I'm Falling More in Love with Every Single Word I Withhold.

i wonder about my first love, my best friend. did he know i meant it when i said i loved him. did he cry like i did when i told him he shouldn't be dating her. has he cried every time i've said that it should be me. did he listen or care. was i his back-up or was he just afraid he would lose me if he made a mistake.

i wonder about the one who didn't feel.

i wonder about the boy with the blue eyes and tangled tongue. is he still following his path with strength? i wonder if he's found that happiness i used to find when i was with him. i wonder if he feels accomplished in all that he's done, all that he plans to do. i wonder if Korea is treating him well and if he's oozing with stories to bring home to me. i wonder if this place will feel like home to him anymore. i wonder if he'll ever even return. i wonder if he remembers the promise he made me, because i do.

i wonder about the one with the surfer hair, who swore he would know God if he ever saw Him walking on the street. i wonder if he has ever kissed a girl yet or if he's even tried. i wonder if he learned true faith and how to accept death. i wonder if he's even come to see death with his own eyes. i wonder if life has left him unjaded and naive.

i wonder about the one who named me beautiful. i wonder how he's been. if he ever thinks of me and if we could have, should have, happened. i wonder if he knows that he was the first person who had ever called me that. i wonder if he could see on my face how awkward i was and how sad i felt.

i wonder about the one who sang me lullabies. the one that wrote songs in his sleep and forever spoke in lyrics. i wonder if he's missed me against his piano, humming along as i sketched. has he found someone new to charm him and bring about his smile?

i wonder about the confused one who loved me at the right time. i wonder if he's found new happiness in another love. i wonder if he really could ever have loved me in the first place. i wonder if when he kissed me, he truly felt something, or if those were just words.

i wonder about the one with the hair.

i wonder about the artist. i heard that he was happy with a new girl and that made me smile. was he all in my head. or should i have just reached out and grabbed hold of his heart. would we both be better off this way, in worlds far apart.

i wonder about the one from that bar that won me over with a word. i wonder if he makes up stories about his life or if he was honest. i wonder if he really wanted to take me on that date. i wonder if i should have given him a chance--- moreover i wonder if he wanted one. i wonder if he knew that taking him home was unlike me, or if he even cared. did he do that often with other girls and if he did, would it have mattered.

i wonder about the one who had never known how to love. i wonder if he knew why i refused to be his first. i wonder if he hates me for it.

i wonder about the one who loved me right at the wrong time. i wonder if there would have ever been a right time. i wonder if he will find someone new that will treat him as i did. i wonder if he'll be as comfortable with her as he was with me.

i wonder about the late night greeter. i wonder if he got bored of how little i felt. i wonder if my words scared him away. i wonder if he could ever just be friends with me--- because i'd like that.

i wonder about the one who seems unsure. i wonder if he ever thought of loving me. i wonder if he would. i wonder if when i'm gone he misses me and if he would ever tell me that. i wonder if he talks about me to his mother and if she can tell. i wonder if his brother ever teases him about the way he stares at me when i come over. i wonder if his brother has ever told him no. i wonder if it meant as much to him as it did to me and if he held my hand long after i'd fallen asleep. would he ever mention it to anyone and would they judge him about it. i wonder if he wants to protect me--- or if those were just lines. i wonder if he really watched over me that one night, and thought of all the secrets he wanted to spill from his mouth. i wonder if he whispered them to me and that was why my dreams were so calming that night. i wonder if i said his name in my sleep and it made him smile. i wonder if he knows i want to make him smile for the rest of my life.


i read this today, http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/wonder-about-them-all-the-time/ (yes, that's your cue to read it), and decided that i wanted to write something like it myself.