Damn, Damn Girl You do it well, and I Thought You were Innocent..

"I want to know how many scars you have and memorize the shape of your tongue. I want to climb the curve of your lower back and count your vertebrae, your ribs, your fingers, your goosebumps. I want to chart the topography of your anatomy and be fluent in your body language. I want you, entirely."

there are pieces of people that aren't given away easily. pieces that you have to earn and swear to cherish with every breath you could ever imagine breathing. there are moments that are so sacred that they could ruin the very heart of even the strongest man. and there are people that claim such things with no intention of keeping them. people who plunder and destroy because they know no better. people who jade even the most glorious of souls because they can't handle the responsibility. 

i've known such people, i've seen such pain.

but that never makes it any easier..

And See the Way that Light Attaches to a Girl..

On days like these I wonder if what we're doing is right. 

I wonder if you look out the window and feel your soul trying to drag its way to me.

I wonder if you hear it scratching and crying to be in a place you refused to leave it.

I wonder if your heart hurts..

because I ache.

He said the way My Blue Eyes Shined put those Georgia Stars to Shame that Night.

Sometimes you're at the right place at the right time. And sometimes you're lucky enough to know it. 


i walked into the room and our eyes met. he glanced away. oh, that will be the end of it. i presumed, almost stupidly so. i wasn't hurt by the thought, how could i be? there were guys all over the house; laughing, drinking, having fun. one boy truly couldn't be the center of the party; of my good time. and i hadn't even heard him speak, he could have been crazy for all i knew. but i heard him then, as i crossed the room in his direction. i was taken back by the sparkle in his blue eyes and as he spoke i felt the air escape my lungs. here i go again i mused. i took a seat at the far end next to a friend of mine and chatted casually, feeling his eyes from time to time on the back of my head. finally he got up and approached me, taking the open seat next to me and casually bumping into my arm as he sat. i turned and smiled at him, he flushed before he mumbled a friendly hello.

it's not everyday you can make somebody speechless, but when you can, enjoy it.

I Wanna Make You Move Because You're Standing Still.

if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then...
well it's a duck.

so if it doesn't look like a relationship and it sounds like he won't commit then...
very good boys and girls, it's a hook up!

i need to stop trying to convince myself that these boys have better intentions than the things they're saying. it doesn't matter how interesting i am or how intelligent i am. in the end, they will always look me up and down and decide 'a girl like that must be a tramp'. it doesn't matter what i wear or how i act, they will never see past my body.
and no matter how many times i tell them "i'm sorry, i'm not like that" all they hear is "maybe you should try a little harder. maybe i'll change my mind." it's sickening. maddening. insane.

So Here's My Life Long Wish, My Grown-Up Christmas List. Not for Myself but for a World in Need..

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
Every man would have a friend
That right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown-up Christmas list


certain things enrage me. some of them, probably far more than they should. things such as rolling your eyes, calling someone 'baby' or 'sweet thing', being disrespectful because you're in a place of power, doctors, smacking people's asses, and religion. [funny how all of those things can somehow be placed into one large lump isn't it?]
and yes, actually, i am going there. 
having faith is an immensely beautiful thing and i support that, promote it even. faith gives you light in the darkness, strength in your weakness, and most importantly hope. and to be proud of your faith isn't wrong, i'm not saying that. it's when you use that faith and twist it into something that makes you sound better than the rest of the world. why are you better? that's just it... you aren't. 
you may be a believer, a follower, a leader, what have you; but you are still a human. a sickly, worn, jaded, sinful human. just like every other person walking the earth with you. their sin isn't worse than your's, you are not more entitled to anything.
this all started heating up because of a woman. one single, beautiful soul with faith to match. i respect her, not because she's older, not because she's wiser (although she is), but because she has this unwavering compassion. but to me, sometimes she loses her way.. she seems too built into her faith that i wonder if it's truly helping more than it's harming. and perhaps it's something to do with that generation, that they are so incredibly against the idea of being a homosexual (yes, believe it or not, that is the problem). 
am i gay? no. but you know, i have met some more than extraordinary people that are. and for you, or anyone for that matter, to think little of them because of who they may choose to love is wrong. i don't care what the bible does or does not say, if you don't like it LOOK AWAY. don't look disgusted, or make noises, or faces.. don't make comments or start rattling off verses.. just walk in the opposite direction if it really offends your faith *that much*. that's the funniest part, not funny haha more like funny-sad.. disheartening actually, that people seem to feel like 'that relationship over there' is somehow undermining MY faith. why? because it's not what you believe? *NEWS FLASH* the world does not and will never revolve around you. sorry.
i think people seem to forget how human we really are. how fragile a person's emotions are. how fragile we are. how much pain a simple gesture really can cause a person. 
compassion is meant to reach out to the masses, not just these people because 'they believe what i believe'. 


