They Tell Me that You Never Sleep too Soundly, that You Might have even Missed Me, More Times than You can Count.

songs sit on repeat for reasons. you don't just like a song for no reason. you like a song for the beat or the melody or the lyrics. but the ones that remain on repeat for hours, days, weeks? they hold deeper purpose.
it's helping me sort out conflicts (i know it sounds farfetched).. you see, i've been trying to let go of people, of circumstances, of things i just can't keep saving. 

i've decided what i want: i want consistant. i want comfortable. i want someone who i can just cuddle on the couch and read with while they do paperwork. 
i don't want someone who treats me like i'm fragile or girly. i want to play video games and wrestle and go on hikes. i want to be seen as beautiful for who i am, not what they want to turn me into.
i don't want them to do things out of obligation, i want a spontaneous good morning text because they dreamt about me, but i don't want it to be a sick requirement. i don't want to sit on the phone for hours everyday like a routine and make them feel guilty if they don't have the time. all i want is to be able to send a text at the end of the day that says, "well, i survived another day" and to get  a reply that says "hah, me too."
i want a love with passion that isn't forced with a person who isn't just like me. i want to be able to go off and do my own thing and have them do theirs. and at the end of the day, i want to want to return to them. 
i just want to be understood and not feel like i need to constantly impress someone. i have friends who treat me that way, it just doesn't feel like enough anymore. it makes me content, keeps me silent. but it doesn't make me happy.
i think the biggest part of it is i want someone who trusts me and doesn't get jealous. i'm not asking for perfection, some jealousy is natural, but so many men have tried to cage me. i need to be free and wild, as i am now. but i want them to know that i'm so caught up in who they are that everyone else doesn't even matter. i want them to, on some level, understand that.

i want to settle down without settling.