If there was Nothing Left for You but Me, Would that be Okay?

you weren't part of any of the thoughts; my thoughts. by now i didn't think i could even remember what you looked like. well that was wrong, because there you were in a dream you didn't belong. it seemed comfortable, we seemed happy. obviously it was nothing more than my wishful thinking because i've moved beyond the idea of you. but at the same time, i wonder... i wonder why now? why at a time that i was feeling new?

it's not that i'm damaged, or missing you, it's that my brain won't let me put you to rest.

As if a Good Thing can Ever Make up for all the Pain. There'll be no Last Chance.

it was a poor reaction. i'm not saying i regret it, because i don't. but that side of me just gets so hot headed and deep down i knew it would all explode eventually. there was a reason she was being so distant, it was unlike her. i was just waiting to hear what she had to say about it.

he texted me. "where are you?"
"sona? i don't know, some bar. we moved again."
"are you safe? are you with people?"
"yeah, yeah, i'm fine. everyone's here... somewhere. i don't know, it's a small bar, the girls wanted to go talk to boys. i'm dancing."

--- the bar closed within minutes after the last text. i sat outside on a step waiting to see the people i came with, cooling off underneath the stars and city lights. a breeze shot through the street; i closed my eyes feeling the wind wrap around my body. i opened my eyes and there he was..

"oh hi pretty lady."
i felt the grin stretch across my face. "oh hi."
he reached out, helping me up into his arms. "how are you? how did you find me?"
he laughed, "facebook," he said nonchalantly shrugging it off.
we talked and then went our separate ways, he with his friends and i with mine. that's when she said it..

"i slept with him..."
her voice was weak and i knew she regretted it. i felt it all around me, but what was i to say?
"i didn't know you liked him! that there was anything going on!"
"you knew.. how could you not know? when he was all i talked about.."
"--and i couldn't tell you over the phone... that just wasn't fair.."
"so you do it drunk? DRUNK!?"
"what do you want me to say? it wasn't worth it, if that's what you want to hear.."
"it's not, of course that's not what i want to hear! i want to hear that you did it because you cared for him too. because you just ruined everything." i felt the tears well up in my chest, that heavy feeling, something like drowning. i took in a deep breath to steady myself.
"i'm so s---"
"just stop. please, just stop. nothing else."

the rest of the night was silent.

So This is What You Meant, when You said You were Spent?

this is exhausting. this rouse. how long do i plan to play this game? pretending that he cares for me in any sort of way? i fall back in line every time.. he doesn't love me, i know that. and deep down i don't think i love him much either.. but i crave it. i crave that downward glance, the sideway smiles and the fingertips that linger just a beat too long in the tangles of my hair. and i'll kiss you with some passion that lies dormant in my belly, but is it really meant for you? or are you just a casual replacement?

i tried patience, honest, and you know what happened? i got hurt. i was teased and tormented with all the faint whispers of love only to have lust thrown in my face. it's maddening, unfair really. it's a pull, like a chain clamped tight to your gut dragging you into another being. it's painful, messy, chaotic. it's nothing like the faint chime of bells and the soft flow of water that i had imagined and maybe that's the problem...

You say "Too Late to Start with Your Heart in a Headlock. You know You're Better than This."

i feel like people come back into your life for a reason. i don't mean this in one of those deep, positive philosophical kind of ways. what i mean is, it seems that whenever i get comfortable, someone shows back up again to uproot my life. perhaps it's because they shouldn't have left, or perhaps it's more than that. maybe it's that i'm not meant to be comfortable. i've said it before, i don't want comfort! not this young. i want action and madness and stress for the love of it all. i want to be passionate and lost only to find myself. and i know that i want all of this and so much more, but when comfort comes my way, i am only human, and as such, crave simplicity. the easier the better.


but in the end... did easy ever make anyone happy..?

Cover Your Eyes so You don't Know the Secret I've Been Trying to Hide

have you ever just known it's off? just had something happen that made it all click? this wasn't meant to hurt you, i didn't leave because of any wrong doing. i kissed you and it hurt something deep in my core. like it was some sort of gigantic lie...

because you were so convinced i was some kind of great being. someone you wanted to do nothing but love. and i felt that, so i let you kiss me again but still the reaction was the same. i hated you for loving me and i hated myself for not being able to accept it. but most of all, i hated myself for not loving you in return.