see, this is what i mean when i say enrage.. the world is just already so cold and unforgiving. couldn't we all at least try to tolerate one another if loving each other is really that impossible?

She, She Ain't Real..

"I wish I could find a girl like you."
that line kills me; every time. you'd think after just about two decades of this, i'd be used to it... but i'm not. men seem to think that saying it is a compliment, and yes, i suppose i can see that. but women hear the words and feel like they just got slapped across the face. so, pretty much you're saying "you're great, amazing even, but i'd like to find someone exactly like you who isn't you." like woah, wait a second let's just back up here: i'm a girl like me. why am i not good enough?
what made it worse was when he introduced me to his friends and proclaimed "you don't even understand how amazing this girl is, i haven't had this good of a time in who knows how long." or the kicker: "every time she opens her mouth to say something, i love her more and more." but when it comes down to it, as 'amazing' as i am, you won't date [be with] me because....?
exactly.


i mean, i get it. i am a great girl for guys to be friends with and i like having my guy friends. but who drew this line here in the sand? when did we decide we were going to just be friends? i'm not asking to sit here and "have my cake and eat it too", because that's crap. i'm just asking for a little explanation to clear up my foggy misconception. geez, and they say nice guys finish last.. well let's be fair, at least they place somewhere in the race..


here, would you like another swift kick in the ass? let me help push you down before you get up from the last time, don't worry i'm keeping my promise: this won't hurt nearly as bad because the fall isn't from as high.. bull.

If You Let Me, Here's What I'll do: I'll Take Care of You.

"A clean break is easier. You can reset it and it heals, and you move on. But if you leave things messy and things don't get put right then it just hurts, forever. "

-Little Black Book

it's true, which is sad because a lot of people tend to ignore the facts. a clean break is easier. it's easier to cut yourself off and move forward before attempting to repair whatever it was that you left in the past. perhaps it seems cold, yes, to leave someone in the dark; unsure of your thoughts and feelings. but perhaps you need to stop always thinking of everyone first. maybe you deserve to be cared for, even if it's only by yourself. 

it's one thing to care for others, it's another thing entirely to ignore the fact that you're being mistreated for the sake of someone else..

But Not Me, I Wanna be the One in the Sun..

there's a sudden force onto your chest as the breath gushes out of your lungs and into the air around you. it's like a hollowing out process..


people say they want to be set free. they say they feel trapped by the past but they do nothing to break the chains. they hear the familiar calls, the whisperings in their ear and go rushing back. they want to be free almost as badly as you want to be rid of them.
all fallacies, all useless mutterings that no one really means.


but if you did mean it, you would know that the hollowing out, the slow and painful escape is the reminder that you're still alive. that you're not just a vessel you're something more; something beautiful. and when you breathe in that whole new gasp of air... well you know the rest.

Wait, Keep Me in Your Skin, Keep Me in Your Chest.

"I want to marry this boy."
that obnoxious line that swiftly finds it's way into my head because i feel like i'm getting older. i'm not sure what they do to get that line into my thoughts but it happens. fear not, it's somewhere equivalent to the "i hate you." line that people say when they're teasing. but deep down, i feel like i'm missing something these other couples find. like i'm not attracted to these men the way i should be and that could be because they're usually assholes.. but why? what is it about me that draws them quickly into my life and then sends me struggling to push them out? and why is it that i just can't look beyond the friendship of the boys that could be good for me?

