so i'm going to say this again, because maybe it didn't come out as gracefully as i thought it did because i had been drinking. and maybe you don't remember it because you weren't of your right mind. i want to come with you. if i am losing you because you're leaving, i'm going too. i told you time and time again, i will fight for this, for us, for you. so this is not me saying "oh hey, if you asked me to, i'd consider it." what i'm saying is, you don't have to ask. i would do this willingly. i would do this happily.

A Letter to My Superman.

i love you.

and i know that you're going to look at me and tell me that that's not so because it's too soon, but it is. i'm not in love with you, this isn't some sort of end all, but this is so much more than like. i like giraffes and the color gray and the number 13. i like the way the sun feels on my face after i've swam in cold water. i like my job (well sometimes). but i love people, not because i get all caught up in the flowers and the presents and being able to say "oh yes, he is my boyfriend." i love people because they deserve to be cherished. they deserve to be held when they're sad or they're happy or they just don't know. they deserve to be heard and spoken to with kindness. i love people because to like them never seems good enough. and i chose to love you because regardless of what you've chosen, you've changed me. i don't just mean that you've introduced me to new things and made me more adventurous but you've made me love gently and whole-heartedly. you've opened me up in a way that no one has accomplished before and i'm grateful for that.

so no, i can't just sit here and feign indifference for the next five months. i can't come see you and spend the night because it will never be enough for me. because i too am a person and i deserve more love than you are ready to give and that's okay. i won't suddenly hate you for that or love you any less. i won't stop being there for you or stop holding you when you're sad or happy or you just don't know. i just can't stop loving myself less to make you feel like this is enough. you can't love someone halfway. so in loving both you and myself fully, it's my turn to choose and it hurts my heart to say it, but i will not stay and watch you tear yourself apart from the inside out. i cannot stay while i feel you trying to force me out of your mind to make leaving easier. one day soon, you will have to go and i was prepared for that. i was prepared to say goodbye because i knew that leaving was something that we had discussed, but you've been leaving since the day you brought this up. you've been packing away the memories and storing them in a dark corner of your mind. you've been repacking your heart for fear of it being damaged on the journey.

i understand all of this, because i've been there, i've lived this before in many different forms. but having to say inevitable goodbyes has taught me to live here, in the present, every single moment of the day. so i'm not thinking of five months from now. i'm not thinking about how i'll feel five months and one day from now or six months from now or a year from now. i'm only thinking of this very moment, of holding you just like this, right now. i'm thinking about how much this hurts like hell but how worth it everything up to this exact second has been. i'm thinking about how beautiful you are to me and for me, that much is enough.

Well Let Go, Just Jump In. Oh, Well Whatcha Waiting For?

i believe in fate. i believe that it is true what they say, whoever they is, "everything happens for a reason". i walked through the door and i felt his eyes; his sharp inhale. i can't explain why or how; quite honestly i haven't felt the passion beneath my fingers to even express any of what i've felt. he spoke words that might as well have been melodies that whispered my soul to wake.

with you, i've never felt so freed.