You say love is what you put into it. You say that I'm losing my will.

i keep telling myself that this is the last time. that this is the last time you will open this wound that just can't seem to heal. and i thought that seeing you here would be different. that you would cry for me again and that i would cry for you, but that's not this. that's not what this is: a fairytale. i have no tears that you deserve to see. there are no words you could say to me to fix this. i no longer trust that the words that leave your lips are not mere lines; the same movie on repeat with a different leading lady. because i didn't want to hear that i was always on your mind or that you missed the sound of my voice.

because the truth is, that's exactly how i feel.

do you feel your soul trying to drag itself back to the home we created? do you hurt? because i ache.
and it was your lines that created this pain.

Something 'Bout an Angel just Kills Me. I Keep Hoping Something Will.

i don't know what it is. i have a certain air about myself, i suppose. i demand something that most people don't see or understand. i've been trying to put myself back out there, get him off my mind. (it's not working, all i end up doing is realizing that everyone is nowhere near as extraordinary. but that's not the point.) it always ends up the same, which until a friend told me otherwise, i thought was normal. these guys dote over me. they pry, to know every last inch of my life, down to the most recent breath. but that doesn't matter, i won't make that mistake again. i will forever be a mystery because i don't want to love anyone that way again. the hurt doesn't seem worth it. one day i know that will change.

I'm Giving Up on You.

there's an important difference between relying on people and depending on them; it'd be wise to understand it. one could always find people to rely on. people who made you stronger in their presence. people who made you work towards a better you. your roots would be planted firmly in the ground, intermingled. they would be of good moral stature, sturdy build, wise tongue. you would be able to feel your wings outstretching toward the heavens.

those you depend on though, they never make for a solid foundation. you learn to grow around them rather than together, often times you just don't see it until it's much too late. they make you weak and doubtful. you learn to use their opinion as your own. suddenly, you see your face in the mirror and realize it is not your own any longer. your eyes weary, face sunken, soul fleeting. when did this happen? you question. when did i become so empty?

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.

i tried to explain it to you once, but it was late and i was embarrassed and blabbering, which you never seemed to mind. you just let me try to speak as best i could before i got too tired to think.
i think that everyone's paths cross for a specific reason. everyone has something to say or do or create with the person that they are drawn to. it's as if the heart has strings that reach out for other hearts they're destined to. the shorter the string, the more that person will effect you, until you find the one whose heart is almost a part of yours. and when that happens, regardless of what each person believes, they're stuck. they can't escape this feeling that they've met somewhere before and perhaps they have. perhaps they've done this one lifetime after another. been connected, met, fell in love, and were ripped apart. maybe it's destiny. and sometimes destiny is shitty.

I Won't Be Your Kryptonite

so i'm going to say this again, because maybe it didn't come out as gracefully as i thought it did because i had been drinking. and maybe you don't remember it because you weren't of your right mind. i want to come with you. if i am losing you because you're leaving, i'm going too. i told you time and time again, i will fight for this, for us, for you. so this is not me saying "oh hey, if you asked me to, i'd consider it." what i'm saying is, you don't have to ask. i would do this willingly. i would do this happily.

A Letter to My Superman.

i love you.

and i know that you're going to look at me and tell me that that's not so because it's too soon, but it is. i'm not in love with you, this isn't some sort of end all, but this is so much more than like. i like giraffes and the color gray and the number 13. i like the way the sun feels on my face after i've swam in cold water. i like my job (well sometimes). but i love people, not because i get all caught up in the flowers and the presents and being able to say "oh yes, he is my boyfriend." i love people because they deserve to be cherished. they deserve to be held when they're sad or they're happy or they just don't know. they deserve to be heard and spoken to with kindness. i love people because to like them never seems good enough. and i chose to love you because regardless of what you've chosen, you've changed me. i don't just mean that you've introduced me to new things and made me more adventurous but you've made me love gently and whole-heartedly. you've opened me up in a way that no one has accomplished before and i'm grateful for that.

so no, i can't just sit here and feign indifference for the next five months. i can't come see you and spend the night because it will never be enough for me. because i too am a person and i deserve more love than you are ready to give and that's okay. i won't suddenly hate you for that or love you any less. i won't stop being there for you or stop holding you when you're sad or happy or you just don't know. i just can't stop loving myself less to make you feel like this is enough. you can't love someone halfway. so in loving both you and myself fully, it's my turn to choose and it hurts my heart to say it, but i will not stay and watch you tear yourself apart from the inside out. i cannot stay while i feel you trying to force me out of your mind to make leaving easier. one day soon, you will have to go and i was prepared for that. i was prepared to say goodbye because i knew that leaving was something that we had discussed, but you've been leaving since the day you brought this up. you've been packing away the memories and storing them in a dark corner of your mind. you've been repacking your heart for fear of it being damaged on the journey.

i understand all of this, because i've been there, i've lived this before in many different forms. but having to say inevitable goodbyes has taught me to live here, in the present, every single moment of the day. so i'm not thinking of five months from now. i'm not thinking about how i'll feel five months and one day from now or six months from now or a year from now. i'm only thinking of this very moment, of holding you just like this, right now. i'm thinking about how much this hurts like hell but how worth it everything up to this exact second has been. i'm thinking about how beautiful you are to me and for me, that much is enough.

