Damn, Damn Girl You do it well, and I Thought You were Innocent..

"I want to know how many scars you have and memorize the shape of your tongue. I want to climb the curve of your lower back and count your vertebrae, your ribs, your fingers, your goosebumps. I want to chart the topography of your anatomy and be fluent in your body language. I want you, entirely."

there are pieces of people that aren't given away easily. pieces that you have to earn and swear to cherish with every breath you could ever imagine breathing. there are moments that are so sacred that they could ruin the very heart of even the strongest man. and there are people that claim such things with no intention of keeping them. people who plunder and destroy because they know no better. people who jade even the most glorious of souls because they can't handle the responsibility. 

i've known such people, i've seen such pain.

but that never makes it any easier..

And See the Way that Light Attaches to a Girl..

On days like these I wonder if what we're doing is right. 

I wonder if you look out the window and feel your soul trying to drag its way to me.

I wonder if you hear it scratching and crying to be in a place you refused to leave it.

I wonder if your heart hurts..

because I ache.

He said the way My Blue Eyes Shined put those Georgia Stars to Shame that Night.

Sometimes you're at the right place at the right time. And sometimes you're lucky enough to know it. 


i walked into the room and our eyes met. he glanced away. oh, that will be the end of it. i presumed, almost stupidly so. i wasn't hurt by the thought, how could i be? there were guys all over the house; laughing, drinking, having fun. one boy truly couldn't be the center of the party; of my good time. and i hadn't even heard him speak, he could have been crazy for all i knew. but i heard him then, as i crossed the room in his direction. i was taken back by the sparkle in his blue eyes and as he spoke i felt the air escape my lungs. here i go again i mused. i took a seat at the far end next to a friend of mine and chatted casually, feeling his eyes from time to time on the back of my head. finally he got up and approached me, taking the open seat next to me and casually bumping into my arm as he sat. i turned and smiled at him, he flushed before he mumbled a friendly hello.

it's not everyday you can make somebody speechless, but when you can, enjoy it.

I Wanna Make You Move Because You're Standing Still.

if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then...
well it's a duck.

so if it doesn't look like a relationship and it sounds like he won't commit then...
very good boys and girls, it's a hook up!

i need to stop trying to convince myself that these boys have better intentions than the things they're saying. it doesn't matter how interesting i am or how intelligent i am. in the end, they will always look me up and down and decide 'a girl like that must be a tramp'. it doesn't matter what i wear or how i act, they will never see past my body.
and no matter how many times i tell them "i'm sorry, i'm not like that" all they hear is "maybe you should try a little harder. maybe i'll change my mind." it's sickening. maddening. insane.

So Here's My Life Long Wish, My Grown-Up Christmas List. Not for Myself but for a World in Need..

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
Every man would have a friend
That right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown-up Christmas list


certain things enrage me. some of them, probably far more than they should. things such as rolling your eyes, calling someone 'baby' or 'sweet thing', being disrespectful because you're in a place of power, doctors, smacking people's asses, and religion. [funny how all of those things can somehow be placed into one large lump isn't it?]
and yes, actually, i am going there. 
having faith is an immensely beautiful thing and i support that, promote it even. faith gives you light in the darkness, strength in your weakness, and most importantly hope. and to be proud of your faith isn't wrong, i'm not saying that. it's when you use that faith and twist it into something that makes you sound better than the rest of the world. why are you better? that's just it... you aren't. 
you may be a believer, a follower, a leader, what have you; but you are still a human. a sickly, worn, jaded, sinful human. just like every other person walking the earth with you. their sin isn't worse than your's, you are not more entitled to anything.
this all started heating up because of a woman. one single, beautiful soul with faith to match. i respect her, not because she's older, not because she's wiser (although she is), but because she has this unwavering compassion. but to me, sometimes she loses her way.. she seems too built into her faith that i wonder if it's truly helping more than it's harming. and perhaps it's something to do with that generation, that they are so incredibly against the idea of being a homosexual (yes, believe it or not, that is the problem). 
am i gay? no. but you know, i have met some more than extraordinary people that are. and for you, or anyone for that matter, to think little of them because of who they may choose to love is wrong. i don't care what the bible does or does not say, if you don't like it LOOK AWAY. don't look disgusted, or make noises, or faces.. don't make comments or start rattling off verses.. just walk in the opposite direction if it really offends your faith *that much*. that's the funniest part, not funny haha more like funny-sad.. disheartening actually, that people seem to feel like 'that relationship over there' is somehow undermining MY faith. why? because it's not what you believe? *NEWS FLASH* the world does not and will never revolve around you. sorry.
i think people seem to forget how human we really are. how fragile a person's emotions are. how fragile we are. how much pain a simple gesture really can cause a person. 
compassion is meant to reach out to the masses, not just these people because 'they believe what i believe'. 


see, this is what i mean when i say enrage.. the world is just already so cold and unforgiving. couldn't we all at least try to tolerate one another if loving each other is really that impossible?

She, She Ain't Real..

"I wish I could find a girl like you."
that line kills me; every time. you'd think after just about two decades of this, i'd be used to it... but i'm not. men seem to think that saying it is a compliment, and yes, i suppose i can see that. but women hear the words and feel like they just got slapped across the face. so, pretty much you're saying "you're great, amazing even, but i'd like to find someone exactly like you who isn't you." like woah, wait a second let's just back up here: i'm a girl like me. why am i not good enough?
what made it worse was when he introduced me to his friends and proclaimed "you don't even understand how amazing this girl is, i haven't had this good of a time in who knows how long." or the kicker: "every time she opens her mouth to say something, i love her more and more." but when it comes down to it, as 'amazing' as i am, you won't date [be with] me because....?
exactly.


i mean, i get it. i am a great girl for guys to be friends with and i like having my guy friends. but who drew this line here in the sand? when did we decide we were going to just be friends? i'm not asking to sit here and "have my cake and eat it too", because that's crap. i'm just asking for a little explanation to clear up my foggy misconception. geez, and they say nice guys finish last.. well let's be fair, at least they place somewhere in the race..


here, would you like another swift kick in the ass? let me help push you down before you get up from the last time, don't worry i'm keeping my promise: this won't hurt nearly as bad because the fall isn't from as high.. bull.

If You Let Me, Here's What I'll do: I'll Take Care of You.

"A clean break is easier. You can reset it and it heals, and you move on. But if you leave things messy and things don't get put right then it just hurts, forever. "

-Little Black Book

it's true, which is sad because a lot of people tend to ignore the facts. a clean break is easier. it's easier to cut yourself off and move forward before attempting to repair whatever it was that you left in the past. perhaps it seems cold, yes, to leave someone in the dark; unsure of your thoughts and feelings. but perhaps you need to stop always thinking of everyone first. maybe you deserve to be cared for, even if it's only by yourself. 

it's one thing to care for others, it's another thing entirely to ignore the fact that you're being mistreated for the sake of someone else..