We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve.

i don't know what it is honestly, but that book always spoke to me. it screamed for my attention from the moment i stumbled across its path. i don't really remember how, or why for that matter. but it was powerful, that feeling i surely remember. it was an anchor, lodged deep within my heart and i accepted it graciously.
when i first read through the pages, i thought wow, how strange, how incredibly familiar his voice seems. how do i know him? how can it feel like i've heard him speak time and time again?
the second time, i marked the pages, dark and deep, knowing that the voice i heard was no longer his, but mine. i knew him so well because i was him. he was me. and we understood each other, even if he was fictitious.
i grew on to live the way i had imagined he would have liked. i drew and wrote letters. i said nothing while saying everything. and most of all, i kept quiet...


for i had always been a wallflower
with every fiber of my being.

Lo Olvide

i was in love with a boy once.
i remember this unbearable urge to fight it. to forget him.
it was near impossible.

okay, perhaps that last part was a lie, because obviously after all this time, i haven't forgotten.
but he was suave and cool and had a way of making me smile.
i would blush thinking of him and stumble over his name.

all i wanted was to be free for so long, but if he had caught me..
if he had tried to cage me i would have never fought.
i would have sang from that cage until he trusted me enough to let me fly.
and i would soar,

but always return..

back into the arms that i certainly belonged to.

I Don't Wanna be Your Hero.

as i left your house, i leaned in and kissed you softly on the lips. you didn't look up from the television screen. i said goodbye as i walked out the door, you responded with "see ya" like it was a casual thing. i knew i'd never come back. i wasn't saying "i'll miss you," i was closing the door on you and letting it lock behind me.

all i need is that one last kiss.

Sleepless, I Shouldn't be Here.

i'm not your's anymore.

i've known that for some time, but i think my loneliness stepped in the way of my inner voice.
she was shouting that "he's not good for you anymore" but my loneliness just whined "oh but he's my past, can't he be my present; my future?"

i waited 7 years for you to tell me that i am beautiful, 7 years. that's far too long. but when you whispered it, like a secret you didn't want the rest of the world to know, i believed you. then you said you loved me, and i melted. but when the heat wore off.. i was left with you.


and you are not the beautiful soul that i created in my heart..

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

i'm not sure what they taught you when you were home-schooled, but someone has done you a grave misjustice. perhaps they told you that if you mean the apology deep down, it counts for something. or maybe they said that people know when you feel bad for your past mistakes, and they take that into account when you say sorry.
or maybe you just fell and hit your head. hard.

regardless, you don't get to come back after four years and apologize. that's not how things like this work.
i mean, don't get me wrong, when you poured your heart and soul out on the other line, i felt sorry for you, for the pain you must have felt... but when i said it was okay, it wasn't because the apology fixed the problem. it was that somewhere down the line, during those four years that you disappeared, i didn't care for you very much. i lost interest, gained some sort of respect for myself and moved very, very far past you.
i realized that maybe you weren't ready to feel all of those feelings and i couldn't blame you for that. death is a scary thing. but i also realized that maybe i was ready to feel so much more than i could ever expect you to understand.. compassion never was a strong-suit for you.

and here i was, a girl well past my years, needing someone to follow me into the darkness.
but there you were, a young boy scared of the world even when the sun shone.

people like that don't work. 

they crash.

and then burn.

Is Love Alive?

i met him at a party.... not the opening words you want to hear about someone.
he seemed like a beautiful boy. but isn't that what i always say?
he seemed charming too. but isn't that what i always say?
maybe he'll be different. but i most certainly always have to add that on to the end of my thoughts.

for sanity's sake.

he walked my girl friends and i home from the party. and left after dropping me off at my room with a hug (thank god). then went on his way, never to be heard from again. no numbers exchanged, no kisses, no words. just the hug. i left my room to clean up after the party. when i returned, i saw his bag left in the center of my bed.

maybe he'll come back. that's not something i usually say... is it?
maybe he'll turn out sweet and want something more than what they all want. but maybe that's just my twisted mind cutting off the oxygen to my heart. 

I'm just Saying You Could do Better.

dear someone,

i think you've misunderstood who i am; how this works. i am not here just when it is convenient. i am not here when you want me to be or when you decide you need someone to talk to. i am not here for that time you got drunk and realized you were all alone. i am not here because you need me when you feel like needing me. i am here because this is where i decided to be for myself, not to make your life a little easier.
my life goes on without you the same way it did before i knew you existed. i am not like the other girls that swoon and melt over your good words and compliments. i am not interested in anything you can offer me. this is meant to be something fun, not something complicated.
if you would like to be with other girls, please, be my guest. go off and find someone more willing to be with you without any meaning behind it. because god knows i'm no good at it. i can't treat you like you're something beautiful if i don't find you to be something beautiful.
however, i am not a backup girl for when plans fall through. i am not a girl that will stroke your ego, because frankly, you shouldn't have one at all. when you are out with another girl, i am not home missing you and wishing you'd call. i'm out dancing with my friends and being charmed by men over drinks. when my phone buzzes, your name is not the one i expect and/or want to see on it's ID. i don't need you in order to clarify my meaning in life.
what i mean to say is, i am not waiting for you to take that second glance and say "my god, it's her." and if that time comes, somewhere down the road, i won't be surprised to hear you say it. nor will i cry and say "i've been waiting all this time." not because you don't seem to be a sweet boy, but because you never caught my eye. i could be your friend if that's what you want and we could have fun from time to time. but that's just it, you need to treat me as a person above all else.

