To Those Who are Concerned:

i want you all to understand something: i am not who you think i am. 

it's quite clear to me that a few of you seem to think i am someone you know, trust me, i am not. i could give you details of my life that would not match up to anyone else. you can ask me about such things, if you would like, but i do insist on my anonymity and ask you to respect that.

i like that everyone is curious as to get to know me and see the world through my eyes, but this is my place. this is my place to express how i feel when situations arise and to think things through without hurting those i love. i am letting you all in in a way that my loved ones have begged to hear but i cannot yet share.

so ask me, i'm dying to hear what you can come up with.

This is the Starting of My Greatest Fear, I'm all Packed up and getting Out of Here and then You Call and Tell Me Not to Go..

i've never been sure of how to speak up. how to say something before it's too late and usually that bites me in the ass..

our circumstance isn't right. it's not that we're dating other people or anything but it's just so complicated... i can't believe that love has been this complicated for so long. when did it become so challenging to speak up and express yourself? when did words seem to not be enough and just make everything worse? if this had always been going on, no one would have ever admitted to love and fallen in the first place.
how do you say something when you're so sure it will ruin everything? how do you live with the "what if's" if you choose not to?
maybe it's too soon, maybe it's not right. but maybe he's just as scared as i am.

And We are Changing Our Ways, taking Different Roads.

the song has begun to settle down into the back of my memory. it's still very much there when situations arise, but i've really solved a lot.

i've accepted that there are things i cannot change. people i cannot change.
and realized maybe i need to just separate from those circumstances.

i'm laying my superman complex down, realizing that maybe i just need to stop trying to save the world one person at a time. especially when it's clear they don't want to be saved. it feels like shooing insects away from an open flame; they become disoriented and end up right back where they were before they almost destroyed themselves.

it's not that i don't want better for them anymore, i still do. but all of that really tore me apart little by little. was i doing something wrong? was i just not good enough? no, that wasn't it. however, it took me years to realize that..

i can change the world without killing myself one piece at a time.

They Tell Me that You Never Sleep too Soundly, that You Might have even Missed Me, More Times than You can Count.

songs sit on repeat for reasons. you don't just like a song for no reason. you like a song for the beat or the melody or the lyrics. but the ones that remain on repeat for hours, days, weeks? they hold deeper purpose.
it's helping me sort out conflicts (i know it sounds farfetched).. you see, i've been trying to let go of people, of circumstances, of things i just can't keep saving. 

i've decided what i want: i want consistant. i want comfortable. i want someone who i can just cuddle on the couch and read with while they do paperwork. 
i don't want someone who treats me like i'm fragile or girly. i want to play video games and wrestle and go on hikes. i want to be seen as beautiful for who i am, not what they want to turn me into.
i don't want them to do things out of obligation, i want a spontaneous good morning text because they dreamt about me, but i don't want it to be a sick requirement. i don't want to sit on the phone for hours everyday like a routine and make them feel guilty if they don't have the time. all i want is to be able to send a text at the end of the day that says, "well, i survived another day" and to get  a reply that says "hah, me too."
i want a love with passion that isn't forced with a person who isn't just like me. i want to be able to go off and do my own thing and have them do theirs. and at the end of the day, i want to want to return to them. 
i just want to be understood and not feel like i need to constantly impress someone. i have friends who treat me that way, it just doesn't feel like enough anymore. it makes me content, keeps me silent. but it doesn't make me happy.
i think the biggest part of it is i want someone who trusts me and doesn't get jealous. i'm not asking for perfection, some jealousy is natural, but so many men have tried to cage me. i need to be free and wild, as i am now. but i want them to know that i'm so caught up in who they are that everyone else doesn't even matter. i want them to, on some level, understand that.

i want to settle down without settling.

It's a Problem that Our Choices Choose the Wrong Ones. That's Probably the Reason We're Afraid We'll Die Alone.

i saw him for the first time since last summer and it was exciting. he was he and i was i and together we still fit like we used to. it was simple, familiar. something so comfortable. the kind of friendship most yearn for. i think it may always be that way; a fact that i selfishly take for granted.
we get lost in each other.. so wrapped up in trying to remember, trying to continue on as if we had never fallen out of step in the first place, that we lose the rest of the world. to everyone else at that party, we must have seemed in love. we must have seemed as if we belonged in each other's arms. and i suppose, on the one hand, they wouldn't be wrong because there was certainly love there. just not the kind they were seeing. we had our own way of loving each other, a secret way almost. one that no one could quite understand besides us.
not for one second did i forget about our onlookers, i just didn't realize how they would see us. never would i have thought that my boy would see this friendship as a threat, but as the night went on i saw it on his face. the way he studied our reactions, our chemistry. i cringed, shifting away from my friend remembering that i wanted this boy as my future.

but it was too late, the damage was done..

we laid there giggling, remembering, while the world moved past us at warp speed. and although i missed the past, i wanted very much to be a part of my future instead of stuck in those memories.

We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve.

i don't know what it is honestly, but that book always spoke to me. it screamed for my attention from the moment i stumbled across its path. i don't really remember how, or why for that matter. but it was powerful, that feeling i surely remember. it was an anchor, lodged deep within my heart and i accepted it graciously.
when i first read through the pages, i thought wow, how strange, how incredibly familiar his voice seems. how do i know him? how can it feel like i've heard him speak time and time again?
the second time, i marked the pages, dark and deep, knowing that the voice i heard was no longer his, but mine. i knew him so well because i was him. he was me. and we understood each other, even if he was fictitious.
i grew on to live the way i had imagined he would have liked. i drew and wrote letters. i said nothing while saying everything. and most of all, i kept quiet...


for i had always been a wallflower
with every fiber of my being.

Lo Olvide

i was in love with a boy once.
i remember this unbearable urge to fight it. to forget him.
it was near impossible.

okay, perhaps that last part was a lie, because obviously after all this time, i haven't forgotten.
but he was suave and cool and had a way of making me smile.
i would blush thinking of him and stumble over his name.

all i wanted was to be free for so long, but if he had caught me..
if he had tried to cage me i would have never fought.
i would have sang from that cage until he trusted me enough to let me fly.
and i would soar,

but always return..

back into the arms that i certainly belonged to.