'Cuz I Would be Free When You Wanted Me, if You Wanted Me.

and there it is, the moment where the shining knight turns into yet another awkward, insecure boy. it always happens, and i'm starting to think it's something insufficient in my brain, not their's. there's a point, it's somewhere between 2 and 3 months where suddenly the boy clings, something like a magnet onto my being. there's another point, also in the time frame, where i become oil quickly repulsed by the water i'm trying to be mixed with. it's not that i can't love you, i probably could, it's that i don't. and it's not that i enjoy doing this, it's that it happens every time. and i know that when it's right, it won't happen... or maybe i'm just trying to convince myself that's the case.

So I will Dance with Cinderella, while She is here in My Arms 'Cuz all too soon the Clock will Strike Midnight and She'll be Gone.

he takes care of me, even now. five years have almost passed and he still comes to visit. he stayed for a long time last night, just talking with me about nothing really. and then he complimented how much i've grown since he's last seen me. and told me how proud he is. is. not was, not could have been, is. and then he made me a peanut butter and banana sandwich. it was the best dream that i could ever ask for.

if you could come back, it would truly be the best kind of miracle.

Well, Maybe it's Me and My Blind Optimism to Blame.

they come back, in vibrant strides to look at me in those same ways i remember. and they place their palm softly on my cheek as they smile, eyes bright. and once they have me again; once they have as much of me as i ever willingly give another single soul, they drop me. kicking dirt hard into my face, shaking their head at my ability to trust.
my love disgusts them.

but every time i get back up. a little bruised, a little embarrassed and a little stronger.
come on, try and knock me down.

People are People and Sometimes We Change Our Minds.

i have fallen for a boy that i can't quite figure out. i'm bothered and confused and trying my best not to let my feelings get ahead of me. i don't want to hurt him, to steal anything from him that i can't promise i'll protect. he's the kind of boy that's never been in love, and to fall for a girl who lives and breathes change is dangerous.

i don't know how to make myself stay. it hurts.

I'm Up Against Your Open Door, You're on the Phone on the Floor.

there are those boys that you try to fall for with every ounce of your being. the ones that you fight and struggle to attract yourself to because of how wonderful they are; how wonderful they make you. but no matter how hard you try, how much that little voice in your head kicks and screams, you just can't. you know he's right, you know he's actually everything you've been looking for but something stops you. be it fear or just sheer stupidity; you absolutely refuse to fall.

i don't know what to do..
save yourself and run!

And I Know I've Said This all Before, but Opposite's Attract. We Try and Run Away but End up Running Back.

there comes a time when you just can't be where you are for any longer. maybe it's not literal, maybe it's something deeper. but when it happens, everything you do makes you feel trapped. moving forward, standing still, trying to force yourself into the past; it all seems useless. and sometimes, sometimes it is. sometimes you just have you wait for the right thing to happen, to come along and sweep you up into it's chaos. 
i haven't found it yet but i'll let you know.

Crash, Fall Down.

there were a lot of things that i wanted to say. and a lot of things i'm sure he wanted to hear. but when it came down to it, i couldn't save us. not alone anyway. that had to be something we both wanted. and he wanted it too, at least that's what i heard in his voice and saw in his eyes, he just didn't know how to save something so fragile to begin with. and who could blame him?

this world is a dangerous place and people get dropped to the floor every day, but that doesn't make it anything less than beautiful.

He says all the Right Things at Exactly the Right Time and He means Nothing to You and You don't know why.

it wasn't hard to understand when we finally got to talking. the honest truth is that he's wonderful. that he can make me smile in a heartbeat. that he's marvelous because he's comfortable with himself. that he finds me so beautiful that it makes me embarrassed. but in a good way.

Mmm What'cha say? That You only meant well? Well, of course You did.

you don't want to be friends, you're just afraid of being alone.... of actually feeling on your own.

i am not your stepping stone!
either hold on or move forward.

