And at Once I Knew I was not Magnificent.

things are not like fairytales. real life doesn't start with "once upon a time..." and end with "...and they lived happily ever after." it doesn't play out like the movies and get tied up in a nice little bow right before the credits roll. yet that's what people crave. that's what people strive for. this unrealistic facade that perhaps my life could end up that way, even if no one else's has. does anyone else find it exhausting? to work so hard for something always well out of reach? no, maybe it's just me. maybe i'm just striving for perfection because that's my personality. it just never ends, the story line may change here and there; replacing main characters and love interests, losing beloved cast members, but overall it doesn't change.

i don't change.

even though we'll never know what's up ahead, i'm never letting go.

so i'm a "big kid" now; all graduated and off into the world. how did that happen? what exactly led to this? i didn't rush it like most would. i really enjoyed my time, my professors, even some of my peers. and i can honestly say i'll miss a lot of it. no, i didn't get all misty eyed and sentimental. that's not my style, i'll see everyone again. i know that. but it was... important to me. these memories are ones i will cherish.

Suddenly I Have this Feeling, Tasting Copper in My Mouth.

it's funny, it was kind of like a dream. i walked off the runway and out the backstage door and there he was just sitting there waiting. he looked up and smiled at me and i felt my face flush. "sorry i missed you, i had class. but i came as soon as it was over." my awful day at work, my stressful final, my crazy eventful day leading up to the fashion show... it all melted away because he was next to me. he's become a drug in the worst way; once he's gone i ache. and it's not because i'm one of those terrible romantics (although i am) it's because i know he can't be mine, even if he should be.
i saw the way he stared, even after i changed back into my jeans and t-shirt, he felt something. but it's still something he'll never admit. possibly even something he'll never be able to admit.

so this is how it feels to be the other woman... i can't say i'm fond of the feeling.

Cause Blinded, I am Blindsided. Would You Really Rush Out for Me Now?

i don't try to explain my emotions to others anymore. it's not that i'm all cynical and keep to myself, it's just that a lot of people find me strange. they can't quite grasp my meaning behind the word love. i love a lot of people, in a lot of different ways. some for who they are, some for what they stand for, and others just because someone needs to love them. now that's not to say when the feelings aren't returned it doesn't hurt, it does. but i would rather them be happy loving someone else than unhappy alone. i think it comes with experience, or maybe it's just some sort of compassion.


"I'm starting to get a little freaked out, but I'm not gonna break. It's not because I don't care, because I do care what you think about me, I do. Care. I just can't tell you want you want to hear. Which seems to be a theme in my life right now. Just because you can't say something doesn't mean you don't want to, you can want to very much. You can be with a person and be happy with them and not love them. And you can love somebody and not want to be with them. You don't need to love someone to want them. Now that's frustrating, when what your brain tells you you want and what you actually want don't match up. It's exhausting. And, well, it's complicated. But that's life."

Tonight, Don't Leave Me Alone.

it was this horridly complex dream that wracked my body. i'm not sure what brought it about, or why i would finally have it within the depths of such a calm day. but as i awoke from it, my 6 hours of sleep went unnoticed. it was as if i hadn't slept at all. i've retained what i can and will try my bet to decipher it without giving away information.

i sauntered around the back-roads to my old school with a girl i can't quite place. her face looked like a mangle of people within my waking life. as we drove a battered, faded red truck passed us while i let out a trill of laughter. the boy in the car turned in my direction as if i had beckoned him, we locked eyes but my words couldn't escape the tightness in my throat. he shook his head, suggesting i had missed my chance to reach him.
it was the first a several dreams that hurt for reasons i can't explain.

i was in a dorm bathroom, a saying in quotes was smeared across the mirror in a harsh red lipstick that dripped around the edges like blood. i studied it, my thoughts flashing to a large pillared structure with the same words etched into it's framework. my friend and i raced to the building and ransacked a few rooms looking frantically for our next sign. i came across a weighted desk, looking for a sign. there, under the foot of drawers were whatever it was i was searching for. my hand couldn't quite reach underneath to peel the paper taped almost to the floor. i called my friend to me, insisting he lift the desk just enough to allow my hand some room. i ripped the papers from their holding place and read them uncomprehendingly. october 28th. on every single note the date was etched in large red ink, whether it was encrypted or not. 
something in my mind signaled disaster even after i was dragged back into waking.

And There's Strangers Everywhere. Don't Keel Over Now.

it's not that i thought i fought the world all on my own, or that i thought i was the only one struggling. it's just that i never thought someone so close to me could feel similar pains. it eased my soul in a way, but hurt at the same time. i wish life had dealt her a better hand than me, but it seems that we are one in the same. i found that out today. we were never close, my sister and i, but it seems that as life's dragged us forward we fell into many of the same holes, the same problems. i love her, but a large age gap never gave us the opportunity to know each other. she's an amazing woman, i always knew that much but to hear her talk about the things i think about each and every day shocked me.

just because the world seems silent that doesn't mean you're alone.

Leaf by Leaf and Page by Page, Throw this Book Away.

i've had this dream stuck in the left side of my vision all day. it's strange, when i stop focusing on the present and what's in front of me, i can see bits and pieces of it. almost as if my peripheral vision is another world entirely. i remember this overwhelming warmth that i felt; this glad disposition. but i can't quite place it. i'm not sure what really happened, i just know that it was good. that somewhere inside of my unconscious i know what happy really feels like. i'm not saying i'm unhappy i'm just comfortable, like i've settled at the bottom of this adventurous life i should be challenging myself to. it's some sort of lull i've reached a few years ago. i need change. i need passion.

i'm still searching for something i haven't found.