- the cartographer above all else.

Don't You Wish I was? Don't You Wish We were?

i never noticed it, not until i tried to point it out to someone else.
it's my signature sentence: "he was a dick... actually he was a really nice guy, he was just a dick to me."
i must bring it out in people. it's sickening. exhausting.
i could rattle off stories about every guy i've ever been with. that one thing they did that started a spark of disaster that set off a never ending fire.


am i stronger? yes. 
does that make the pain hurt any less? no.

We Don't Have Much Room to Live.

i think i sleep when i'm sad. i don't sleep well or dream of some "better" place, i just sleep. it's like a stupor of exhaustion that i can't escape. it doesn't matter for how long or how often, i just keep wanting that place. my mind has mostly blocked the pain out. the loneliness. the grieving. i don't feel any of it anymore. but with it goes the passion. and the sociability. and all the happy moments.
the one thing that doesn't suffer is my art. it's true what they say you know, that artists draw from their strongest emotions. mine tend to stem from somewhere in the darkness. a relatively unbelieved place for me to exist.
but i go there.

oh yes, i have a long upstanding residency in the dark.

You made a Rebel of a Careless Man's Careful Daughter

it wasn't anything. it was what i wanted at the time and nothing more. i've become more spontaneous than i'm used to. i remember being cautious, careful being so caught up in life i forgot it involved living. i'm done with that now, i'm done waiting for the rain to wash away my problems. i am not broken, it took years of being broken to figure that out, but i've done it. more than that, i know that i don't need you to assure me of my worth. i will not become worthless if you deem me so. i have learned to love myself, and i have you to thank for that.

if love was simple, we would all have it. if being in love was simple, no one would put any fight into it.

But if You Loved Me then why'd You Leave Me? Take My Body. Take My Body!

as i sit here waiting for the fire to go out and my exhaustion to sink in, my mind's gone to those dark, dangerous places. the places where i feel like i'm going no where, fast. i feel lost and i'm starting to settle in the havoc. it's a loneliness i don't think i've ever let anyone truly see. sure, i may talk about feeling alone, but the depths of it... i don't think i've ever explained how deep in the pit of my aching body it sits. it feels like someone's reached up underneath my ribcage and grabbed a thick fist of my soul and while they drag it down into my stomach i choke and drown.

maybe that doesn't make any sense at all, feelings rarely do.

now there's fire everywhere and i wonder where you begin and i end?

If there was Nothing Left for You but Me, Would that be Okay?

you weren't part of any of the thoughts; my thoughts. by now i didn't think i could even remember what you looked like. well that was wrong, because there you were in a dream you didn't belong. it seemed comfortable, we seemed happy. obviously it was nothing more than my wishful thinking because i've moved beyond the idea of you. but at the same time, i wonder... i wonder why now? why at a time that i was feeling new?

it's not that i'm damaged, or missing you, it's that my brain won't let me put you to rest.

As if a Good Thing can Ever Make up for all the Pain. There'll be no Last Chance.

it was a poor reaction. i'm not saying i regret it, because i don't. but that side of me just gets so hot headed and deep down i knew it would all explode eventually. there was a reason she was being so distant, it was unlike her. i was just waiting to hear what she had to say about it.

he texted me. "where are you?"
"sona? i don't know, some bar. we moved again."
"are you safe? are you with people?"
"yeah, yeah, i'm fine. everyone's here... somewhere. i don't know, it's a small bar, the girls wanted to go talk to boys. i'm dancing."

--- the bar closed within minutes after the last text. i sat outside on a step waiting to see the people i came with, cooling off underneath the stars and city lights. a breeze shot through the street; i closed my eyes feeling the wind wrap around my body. i opened my eyes and there he was..

"oh hi pretty lady."
i felt the grin stretch across my face. "oh hi."
he reached out, helping me up into his arms. "how are you? how did you find me?"
he laughed, "facebook," he said nonchalantly shrugging it off.
we talked and then went our separate ways, he with his friends and i with mine. that's when she said it..

