Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

i'm not sure what they taught you when you were home-schooled, but someone has done you a grave misjustice. perhaps they told you that if you mean the apology deep down, it counts for something. or maybe they said that people know when you feel bad for your past mistakes, and they take that into account when you say sorry.
or maybe you just fell and hit your head. hard.

regardless, you don't get to come back after four years and apologize. that's not how things like this work.
i mean, don't get me wrong, when you poured your heart and soul out on the other line, i felt sorry for you, for the pain you must have felt... but when i said it was okay, it wasn't because the apology fixed the problem. it was that somewhere down the line, during those four years that you disappeared, i didn't care for you very much. i lost interest, gained some sort of respect for myself and moved very, very far past you.
i realized that maybe you weren't ready to feel all of those feelings and i couldn't blame you for that. death is a scary thing. but i also realized that maybe i was ready to feel so much more than i could ever expect you to understand.. compassion never was a strong-suit for you.

and here i was, a girl well past my years, needing someone to follow me into the darkness.
but there you were, a young boy scared of the world even when the sun shone.

people like that don't work. 

they crash.

and then burn.

Is Love Alive?

i met him at a party.... not the opening words you want to hear about someone.
he seemed like a beautiful boy. but isn't that what i always say?
he seemed charming too. but isn't that what i always say?
maybe he'll be different. but i most certainly always have to add that on to the end of my thoughts.

for sanity's sake.

he walked my girl friends and i home from the party. and left after dropping me off at my room with a hug (thank god). then went on his way, never to be heard from again. no numbers exchanged, no kisses, no words. just the hug. i left my room to clean up after the party. when i returned, i saw his bag left in the center of my bed.

maybe he'll come back. that's not something i usually say... is it?
maybe he'll turn out sweet and want something more than what they all want. but maybe that's just my twisted mind cutting off the oxygen to my heart. 

I'm just Saying You Could do Better.

dear someone,

i think you've misunderstood who i am; how this works. i am not here just when it is convenient. i am not here when you want me to be or when you decide you need someone to talk to. i am not here for that time you got drunk and realized you were all alone. i am not here because you need me when you feel like needing me. i am here because this is where i decided to be for myself, not to make your life a little easier.
my life goes on without you the same way it did before i knew you existed. i am not like the other girls that swoon and melt over your good words and compliments. i am not interested in anything you can offer me. this is meant to be something fun, not something complicated.
if you would like to be with other girls, please, be my guest. go off and find someone more willing to be with you without any meaning behind it. because god knows i'm no good at it. i can't treat you like you're something beautiful if i don't find you to be something beautiful.
however, i am not a backup girl for when plans fall through. i am not a girl that will stroke your ego, because frankly, you shouldn't have one at all. when you are out with another girl, i am not home missing you and wishing you'd call. i'm out dancing with my friends and being charmed by men over drinks. when my phone buzzes, your name is not the one i expect and/or want to see on it's ID. i don't need you in order to clarify my meaning in life.
what i mean to say is, i am not waiting for you to take that second glance and say "my god, it's her." and if that time comes, somewhere down the road, i won't be surprised to hear you say it. nor will i cry and say "i've been waiting all this time." not because you don't seem to be a sweet boy, but because you never caught my eye. i could be your friend if that's what you want and we could have fun from time to time. but that's just it, you need to treat me as a person above all else.

- the cartographer above all else.

Don't You Wish I was? Don't You Wish We were?

i never noticed it, not until i tried to point it out to someone else.
it's my signature sentence: "he was a dick... actually he was a really nice guy, he was just a dick to me."
i must bring it out in people. it's sickening. exhausting.
i could rattle off stories about every guy i've ever been with. that one thing they did that started a spark of disaster that set off a never ending fire.


am i stronger? yes. 
does that make the pain hurt any less? no.