Well Let Go, Just Jump In. Oh, Well Whatcha Waiting For?

i believe in fate. i believe that it is true what they say, whoever they is, "everything happens for a reason". i walked through the door and i felt his eyes; his sharp inhale. i can't explain why or how; quite honestly i haven't felt the passion beneath my fingers to even express any of what i've felt. he spoke words that might as well have been melodies that whispered my soul to wake.

with you, i've never felt so freed.

"Her Hand, it Fit Mine."

"Usually adult males who are unable to make emotional connections with the women they choose to be intimate with are frozen in time, unable to allow themselves to love for fear that the loved one will abandon them. If the first woman they passionately loved, the mother, was not true to her bond of love, then how can they trust that their partner will be true to love. Often in their adult relationships these men act out again and again to test their partner’s love. While the rejected adolescent boy imagines that he can no longer receive his mother’s love because he is not worthy, as a grown man he may act out in ways that are unworthy and yet demand of the woman in his life that she offer him unconditional love. This testing does not heal the wound of the past, it merely reenacts it, for ultimately the woman will become weary of being tested and end the relationship, thus reenacting the abandonment. This drama confirms for many men that they cannot put their trust in love. They decide that it is better to put their faith in being powerful, in being dominant." ― Bell Hooks

i have no words of my own that speak quite as loud as this.

The Softest of Sounds for the Heaviest Things and the Pain that it Brings.

he had such sad eyes; your sad eyes. and i thought back to the day i realized i broke your heart. did you ever recover? sometimes, i think that i haven't.
has anyone ever explained what it's like to be on the other side? has anyone considered this side of the story? the distress in your throat, the strain in your voice, as you utter words that you clearly don't want to? it feels like someone stepping on your windpipe and you gasp and sputter, prying at this great nothingness that's entrapping you. i wanted this just as much as you did, possibly more. i wanted you more than anything i'd ever encountered and for once it didn't scare me. it didn't chase me away, it made me content. it made me happy. even now that word sounds strange on my tongue.
i can place the day that i knew i'd lost you for good, i was at the movies and you called drunkenly slurring that you hated your job and i wasn't there for you. that you hated how i wasn't there and that i wasn't trying hard enough because i didn't love you. i tried to talk you down. tried to tell you that i was trying as best as i could between 4 jobs and a 3 1/2 hour commute to you. you told me it didn't matter, i could do better. that's when it hit me: i would never be enough.
so what you saw as breaking your heart, wasn't really that one-sided and cruel. you see, there had already been irreparable damage on my end.

All This Time I was Finding Myself and I Didn't Know I was Lost.

I'm writing you to get you off my mind.
I'm writing you to be fair to you;
because calling you tonight, like I want to, wouldn't be fair. because letting the words slur off my tongue in any sort of poetry would be a dagger through you. i won't give myself the chance to tell you how badly you're missed or how much you're loved... how you'll always be loved.
so i won't call and i won't text and i won't pretend not to know better.
i saw your face; those eyes. i knew what i was doing to you so i chose to save you. i couldn't rightfully make you fall in love with me. not because i don't love you, but because i couldn't love you.
so i'll sit here, on the other side of the broken heart, and tell you that this hurts too. this part of the story is also painful. i feel everything so vibrantly that it feels numb.

Now I'm Bound by the Life You Left Behind. Your Face it Haunts My Once Pleasant Dreams.

the truth was, i never really learned how to go about living without you. i didn't teach myself, the way i did with all the others, to let you go. i honestly don't think i even bothered trying. i didn't want to. i wanted to believe that you would come back in grand strides and sweep me up into your arms and that would be the end of it. no more sad songs, no more bad dreams.
i still see things that remind me of the stories you told and rush to find you. i still want to bury myself behind you when i cry or i'm afraid. i still want all the things you promised me, with you and only you.
so now i'm just haunted.

I'm Glad that You can Forgive, Only Hoping as Time Goes, You can Forget.

the number one reason why i don't have girl friends:
i don't understand them.

i don't understand why a girl can break up with a boy and date another boy and still hold claims to every ex she's ever had. to make matters worse, i don't understand the girls that stake claims on anyone they've ever had sex with. because let's be fair, if they're doing that, they've probably been with a lot of them. i don't understand hurt feelings and betrayal and everything else that goes with "no, he was mine!"

i am not the possessive type. and i'd like to say that it's because i'm just the most wonderful person in existence  but if we're being honest, i just don't care. part of me knows that if they weren't happy with me, they shouldn't stay and although my every wish is for them to be mine, they aren't. and maybe, just maybe, i wasn't right for them, but someone else just might be.

my exes have dated friends, best friends, close friends, girls i considered sisters. and you know the one main thing i've learned from that? that someone besides myself was better for them. because that someone really could make that silly boy, that always seemed to be in pain, smile. but why would anyone else be realistic and think that way?

people dont belong to people and that's something i stand firmly behind. i don't like possessive human beings, no matter the context.