"i slept with him..."
her voice was weak and i knew she regretted it. i felt it all around me, but what was i to say?
"i didn't know you liked him! that there was anything going on!"
"you knew.. how could you not know? when he was all i talked about.."
"--and i couldn't tell you over the phone... that just wasn't fair.."
"so you do it drunk? DRUNK!?"
"what do you want me to say? it wasn't worth it, if that's what you want to hear.."
"it's not, of course that's not what i want to hear! i want to hear that you did it because you cared for him too. because you just ruined everything." i felt the tears well up in my chest, that heavy feeling, something like drowning. i took in a deep breath to steady myself.
"i'm so s---"
"just stop. please, just stop. nothing else."

the rest of the night was silent.

So This is What You Meant, when You said You were Spent?

this is exhausting. this rouse. how long do i plan to play this game? pretending that he cares for me in any sort of way? i fall back in line every time.. he doesn't love me, i know that. and deep down i don't think i love him much either.. but i crave it. i crave that downward glance, the sideway smiles and the fingertips that linger just a beat too long in the tangles of my hair. and i'll kiss you with some passion that lies dormant in my belly, but is it really meant for you? or are you just a casual replacement?

i tried patience, honest, and you know what happened? i got hurt. i was teased and tormented with all the faint whispers of love only to have lust thrown in my face. it's maddening, unfair really. it's a pull, like a chain clamped tight to your gut dragging you into another being. it's painful, messy, chaotic. it's nothing like the faint chime of bells and the soft flow of water that i had imagined and maybe that's the problem...

You say "Too Late to Start with Your Heart in a Headlock. You know You're Better than This."

i feel like people come back into your life for a reason. i don't mean this in one of those deep, positive philosophical kind of ways. what i mean is, it seems that whenever i get comfortable, someone shows back up again to uproot my life. perhaps it's because they shouldn't have left, or perhaps it's more than that. maybe it's that i'm not meant to be comfortable. i've said it before, i don't want comfort! not this young. i want action and madness and stress for the love of it all. i want to be passionate and lost only to find myself. and i know that i want all of this and so much more, but when comfort comes my way, i am only human, and as such, crave simplicity. the easier the better.


but in the end... did easy ever make anyone happy..?

Cover Your Eyes so You don't Know the Secret I've Been Trying to Hide

have you ever just known it's off? just had something happen that made it all click? this wasn't meant to hurt you, i didn't leave because of any wrong doing. i kissed you and it hurt something deep in my core. like it was some sort of gigantic lie...

because you were so convinced i was some kind of great being. someone you wanted to do nothing but love. and i felt that, so i let you kiss me again but still the reaction was the same. i hated you for loving me and i hated myself for not being able to accept it. but most of all, i hated myself for not loving you in return.

And You Want Her but She's so Mean. But You Never Let Her Go. Why don't You Let Her Go?

this is the routine. and by now i've learned to guard my heart for all it's worth and just go with it. i know you don't love me, but i know that more than anything you want to. i can see that you're trying. but why are you trying is the question... do you desperate want love or my love? or are you just so alone that you need someone, anyone? i like you, and the first time this happened you rushed into something and i dragged behind somewhere in the distance. when we stopped, it didn't hurt, it just... well it ended. so this time around i knew what would happen, because you so easily push yourself into love without being in love.
so that's what this will be, loveless love, all the feelings without the knots. 

Lie for a While with Your Ear Against the Earth and You'll Hear Your Sister Sleep Talking

i suppose this place would be better than any other.. after watching this most beautiful video i got to thinking... what's my secret? my one true, deep, dark secret that i keep buried?

i pray every night that i grow old. old and flabby and full of wrinkles. i want my hair to gray and my body to slow gracefully.

i listen to the women i help at work complain about their hair graying and their bodies changing, but more than anything it's what i want. i'm not saying i want to rush the here and now.. but to grow old.. to do something that so many people in my family have failed against all their will to do.
i think age is something beautiful and although i don't fear death, i won't greet it with open arms before my time.

I Eat Boys Up, Breakfast and Lunch.

i can't help it i don't think. i don't do it to be harmful or to be mean but i've used that four letter word before. not for gain or for spite, just...because. i just don't understand the feeling i guess. i can say the words, and i can love you like she seems to love him, but i just don't believe that's really love.

they fight, they fight in a way that i think shouldn't happen when you're in love. not that love is perfect, not that love changes everything. but just in the way that i don't believe you have to fly off the handle to make the other person understand when something's wrong. this feels like a bit of a rambling, and maybe it is. but i think that love has to be... not like them. it shouldn't be who's right and who's wrong and it shouldn't be up and down constantly. you can't hate him and then love him the next day, no, that feels wrong to me.

"and i kissed you like i loved you because i wanted what they have."
that's how it's going to be isn't it?

This is Your Life. This is Your Time.

the way you wish for me to be involved in all your shortcomings is not the same way i feel. i don't want you involved when things go wrong. i don't want to tell you or explain it or have you here at my weakest moments. i want to deal with these things myself, because they are mine. don't get me wrong, i ask for help when things get too hard but that's something very different than sharing your life with someone. i just want my life to be mine, i'm young yet, i can be selfish about those things.
this isn't because of you, or some spiteful manner, this is because of who i am and how i function. you can be in my life and you can be a part of my life, but my life is not your's to share.