So let's Pretend it was Perfect, it was Worth it, and all is Good.

i'm feeling tired, and this time it's not just because the clock has reached single digits again for yet another night in a row. i was doing so well, being happy with life, with everything. being on my own, alone and strong. but i've fallen victim to this stinging belief in that four letter word once again. it's amazing how easily i can be conned into believing that they're telling the truth. it's amazing how overwhelmed i become with the idea of love. he wasn't wonderful, he wasn't special or shockingly beautiful yet there was something to the boy who fed me all those sweet words. sweet.... lies.. that word still leaves a taste on my tongue as it leaves my mouth.
it doesn't matter how many times i've been hurt, how often i've been lied to, cheated, and conned. i know he's out there... somewhere.

And Me, who is so Well Versed is Feeling so Damn Empty, is at a Loss for Words.

sometimes i wonder how people even find love.. like how do you know? how do you really know it's worth the struggle and it's not just some horridly cunning boy that knows just how to play his cards? i just don't get it. maybe it's because i haven't found "it" yet, whatever "it" is..
forget i mentioned even the faintest whispers of love.. it's nothing like it seemed at first glance.

I Have Died Everyday Waiting for You. Darling, Don't be Afraid I Have Loved You for a Thousand Years..

Maybe he's out there somewhere, looking out the window much like I have been today.
Maybe he misses me or perhaps he isn't thinking of me at all.
Maybe he's ready to come and find me because he's tired of waiting as well.
Maybe we've brushed past each other on a crowded street.
Maybe he's seen me and had to try not to stare.
Maybe our's eyes have locked and he's smiled at me.
Maybe I've smiled back.

But I won't know if I never put myself out there.

Sometimes I'm Bold and Brash, Sometimes I'm Prone to Crash.

i sit back and think: God, how did i make those eyes sparkle once? or how was it possible that you would groan about having my face on the other end of the computer screen rather than next to you? how was it possible that you made my day with a stupid text, or a call, or that laugh that still rings in my ears? how can the image of your smile still makes me blush?
i fell in love beautifully, that doesn't just go away.
despite the other dates, the other boys, the silly stories that show up on our feed.. they aren't you.
i will never regret sharing the thing i love the most with you, i will never regret that night under the stars. even if one day i grow to regret you..

He's the Song in the Car I keep Singing, don't know why I do.

I woke up with a strange dream settling into my head this morning..


We were driving home from somewhere, I honestly couldn't tell you. We kept switching seats between the driver's and passenger's seat randomly without warning, but I drove the whole way. We were on a straight clear highway for most of the ride. When I was in the passenger seat, my driving was challenged, bumping into him and losing focus on the road. Finally I was back in the driver's seat taking us to where ever it was that we were headed as he slept in the passenger seat next to me.


I read up on some of the information and found it accurate yet bothersome.. I realize what needs to be done, I just don't want to.


"To dream that someone else is driving you represents your dependence on the driver. You are not in control of your life and following the goals of others instead of your own.  If you are driving from the passenger side of a car, then it suggests that you are trying to gain control of the path that your life is taking. You are beginning to make your own decisions. "
"To see a highway in your dream, represents your sense of direction and your life's path. If the road is smooth and bordered by trees or flowers, then it denotes a steady progress and steady climb up the social ladder. If the road is straight and narrow, then it means that your path to success is going as planned."
"To see someone sleeping in your dream, is a reflection of yourself and your own unconscious mind. It is telling you that you may not be alert or informed about a particular situation."

Write a Letter to my Love, Well I was Almost Honest..

boys forget things, boys forget things all the time. and that's acceptable, because girls forget things too. remembering a silly date isn't really a problem, it's that it feels like the last straw after a long line of problems. the real problem is that he didn't say goodbye. it was almost as if he didn't want to say goodbye... truthfully, it irks me.. and as open as we seem to be about everything, i can't bring myself to say it. because this is one of those things that doesn't just annoy me, it hurts me. it rips open a seam that i've had to stitch up time and time again. and every time he does something that reminds me of past experiences, i build up another 6 feet of barriers. i don't want to be guarded anymore. and with him, i didn't think i needed to be..
but i'm even starting to doubt myself on that..

