'Cause all too soon the Clock will Strike Midnight and She'll be Gone.

i dreamt about him last night, it's like he felt my anxiety attacking my body and came racing to the rescue, just like he used to.
i jumped into his arms and kissed him on the cheek, "oh how i missed you!"
he laughed, "hi princess, you look good"
i introduced him to everyone he'd never met and told him all the secrets that i've needed to share with someone who would help me.

it's not that i ever wish you weren't here, but i don't miss you the way i did when you first died. the pain's numbed over in a way that keeps me functioning. i make a mental note of all the things i want to share with you and somehow hope they reach your ears.

know that i love you. always.

The Waking Up is the Hardest Part

i rarely take naps these days, but today i decided i couldn't last until the evening. i faded off and almost instantly began to dream. i don't remember dreams so vivid in quite a while... the unrelenting pang in my heart, the unsteady breathing and mumbles. it goes without saying that it was far from a dream. and what's worse, i couldn't tell whether or not it was real. i continuously woke from my "dream state" only to find i was still asleep. it turned out to be more exhausting than if i had just continued with my day.

it was about him, my superman. he was alive, but only after i had grown used to his death. so when he came back it was strange. my mother's number had replaced his, our house was without room for him, overall i was lost. i had been lost without him and now lost with him. it was a terror i can't explain, sending jolts of pain into my body. and right before the close of the dream, he was gone again. i didn't think that anything could hurt more than losing him, i was wrong..

the second time was harder.

So I will Dance with Cinderella, while She is here in My Arms 'Cuz all too soon the Clock will Strike Midnight and She'll be Gone.

he takes care of me, even now. five years have almost passed and he still comes to visit. he stayed for a long time last night, just talking with me about nothing really. and then he complimented how much i've grown since he's last seen me. and told me how proud he is. is. not was, not could have been, is. and then he made me a peanut butter and banana sandwich. it was the best dream that i could ever ask for.

if you could come back, it would truly be the best kind of miracle.

Morning Hair Without a Care; Would You Ever be so Lucky?

sometimes, when the wind picks up i like to close my eyes and lift my arms as it skims around my body, dancing about the tangles of my hair.
sometimes, i like to inhale deeply and taste the fall on my tongue as it whispers something loving in my ear.
sometimes, i like to think that the wind is you, coming back to tell me that you miss me, or you're proud, or 'that this too will pass'.
<3