I Watched You Cry Bathed in Sunlight on the Bathroom Floor, You said You Wished You did not Love Me Anymore.

and when he showed up it hurt all over again. the feelings rushed back as if they'd been waiting just beneath the surface. i knew it would happen, i had just hoped he would stay far, far away. but he walked into the room and was drawn straight back to me, as if time hadn't passed at all. like i was frozen, awaiting his return and stupidly, i acted as if i had done just that. he came back because he knew i was leaving. he knew deep down that meant "no strings attached" and as much as that pains me, i think not ever seeing him again would have hurt far worse. at least now i know he's alive and well. at least now i know his same shy, awkward smile lingers on his face in my presence. at least now perhaps i can lay this to rest...

We Never got to say Goodbye. We Never Sat Down and Cried and Watched Each Other's Tears Fall Out. So I Never Got the Chance to Tell You just Exactly how well You Carved your Home in my Heart.

it's always been him. even when i thought it could have been you, it was him.
you said his name and i froze. i stopped that. i stopped feeling anything for him after he disappeared. and when he's gone he's out of my mind, but when he gets brought up it still feels raw; unfinished. you'd think after all this time that would stop. but with me, i'm not sure it ever does. and i know deep down he won't show up, i won't actually see him tonight like you had said. and that's just fine because i'm comfortable with you. i wouldn't say i'm happy, not exactly, but i'm certainly not unhappy. and if he's going to show up and ruin it all, i'm not sure i want anything to do with him.
i'm leaving you know, moving away and all that. and if he dares to come back now well... where was he when i needed him for the last year or so? where was he when he promised he'd be here? he just wasn't. maybe that was for the best, because maybe he would have been no good for me. but i felt something, some kind of spark and i don't want to see him and have that come back. i can't have that come back. not as i'm leaving..

how dare he make me love him..

"This is the starting of my greatest fear
I'm all packed up and getting out of here
And then you call and tell me not to go
That I'm the one who put the rock and roll
In your life.."

The Waking Up is the Hardest Part

i rarely take naps these days, but today i decided i couldn't last until the evening. i faded off and almost instantly began to dream. i don't remember dreams so vivid in quite a while... the unrelenting pang in my heart, the unsteady breathing and mumbles. it goes without saying that it was far from a dream. and what's worse, i couldn't tell whether or not it was real. i continuously woke from my "dream state" only to find i was still asleep. it turned out to be more exhausting than if i had just continued with my day.

it was about him, my superman. he was alive, but only after i had grown used to his death. so when he came back it was strange. my mother's number had replaced his, our house was without room for him, overall i was lost. i had been lost without him and now lost with him. it was a terror i can't explain, sending jolts of pain into my body. and right before the close of the dream, he was gone again. i didn't think that anything could hurt more than losing him, i was wrong..

the second time was harder.

But my God it's so Beautiful when the Boy Smiles.

today was an ordinary day. an ordinary day laced with promise from an extraordinary boy. he's astounding and i've known it for some time but getting ahold of him isn't easy. i sat with him and listened as he strummed some dark chords on the guitar, trying to get to know this boy i couldn't quite understand. i decided that maybe the only way to known him was to first let him know me. i shyly picked up my uke and played a few chords glancing at him nervously. his fingers froze and he looked at me, studying what i was about to do. "i'm not very good.." i mumbled looking back towards my fingers, "but bear with me and i'll sing a little too." his smile touched the corners of his eyes as he nodded. i started out shaky, mouthing the first few words of the song to steady myself. then i sang. two words, then a verse, then another.. it was easy in front of him as long as i didn't try to look his way. i felt his eyes on me the whole time and strangely, i knew he was smiling his heart-melting smile. someone walked through the door and my fingers faltered. "well that's about all i can manage without getting nervous," i teased glancing up at him finally. he stared at me, his expression unreadable. his face shot into a grin as he opened his mouth to say something. a man walked to the counter. "hold on," he said looking impatient. i nodded and started to strum some silent chords.
he returned, sat down across from me and sighed.
"better?" i whispered.
"much." he laughed. there was a awkward pause.
"what i wanted to say was.. that.. umm.. your voice is beautiful." i felt my face heat as i'm sure i turned six shades of scarlet.


win me over. you know all the right lines.