"My reflection
In the window when I ride
Could not save us
But I swear to God I tried


Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

I was almost honest
But I was almost honest
Cause I was almost honest"

First Thought when I Wake up is, "My God, He's Beautiful" so I put on my Make-Up and Pray for a Miracle.

i have fallen in love beautifully 

(and it's really all it's cracked up to be.)

Nevermind, I'll Find Someone like You.

There was so much beauty in your eyes, your hair, that wonderful smile.
There was so much promise in every word and gesture.
I had high hopes but they've long since disappeared.

I want you to understand that your magic was not lost on me,
I've just broken whatever spell you had me trapped under.

I don't Trust Myself with Loving You.

We've walked into tomorrow and some days it makes me wonder how we'll ever get through today.

How can I ever be enough if you won't let me..

I think I might have Inhaled You.

stop trying to be so sure of everything.
in the end, it makes you sure of nothing.


you love me-- and today that's enough.

We Found Love in a Hopeless Place.

they say not to do the things you love with your significant other because if it ends badly, you'll hate the things you once loved. i whole heartedly disagree. i think that if you really cared about that person, no matter how it ends, the things you love will still be the things you love because at one point in time you loved the person you were sharing them with. now that's not to say that it won't be difficult for a little while, of course it will. but let's be fair, what isn't difficult after it ends? not a lot, that's for sure. i guess what i'm saying is, i look back on those favorite movies and those favorite places and remember the good things about the past, not the way it ended or what it is now.

what i'm saying is, i walk outside and look up at the stars and those 300+ miles don't seem nearly as far.
what i'm saying is i love you.
and i wouldn't trade that moment for anything else in the world.

Morning Hair Without a Care; Would You Ever be so Lucky?

sometimes, when the wind picks up i like to close my eyes and lift my arms as it skims around my body, dancing about the tangles of my hair.
sometimes, i like to inhale deeply and taste the fall on my tongue as it whispers something loving in my ear.
sometimes, i like to think that the wind is you, coming back to tell me that you miss me, or you're proud, or 'that this too will pass'.
<3

She said "I'm not Quite Myself Tonight, but the Way You Touch Me, oh, makes Me Tongue Tied... That Could be the Wine too."

it's not unusual for a boy to have some sort effect on me. but to make me so wild and on edge that i can't stand to be away from him? unheard of. he's cast this magnificent spell on me, one that has me yearning for his voice, his touch, his eyes, his smile...
he has five smiles..
one when he's talking about that stupid football team that i can't stand.
one when he's teasing me.
one when he's telling stories.
one when he's embarrassed.
and one when he's staring at me..
(if you've seen Win a Date with Tad Hamilton, you'll understand the reference.)
but i digress. the truth is, i'm just captivated by his very being. he's unlike anything else i've ever encountered..
he's my sunshine, and i won't let him go.

I'm Unusually Hard to Hold onto.

your voice is something beautiful, like a song that's whispered through the thoughts in my mind. yes, i miss you terribly, but this distance isn't killing me. it's saving you. it's strange because you see me for so much more than i am. i look into your eyes and just see you staring at this wretchedly perfect stranger. she looks lovely and caring and overwhelmingly honest but i don't think that's me. i've never been one to stick around for very long and maybe this inability to have you show up in front of me so often makes you something i want. you are something i want. something i want to love and cherish and never hurt (and that's the point where i usually run clear in the opposite direction)

I Hope This Song Will Find You Awake, 'Cause What I Need to Say Can't Wait.

why hello world, so we meet again. 

it's been so long and i have so much left to tell you. there are so many thoughts i've left unspoken and so much you have left to understand. forgive me for leaving you, i know you weren't ready at the time, but it was for the best. sometimes, one needs to separate in order to grow, even if it doesn't feel that way at the time. you, you are something beautiful and i am so glad that we could share this moment. that you could read these words and maybe remember a few that touched your heart. because world, that's all i want for you... to have to opportunity to love and be loved; to be hurt and to flourish after the pain subsides. be strong and be brave, but most of all don't be afraid to open your eyes, life is a terrible thing to waste.