my first day of college, i walked on campus and saw this boy. you know, those people that you kind of gawk at? not in a rude way; just because you can't help yourself. i thought i'd never see him again, no big deal. wrong. he just so happened to be everywhere i was. maybe it was to get me to notice him or maybe it's because i knew his face, i don't know. but he had this way of catching me off guard and unnerving me.
once the spring hit, i had a tendency to sit on top of this hill near the edge of one of my buildings on campus. i would bring out my laptop, hook up my headphones and listen to music while writing up papers or doing assignments. i remember the teal shirt i was wearing and those awful jeans. i remember just having gotten bangs and letting my hair sail down from the clip and be picked up by the wind. that one faithful day he trudged up the hill and just plopped down next to me. i looked around seeing if it was me he was staring at and realized i was the only person on the hill, aside from him. my awkward gawking lasted a few seconds before he offered a "hey" and began to talk to me. i unwillingly took out my headphones, knowing this was some game. some strange, twisted daydream i would wake from if my music stopped. but stop it did, and he was still in front of me. we talked for what seemed like forever yet only seconds at the same time. finally he stood, dusted off his jeans and prepared to trudge back the way he came. he stopped to turn to me, "by the way, i'm ___." he paused waiting for me to return the gesture. "oh, i'm ___." he smiled, shaking my hand. "i umm came up here because you looked like someone i knew." i laughed, finally gaining my confidence, "let's not pretend you thought i was someone else." he flushed "well, you're much prettier than emily actually."
the semesters rolled by and still he was everywhere; some days less acknowledged then others, but present all the same. eventually he went on to exist outside of campus: around my town, outside of my job, at the mall, at the movies. it was like seeing a teacher out of the classroom; unnerving. we would glance at each other, sometimes stare even but never approach; never acknowledge with a nod or smile.
today i walked into the shoprite near my job after a long day of work and wandered aimlessly from one aisle to the next gathering the food written on my list; dancing a little bit to whatever song came on shuffle. it's a usual routine, so usual in fact that i know exactly where everything is and get it in the same order every other week: through the produce, down the juice aisle, up the cereal aisle, along the fresh meat, down the pasta aisle and so on until i reach the end of the store; dairy. i wobble a little as i turn the cart in my unrealistically high black heels. i'm mouthing the words to "savior" and probably making an ass of myself, but at 9PM i hardly care. i glance up and meet the eyes of someone down the end of the aisle dressed up in a nice shirt and tie. he was obviously smirking at my performance. i felt my head cock to the side and my forehead furrow trying to place the face i was looking at. it clicked and i felt my face flush with color. i felt betrayed, like my sanctuary (yes, that's right, shoprite is my sanctuary!) had been invaded. why did he have to be everywhere i was? everywhere i didn't want him to be? i shook the thought from my mind and looked towards the shelves, reaching for what i needed and beginning to mouth lyrics again. i felt his eyes bore into my head.
food shopping is a quick swing for me, 30 minutes and done but not today, no of course not. not the one day that i'm itching to run in the opposite direction. i was approached by a cashier while in the self check out lane... two in fact, but i digress. the second wondered if he could ask me for some advice. i smiled, paused my music and nodded. he went on to talk about his relationship, all the while i saw the boy all dressed in his tie through the reflection in the window i was facing. why did he have to pick that aisle to stock? why did he have to be so close that i could watch him staring? my body tensed but i listened all the same, trying my best to avoid the feeling of being watched. 20 minutes passed, then 30 and still i stood facing away from the aisle he worked in, glancing over my shoulder every opportunity i could find while still looking natural.
i don't make him nervous, not nearly as nervous as he makes me. if i do, he composes himself with such grace it's appalling.
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