And at Once I Knew I was not Magnificent.

things are not like fairytales. real life doesn't start with "once upon a time..." and end with "...and they lived happily ever after." it doesn't play out like the movies and get tied up in a nice little bow right before the credits roll. yet that's what people crave. that's what people strive for. this unrealistic facade that perhaps my life could end up that way, even if no one else's has. does anyone else find it exhausting? to work so hard for something always well out of reach? no, maybe it's just me. maybe i'm just striving for perfection because that's my personality. it just never ends, the story line may change here and there; replacing main characters and love interests, losing beloved cast members, but overall it doesn't change.

i don't change.

even though we'll never know what's up ahead, i'm never letting go.

so i'm a "big kid" now; all graduated and off into the world. how did that happen? what exactly led to this? i didn't rush it like most would. i really enjoyed my time, my professors, even some of my peers. and i can honestly say i'll miss a lot of it. no, i didn't get all misty eyed and sentimental. that's not my style, i'll see everyone again. i know that. but it was... important to me. these memories are ones i will cherish.

Suddenly I Have this Feeling, Tasting Copper in My Mouth.

it's funny, it was kind of like a dream. i walked off the runway and out the backstage door and there he was just sitting there waiting. he looked up and smiled at me and i felt my face flush. "sorry i missed you, i had class. but i came as soon as it was over." my awful day at work, my stressful final, my crazy eventful day leading up to the fashion show... it all melted away because he was next to me. he's become a drug in the worst way; once he's gone i ache. and it's not because i'm one of those terrible romantics (although i am) it's because i know he can't be mine, even if he should be.
i saw the way he stared, even after i changed back into my jeans and t-shirt, he felt something. but it's still something he'll never admit. possibly even something he'll never be able to admit.

so this is how it feels to be the other woman... i can't say i'm fond of the feeling.

Cause Blinded, I am Blindsided. Would You Really Rush Out for Me Now?

i don't try to explain my emotions to others anymore. it's not that i'm all cynical and keep to myself, it's just that a lot of people find me strange. they can't quite grasp my meaning behind the word love. i love a lot of people, in a lot of different ways. some for who they are, some for what they stand for, and others just because someone needs to love them. now that's not to say when the feelings aren't returned it doesn't hurt, it does. but i would rather them be happy loving someone else than unhappy alone. i think it comes with experience, or maybe it's just some sort of compassion.


"I'm starting to get a little freaked out, but I'm not gonna break. It's not because I don't care, because I do care what you think about me, I do. Care. I just can't tell you want you want to hear. Which seems to be a theme in my life right now. Just because you can't say something doesn't mean you don't want to, you can want to very much. You can be with a person and be happy with them and not love them. And you can love somebody and not want to be with them. You don't need to love someone to want them. Now that's frustrating, when what your brain tells you you want and what you actually want don't match up. It's exhausting. And, well, it's complicated. But that's life."

Tonight, Don't Leave Me Alone.

it was this horridly complex dream that wracked my body. i'm not sure what brought it about, or why i would finally have it within the depths of such a calm day. but as i awoke from it, my 6 hours of sleep went unnoticed. it was as if i hadn't slept at all. i've retained what i can and will try my bet to decipher it without giving away information.

i sauntered around the back-roads to my old school with a girl i can't quite place. her face looked like a mangle of people within my waking life. as we drove a battered, faded red truck passed us while i let out a trill of laughter. the boy in the car turned in my direction as if i had beckoned him, we locked eyes but my words couldn't escape the tightness in my throat. he shook his head, suggesting i had missed my chance to reach him.
it was the first a several dreams that hurt for reasons i can't explain.

i was in a dorm bathroom, a saying in quotes was smeared across the mirror in a harsh red lipstick that dripped around the edges like blood. i studied it, my thoughts flashing to a large pillared structure with the same words etched into it's framework. my friend and i raced to the building and ransacked a few rooms looking frantically for our next sign. i came across a weighted desk, looking for a sign. there, under the foot of drawers were whatever it was i was searching for. my hand couldn't quite reach underneath to peel the paper taped almost to the floor. i called my friend to me, insisting he lift the desk just enough to allow my hand some room. i ripped the papers from their holding place and read them uncomprehendingly. october 28th. on every single note the date was etched in large red ink, whether it was encrypted or not. 
something in my mind signaled disaster even after i was dragged back into waking.

And There's Strangers Everywhere. Don't Keel Over Now.

it's not that i thought i fought the world all on my own, or that i thought i was the only one struggling. it's just that i never thought someone so close to me could feel similar pains. it eased my soul in a way, but hurt at the same time. i wish life had dealt her a better hand than me, but it seems that we are one in the same. i found that out today. we were never close, my sister and i, but it seems that as life's dragged us forward we fell into many of the same holes, the same problems. i love her, but a large age gap never gave us the opportunity to know each other. she's an amazing woman, i always knew that much but to hear her talk about the things i think about each and every day shocked me.

just because the world seems silent that doesn't mean you're alone.