Setting Fire to Our Insides for Fun.

i wanted him for who he wasn't.
i wanted him because he didn't make my heart flutter, and his words were simply a dime a dozen.
i wanted him for his smile and his eyes and the way he brushed the hair from his face because, to me, it was all unremarkable.
i wanted something that wouldn't send shivers up and down my spine.
i wanted someone whose words made me smirk and then dissipated just as quickly.
i wanted someone i wouldn't want to hold onto, so that when he left, i left.
i wanted him because i knew he couldn't make me cry because no matter what he did, 

he wasn't you. 

he would never have my heart and i knew that the second he said my name.

Baby, I Hate It.

today, i looked myself in the eye and asked "is this even worth it?"
should i keep holding my breath and wait for it all to drop? should i keep my mouth shut? because some good that seems to be doing.
eventually you have to realize that people don't talk to same way you do. they don't think, feel, cope, understand in the same depths. perhaps he meant well. and maybe he would return, somewhere farther down the line. but i couldn't hope forever, could i?
i couldn't keep convincing my body that it should wait for a promise that may never come. i needed to move on, to continue with life and know that for one single month i knew what happiness was. and that that was all about to end. i needed to inhale the pain sharply and know that exhaling may feel like daggers until i was myself again. alone again. disconnected from that part of the human experience.

There's Something About Her...

i wouldn't wait for him to come rescue me out of this life. i didn't need saving. i never had. i wasn't the damsel in distress type. if i was, he would have never wanted me so badly in the first place. i knew my place in this world, and i wasn't afraid. i don't really remember the last time i was afraid of anything that had to do with life. living i could do. alone, together, connected. i could do all of that.

my problem was convincing myself that i did need someone. that needing someone was a woman's job. it's ridiculous and untrue (i'm quite aware of that) but my independence seemed to be becoming more and more outlandish with each passing day. and i began to think that it was what was doing me in--- keeping me (dare i say...) single.

obviously, i talked myself out of that one. 

Even Angels have their Wicked Schemes, but You take that to New Extremes.

my newsfeed has become a graveyard:

to all the things you used to spend the time telling me.
to all the words i want to say to you, but can't. because for some reason we aren't talking.
to all the moments that break my heart because you made me love you.

you did this for your own enjoyment.

i won't take back the things i said, because i meant them.

and i won't walk away because i promised you i wouldn't.

and unlike you, i keep my promises.

Wake Up. Look Me in the Eyes Again.

i know it's not my job to fix you. and it's not like i believe you're broken. i don't. but you look like you are. it's as if your soul is shattering slowly behind your eyes, and i can see it. i can hear it in your voice as it wavers on the other line. and i just want to pick up the pieces and put you back together again. i want to hold you in a way that proves i'm staying right here. i want to convince you that i won't run, because during my weakest moments you swore you'd chase me.
but i can't fix what's not broken.
and i don't want to change you.


i love you for exactly who you are. body and soul. words and thoughts. good and bad.

No, I'm Never Gonna Leave You Darling.

i didn't know people said things like that or could look at another person that way. i didn't know that men romanced women anymore. or that i would stumble across one that wanted to do that to me. i wasn't expecting what i have found.
they're right you know, those people of the past who spoke so highly of love at first sight. the ones who swore that people would just know. they do. when your other half is standing in front of you, you're fully aware of it. it's startling, terrifying actually, but once you accept it it's beautiful.

Yeah, I Bet You're Bending God's Ear Talking 'bout Me.

he had words to say about everything. words to make me ache, but in a good way. words that could make me smile for days. he had jokes. jokes that i would remember throughout the day and laugh about randomly.
how does a person do that to another person? how does someone walk into your life casually and suddenly change it forever? am i ready for such a change? is he?

i'm happy, but this is all too fast. fast scares me because it's usually only a matter of time before it crashes and burns. all my defenses are quickly being broken and i'm not sure if it's fate or death that's knocking at my door.
i'm preparing to give you something that's very sacred to me, please don't damage it.

If Our Love is Tragedy, why are You My Remedy?

you have crossed my mind enough today. you have stomped and smashed across my memory. burrowed and dug deep inside my head. don't you understand i'm trying to get over this? pretend you never happened? i want to end it quick before there's nothing left of you to salvage. i love you and i know from experience, that will never go away. but i could love you differently. i could let it turn into something that you would reciprocate; something that wouldn't break my heart over and over again. but i need time.
i could have a dormant love, one that was pushed into my core instead of up against my vulnerable skin. my center is thick, impenetrable, safe from the harm of the chance that you may find someone else to fall for and smile at and send those looks to. i just want you to be happy with someone, something, anything. but i can't keep doing it at my own expense.
so this is me telling you to make your choice: either say the words or let me mend myself.
you can't keep this up, giving me whatever this is. allowing me to rip myself in two.

consider this my vow of silence.