I'm Giving Up on You.

there's an important difference between relying on people and depending on them; it'd be wise to understand it. one could always find people to rely on. people who made you stronger in their presence. people who made you work towards a better you. your roots would be planted firmly in the ground, intermingled. they would be of good moral stature, sturdy build, wise tongue. you would be able to feel your wings outstretching toward the heavens.

those you depend on though, they never make for a solid foundation. you learn to grow around them rather than together, often times you just don't see it until it's much too late. they make you weak and doubtful. you learn to use their opinion as your own. suddenly, you see your face in the mirror and realize it is not your own any longer. your eyes weary, face sunken, soul fleeting. when did this happen? you question. when did i become so empty?

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.

i tried to explain it to you once, but it was late and i was embarrassed and blabbering, which you never seemed to mind. you just let me try to speak as best i could before i got too tired to think.
i think that everyone's paths cross for a specific reason. everyone has something to say or do or create with the person that they are drawn to. it's as if the heart has strings that reach out for other hearts they're destined to. the shorter the string, the more that person will effect you, until you find the one whose heart is almost a part of yours. and when that happens, regardless of what each person believes, they're stuck. they can't escape this feeling that they've met somewhere before and perhaps they have. perhaps they've done this one lifetime after another. been connected, met, fell in love, and were ripped apart. maybe it's destiny. and sometimes destiny is shitty.

I Won't Be Your Kryptonite

so i'm going to say this again, because maybe it didn't come out as gracefully as i thought it did because i had been drinking. and maybe you don't remember it because you weren't of your right mind. i want to come with you. if i am losing you because you're leaving, i'm going too. i told you time and time again, i will fight for this, for us, for you. so this is not me saying "oh hey, if you asked me to, i'd consider it." what i'm saying is, you don't have to ask. i would do this willingly. i would do this happily.

A Letter to My Superman.

i love you.

and i know that you're going to look at me and tell me that that's not so because it's too soon, but it is. i'm not in love with you, this isn't some sort of end all, but this is so much more than like. i like giraffes and the color gray and the number 13. i like the way the sun feels on my face after i've swam in cold water. i like my job (well sometimes). but i love people, not because i get all caught up in the flowers and the presents and being able to say "oh yes, he is my boyfriend." i love people because they deserve to be cherished. they deserve to be held when they're sad or they're happy or they just don't know. they deserve to be heard and spoken to with kindness. i love people because to like them never seems good enough. and i chose to love you because regardless of what you've chosen, you've changed me. i don't just mean that you've introduced me to new things and made me more adventurous but you've made me love gently and whole-heartedly. you've opened me up in a way that no one has accomplished before and i'm grateful for that.

so no, i can't just sit here and feign indifference for the next five months. i can't come see you and spend the night because it will never be enough for me. because i too am a person and i deserve more love than you are ready to give and that's okay. i won't suddenly hate you for that or love you any less. i won't stop being there for you or stop holding you when you're sad or happy or you just don't know. i just can't stop loving myself less to make you feel like this is enough. you can't love someone halfway. so in loving both you and myself fully, it's my turn to choose and it hurts my heart to say it, but i will not stay and watch you tear yourself apart from the inside out. i cannot stay while i feel you trying to force me out of your mind to make leaving easier. one day soon, you will have to go and i was prepared for that. i was prepared to say goodbye because i knew that leaving was something that we had discussed, but you've been leaving since the day you brought this up. you've been packing away the memories and storing them in a dark corner of your mind. you've been repacking your heart for fear of it being damaged on the journey.

i understand all of this, because i've been there, i've lived this before in many different forms. but having to say inevitable goodbyes has taught me to live here, in the present, every single moment of the day. so i'm not thinking of five months from now. i'm not thinking about how i'll feel five months and one day from now or six months from now or a year from now. i'm only thinking of this very moment, of holding you just like this, right now. i'm thinking about how much this hurts like hell but how worth it everything up to this exact second has been. i'm thinking about how beautiful you are to me and for me, that much is enough.

Well Let Go, Just Jump In. Oh, Well Whatcha Waiting For?

i believe in fate. i believe that it is true what they say, whoever they is, "everything happens for a reason". i walked through the door and i felt his eyes; his sharp inhale. i can't explain why or how; quite honestly i haven't felt the passion beneath my fingers to even express any of what i've felt. he spoke words that might as well have been melodies that whispered my soul to wake.

with you, i've never felt so freed.

"Her Hand, it Fit Mine."

"Usually adult males who are unable to make emotional connections with the women they choose to be intimate with are frozen in time, unable to allow themselves to love for fear that the loved one will abandon them. If the first woman they passionately loved, the mother, was not true to her bond of love, then how can they trust that their partner will be true to love. Often in their adult relationships these men act out again and again to test their partner’s love. While the rejected adolescent boy imagines that he can no longer receive his mother’s love because he is not worthy, as a grown man he may act out in ways that are unworthy and yet demand of the woman in his life that she offer him unconditional love. This testing does not heal the wound of the past, it merely reenacts it, for ultimately the woman will become weary of being tested and end the relationship, thus reenacting the abandonment. This drama confirms for many men that they cannot put their trust in love. They decide that it is better to put their faith in being powerful, in being dominant." ― Bell Hooks

i have no words of my own that speak quite as loud as this.

The Softest of Sounds for the Heaviest Things and the Pain that it Brings.

he had such sad eyes; your sad eyes. and i thought back to the day i realized i broke your heart. did you ever recover? sometimes, i think that i haven't.
has anyone ever explained what it's like to be on the other side? has anyone considered this side of the story? the distress in your throat, the strain in your voice, as you utter words that you clearly don't want to? it feels like someone stepping on your windpipe and you gasp and sputter, prying at this great nothingness that's entrapping you. i wanted this just as much as you did, possibly more. i wanted you more than anything i'd ever encountered and for once it didn't scare me. it didn't chase me away, it made me content. it made me happy. even now that word sounds strange on my tongue.
i can place the day that i knew i'd lost you for good, i was at the movies and you called drunkenly slurring that you hated your job and i wasn't there for you. that you hated how i wasn't there and that i wasn't trying hard enough because i didn't love you. i tried to talk you down. tried to tell you that i was trying as best as i could between 4 jobs and a 3 1/2 hour commute to you. you told me it didn't matter, i could do better. that's when it hit me: i would never be enough.
so what you saw as breaking your heart, wasn't really that one-sided and cruel. you see, there had already been irreparable damage on my end.