Leaf by Leaf and Page by Page, Throw this Book Away.

i've had this dream stuck in the left side of my vision all day. it's strange, when i stop focusing on the present and what's in front of me, i can see bits and pieces of it. almost as if my peripheral vision is another world entirely. i remember this overwhelming warmth that i felt; this glad disposition. but i can't quite place it. i'm not sure what really happened, i just know that it was good. that somewhere inside of my unconscious i know what happy really feels like. i'm not saying i'm unhappy i'm just comfortable, like i've settled at the bottom of this adventurous life i should be challenging myself to. it's some sort of lull i've reached a few years ago. i need change. i need passion.

i'm still searching for something i haven't found.

You Shout it Out, but I Can't Hear a Word You Say.

there's a lot of complications to all of this, isn't there? even when we sit down and try to sort it out we tend to over complicate it. you're astounding, from what i've seen you always have been. and perhaps that's a good thing, perhaps that's the part of you that draws me in. everything about you is intoxicating to my mind and i can't quite make sense of it all. your smile is infectious and your laugh ends far too soon. you're all i could ever ask for but everything i keep inside. i refuse to play whatever kind of game you seem to be reeling me into but maybe that's the problem: my quick and rash judgements. just because i deem it to be one way doesn't make it true. maybe in the long run, it is i who is playing with you..

Oh Simple Thing, Where Have You Gone?

i've lost my passion... i used to paint and sketch constantly. not for assignments, but because my imagination would run away with me. i've lost whatever it was that drove me to do that. and it's been so long that i'm not sure how or if i could ever get it back. i think that's what makes it so hard, that at one point i had such a drive; such a wild desire. it breaks my heart to know that i was once so full of... something like life and now: nothing.

There's Nothing Left for Us Here.

it's hard to explain or maybe it's me making this hard to explain..
i had a really close friend in high school, but he was one of those "in school friends". when we went away to college he got a girlfriend, go figure. and she just so happened to hate me, because she was afraid he'd leave her for me... again, new concept, right? well they recently broke up so he's back in my face. and it's not that i don't like him as a person, i do. it's that i've adjusted. i know life without him and i get by just fine. so letting him back in is hard.. although he doesn't seem to think it should be. i don't like his constant texts and phone calls or how he likes seeing me. i don't like that he has all these old nicknames for me or that he likes to put his arm around me. i don't like that he's overprotective and acts like it's his right to be. i don't like how our "inside jokes" are resurfacing like all this time hasn't passed.

it has, and there's no going back. 
i don't want to go back.

All the Details in the Fabric, all the Things that make You Panic.

i spent my time last night sketching into the wee hours of the morning. as i went, i started thinking about the people i know. about how the people who accidentally stumble across this blog probably know me better than i'll ever allow any of them to. that's sad. it's untrusting, i know that. and it's not that i don't know them, it's the simple fact that putting your life in someone's hands is messy. trusting someone with yourself doesn't usually work out, so why do it? why not be the way i am? the person who is told, not who tells. someone just needs to fight down my walls, but no one bothers to take the time these days.

Kony 2012-- watch, listen, love.

My voice may be small, but it does not have to be silent.

I may seem weak, but together we are strong.

KONY 2012

Slow Down, the World isn't Watching Us Break Down.

you're all i want. you're all i need. i can't imagine there ever being anyone else but you. i can tell you all my secrets because you are my world. but did you see that girl over there? she's a bitch and she treats me like crap, but that's what makes me want her. you're right, but she's what i'm going to chase because you'll be here when i'm finished. you always are. it bothers you? well go ahead... tell me that you'll leave.


...that's what i thought.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Stand a little taller. Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone.

i'm so tired. i'm so tired of hearing the same things over and over from different people. i'm a pretty girl. i don't mean it in a conceited "i like to stare at myself" kind of way. i just mean that i see the way people stare, i watch the boys fight to buy me drinks. i know what i am. but pretty girls like me have stereotypes just like any other person in the world. no, i don't want you to tell me i'm fxckin' hot. no, i don't want to hear what you'd like to do to me or how you want to bring me home. actually, quite frankly, i don't want to be brought anywhere. and i don't want to hear anything along the lines of what i "owe" you. i owe you nothing. i am just as entitled as anyone else to change my mind about another human being. see, people are tricky like that. they act like one person when you meet them and then as time goes on, they morph into something you wouldn't expect. so i'm changing my mind. it doesn't make me a tease or a prude or psycho. it makes me human. you are not what i thought, making you not what i want. and i won't be guilted into something for another second of my life.

I will Love You in My Own Way. I will Love You Better.

the best relationship i'd ever forced myself to have was with a boy i'd known for years, but never really knew. i couldn't tell you how it worked for as long as it did, but it was as close to perfect as i've ever gotten. the flaw was that we loved, we just weren't in love. in the end, he grew tired and i grew bored. we grew apart, that was really it. it wasn't messy or painful, one day it was just over and we both knew it. we both accepted it.
but i digress, the point of this was to help you understand..
the relationship itself was nothing special. it wasn't like we confided in one another or shared our lives, we just shared this spark. this incredible, unexplainable flame. the reason for its perfection was found in the way he looked at me. the way that his eyes would take all of me in and willingly hold onto it. it made me more passionate; wilder. i could actually see myself for the beautiful person i was.
that is why the relationship was perfect because i walked away from it pieced together. i walked away, head held high and confident. as did he.

i just needed the sun to help me bloom.

