This is Your Life. This is Your Time.

the way you wish for me to be involved in all your shortcomings is not the same way i feel. i don't want you involved when things go wrong. i don't want to tell you or explain it or have you here at my weakest moments. i want to deal with these things myself, because they are mine. don't get me wrong, i ask for help when things get too hard but that's something very different than sharing your life with someone. i just want my life to be mine, i'm young yet, i can be selfish about those things.
this isn't because of you, or some spiteful manner, this is because of who i am and how i function. you can be in my life and you can be a part of my life, but my life is not your's to share.

I Watched You Cry Bathed in Sunlight on the Bathroom Floor, You said You Wished You did not Love Me Anymore.

and when he showed up it hurt all over again. the feelings rushed back as if they'd been waiting just beneath the surface. i knew it would happen, i had just hoped he would stay far, far away. but he walked into the room and was drawn straight back to me, as if time hadn't passed at all. like i was frozen, awaiting his return and stupidly, i acted as if i had done just that. he came back because he knew i was leaving. he knew deep down that meant "no strings attached" and as much as that pains me, i think not ever seeing him again would have hurt far worse. at least now i know he's alive and well. at least now i know his same shy, awkward smile lingers on his face in my presence. at least now perhaps i can lay this to rest...

We Never got to say Goodbye. We Never Sat Down and Cried and Watched Each Other's Tears Fall Out. So I Never Got the Chance to Tell You just Exactly how well You Carved your Home in my Heart.

it's always been him. even when i thought it could have been you, it was him.
you said his name and i froze. i stopped that. i stopped feeling anything for him after he disappeared. and when he's gone he's out of my mind, but when he gets brought up it still feels raw; unfinished. you'd think after all this time that would stop. but with me, i'm not sure it ever does. and i know deep down he won't show up, i won't actually see him tonight like you had said. and that's just fine because i'm comfortable with you. i wouldn't say i'm happy, not exactly, but i'm certainly not unhappy. and if he's going to show up and ruin it all, i'm not sure i want anything to do with him.
i'm leaving you know, moving away and all that. and if he dares to come back now well... where was he when i needed him for the last year or so? where was he when he promised he'd be here? he just wasn't. maybe that was for the best, because maybe he would have been no good for me. but i felt something, some kind of spark and i don't want to see him and have that come back. i can't have that come back. not as i'm leaving..

how dare he make me love him..

"This is the starting of my greatest fear
I'm all packed up and getting out of here
And then you call and tell me not to go
That I'm the one who put the rock and roll
In your life.."

The Waking Up is the Hardest Part

i rarely take naps these days, but today i decided i couldn't last until the evening. i faded off and almost instantly began to dream. i don't remember dreams so vivid in quite a while... the unrelenting pang in my heart, the unsteady breathing and mumbles. it goes without saying that it was far from a dream. and what's worse, i couldn't tell whether or not it was real. i continuously woke from my "dream state" only to find i was still asleep. it turned out to be more exhausting than if i had just continued with my day.

it was about him, my superman. he was alive, but only after i had grown used to his death. so when he came back it was strange. my mother's number had replaced his, our house was without room for him, overall i was lost. i had been lost without him and now lost with him. it was a terror i can't explain, sending jolts of pain into my body. and right before the close of the dream, he was gone again. i didn't think that anything could hurt more than losing him, i was wrong..

the second time was harder.

But my God it's so Beautiful when the Boy Smiles.

today was an ordinary day. an ordinary day laced with promise from an extraordinary boy. he's astounding and i've known it for some time but getting ahold of him isn't easy. i sat with him and listened as he strummed some dark chords on the guitar, trying to get to know this boy i couldn't quite understand. i decided that maybe the only way to known him was to first let him know me. i shyly picked up my uke and played a few chords glancing at him nervously. his fingers froze and he looked at me, studying what i was about to do. "i'm not very good.." i mumbled looking back towards my fingers, "but bear with me and i'll sing a little too." his smile touched the corners of his eyes as he nodded. i started out shaky, mouthing the first few words of the song to steady myself. then i sang. two words, then a verse, then another.. it was easy in front of him as long as i didn't try to look his way. i felt his eyes on me the whole time and strangely, i knew he was smiling his heart-melting smile. someone walked through the door and my fingers faltered. "well that's about all i can manage without getting nervous," i teased glancing up at him finally. he stared at me, his expression unreadable. his face shot into a grin as he opened his mouth to say something. a man walked to the counter. "hold on," he said looking impatient. i nodded and started to strum some silent chords.
he returned, sat down across from me and sighed.
"better?" i whispered.
"much." he laughed. there was a awkward pause.
"what i wanted to say was.. that.. umm.. your voice is beautiful." i felt my face heat as i'm sure i turned six shades of scarlet.


win me over. you know all the right lines.

And at Once I Knew I was not Magnificent.

things are not like fairytales. real life doesn't start with "once upon a time..." and end with "...and they lived happily ever after." it doesn't play out like the movies and get tied up in a nice little bow right before the credits roll. yet that's what people crave. that's what people strive for. this unrealistic facade that perhaps my life could end up that way, even if no one else's has. does anyone else find it exhausting? to work so hard for something always well out of reach? no, maybe it's just me. maybe i'm just striving for perfection because that's my personality. it just never ends, the story line may change here and there; replacing main characters and love interests, losing beloved cast members, but overall it doesn't change.

i don't change.

even though we'll never know what's up ahead, i'm never letting go.

so i'm a "big kid" now; all graduated and off into the world. how did that happen? what exactly led to this? i didn't rush it like most would. i really enjoyed my time, my professors, even some of my peers. and i can honestly say i'll miss a lot of it. no, i didn't get all misty eyed and sentimental. that's not my style, i'll see everyone again. i know that. but it was... important to me. these memories are ones i will cherish.