The Drops of Rain They Fall all Over. This Awkward Silence make Me Crazy.

i was walking out of the gym when i saw him. his hair fell in those same dark wisps but his face was covered by huge sunglasses. we glanced at each other right before he jogged off to his car. deep down, i know it wasn't him. deep down, i know this was some similar-looking stranger who just dug up my past. but regardless, i felt that same old lump in my chest and found my eyes damp underneath my sunglasses. i felt 2 years younger and just as useless as i was back then. i'm sorry that sometimes i miss you, but i miss you all the same.

But Please, Don't Cry, You Liar.

i really did try to explain it last night. i let the words overflow from my mouth like a flood. if she is your happiness then take her, please i beg of you. but if you're doing this because she's there. if you're doing this because she is easy or disposable or perhaps just "what you want now". stop. don't ruin this. you're wonderful and you're flourishing for once in your suffocating life. and she will destroy you with all that she is. merely because she can. because she knows that she can own you and twist you however she pleases like some sort of rag doll. if you think that even for a second you aren't really in love with her, then run. i'm not asking you to run into my arms, just away from her. you're old enough to do this on your own, but like i told you last night: you and i won't make it this time around. she won't allow that, not even long enough for you to say goodbye. and if she steals your gaze, you'll choose her just like you did with the others before. but i won't be there to help you pick up the pieces.

I can't Steal His Heart, but I can Steal back Mine.

people astound me and not in that positive, fascinating way. it's usually more of a searing, disjointed pain. of course, people don't say things to merely get a rise out of me, that's an immature thought process. but somethings.. well you just shouldn't share; at least not with the girl you were kneeling in front of 2 weeks before.
okay, so we were drinking, and obviously the proposal was somewhat of a joke. but this conversation we're having now is destroying me. i know in the end i'll survive, but you fought for this to happen,for us to happen, for years and now it's all ruined. you may love me and i may love you, but i won't give you a chance now that i know how many girls you've been sleeping with. call me a child if you must, but college doesn't give you a "get out of jail free" card. partying doesn't excuse responsibility.

like i said, somethings just shouldn't be discussed.

But You didn't Have to Cut Me Off Make Out like it Never Happened and that We were Nothing.

"Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over

But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say

You said that you could let it go"

our fighting was useless wasn't it? i look back and i really don't know why we fought. ever. we never got anywhere with it, and neither of us ever had a point in all of it. i remember when we reached that point where i literally would just start screaming because i felt like i'd lose myself if i didn't. unhealthy. you know, i never reached that point with anyone but you. and although i used to swear that it wasn't your fault, i'm realizing it was because of you. why did i hold on to someone who abused me that badly? why do i still even speak to you? because sometimes you can be mildly friendly? nonsensical. i don't know who i was. i just know that i held onto you so that i had a tangible piece of my past, just in case it all slipped through my fingers. i had this unjust theory that all of it would disappear in a haze one morning. i wanted to save you on a shelf for the rest of my life, even if i didn't love you. or want to love you. or plan to love you. and that was where i came into the blame. that's the one thing i'm truly sorry for, not really ever loving you but knowing how to act as if i did. it was cold and fruitless. i'm sorry.

"So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over"

Oh Velocity Girl, I can't keep up with You.

i'm searching for this boy; his name is a bit of a blur in my head. i haven't seen him in what seems like lifetimes. we connected once, but he felt so distance through the pixels. when i reached for his face, i was shot with the unsettling flatness of a brightly lit screen. i'm not sure where he's ran, and i'm not sure i wish to chase him at any rate. i just wish he could read these words and know that i was with him. wishing him well and hoping he found that girl he so prayed i was.

Even the Things that seem Still are still Changing

my first day of college, i walked on campus and saw this boy. you know, those people that you kind of gawk at? not in a rude way; just because you can't help yourself. i thought i'd never see him again, no big deal. wrong. he just so happened to be everywhere i was. maybe it was to get me to notice him or maybe it's because i knew his face, i don't know. but he had this way of catching me off guard and unnerving me.

once the spring hit, i had a tendency to sit on top of this hill near the edge of one of my buildings on campus. i would bring out my laptop, hook up my headphones and listen to music while writing up papers or doing assignments. i remember the teal shirt i was wearing and those awful jeans. i remember just having gotten bangs and letting my hair sail down from the clip and be picked up by the wind. that one faithful day he trudged up the hill and just plopped down next to me. i looked around seeing if it was me he was staring at and realized i was the only person on the hill, aside from him. my awkward gawking lasted a few seconds before he offered a "hey" and began to talk to me. i unwillingly took out my headphones, knowing this was some game. some strange, twisted daydream i would wake from if my music stopped. but stop it did, and he was still in front of me. we talked for what seemed like forever yet only seconds at the same time. finally he stood, dusted off his jeans and prepared to trudge back the way he came. he stopped to turn to me, "by the way, i'm ___." he paused waiting for me to return the gesture. "oh, i'm ___." he smiled, shaking my hand. "i umm came up here because you looked like someone i knew." i laughed, finally gaining my confidence, "let's not pretend you thought i was someone else." he flushed "well, you're much prettier than emily actually."

the semesters rolled by and still he was everywhere; some days less acknowledged then others, but present all the same. eventually he went on to exist outside of campus: around my town, outside of my job, at the mall, at the movies. it was like seeing a teacher out of the classroom; unnerving. we would glance at each other, sometimes stare even but never approach; never acknowledge with a nod or smile.

today i walked into the shoprite near my job after a long day of work and wandered aimlessly from one aisle to the next gathering the food written on my list; dancing a little bit to whatever song came on shuffle. it's a usual routine, so usual in fact that i know exactly where everything is and get it in the same order every other week: through the produce, down the juice aisle, up the cereal aisle, along the fresh meat, down the pasta aisle and so on until i reach the end of the store; dairy. i wobble a little as i turn the cart in my unrealistically high black heels. i'm mouthing the words to "savior" and probably making an ass of myself, but at 9PM i hardly care. i glance up and meet the eyes of someone down the end of the aisle dressed up in a nice shirt and tie. he was obviously smirking at my performance. i felt my head cock to the side and my forehead furrow trying to place the face i was looking at. it clicked and i felt my face flush with color. i felt betrayed, like my sanctuary (yes, that's right, shoprite is my sanctuary!) had been invaded. why did he have to be everywhere i was? everywhere i didn't want him to be? i shook the thought from my mind and looked towards the shelves, reaching for what i needed and beginning to mouth lyrics again. i felt his eyes bore into my head.
food shopping is a quick swing for me, 30 minutes and done but not today, no of course not. not the one day that i'm itching to run in the opposite direction. i was approached by a cashier while in the self check out lane... two in fact, but i digress. the second wondered if he could ask me for some advice. i smiled, paused my music and nodded. he went on to talk about his relationship, all the while i saw the boy all dressed in his tie through the reflection in the window i was facing. why did he have to pick that aisle to stock? why did he have to be so close that i could watch him staring? my body tensed but i listened all the same, trying my best to avoid the feeling of being watched. 20 minutes passed, then 30 and still i stood facing away from the aisle he worked in, glancing over my shoulder every opportunity i could find while still looking natural.

i don't make him nervous, not nearly as nervous as he makes me. if i do, he composes himself with such grace it's appalling.

And How can I Stand here with You, and not be Moved by You?

she asked me about you last night. asked why we did this to ourselves so willingly. it was strange, having someone from the outside ask me about us.
"is it like there's something there? something more than just the friendship?"
i smiled and shrugged, "i mean, i guess."
"well could you see it going somewhere? could you see the future in it?"
i laughed and thought back to the first day i met you, about 8 years ago. you were this tiny, meek little boy and i was so stoic and unreadable. and then i flashed forward to the time we had to work on a project at my house. how you looked when my father answered the door; the change in your face when you saw me peak out from behind him. i thought of our fights and our shared pain. i thought of all our slow songs; you in your suits and me in my dresses twirling in circles, laughing about secrets and sighing that the songs ended much too soon. and then i was stabbed with a memory i tried hard to avoid, of my dad right before he passed. he smiled at me weakly and laughed a hardy laugh that shouldn't belong to such a body. "you're going to marry him you know." 
i laughed, "you haven't even met him yet!"
he shook his head. "not that boy, him."
i crossed my arms and rolled my eyes, "mhmm, sure dad."
"you wait, you'll see."
it's been 5 years since then and only now can i really appreciate those words. the memory faded and i returned to the girl i was standing next to outside of the house.
"well, could you?"
i smiled fighting back a tear from the memory, knowing she'd feel bad if she saw it. i nodded, afraid my voice would betray me and smirked.
she laughed and clapped her hands together, "you know, i could see that too," she replied as if she heard my thoughts.

maybe there's someone else out there for both of us. or maybe we're just waiting until we're both ready. as the days turn into years we really have grown.
...but is that enough?

And You don't Miss a Thing 'til You Cry when You're Driving Away in the Dark.

“It happens, baby." Dad nodded and patted me on the hand, and then he read my mind. "You forget all of it anyway. First, you forget everything you learned - the dates of the Hay-Herran Treaty and the Pythagorean Theorem. You especially forget everything you didn't really learn, but just memorized the night before. You forget the names of all but one or two of your teachers, and eventually you'll forget those, too. You forget your junior class schedule and where you used to sit and your best friend's home phone number and the lyrics to that song you must have played a million times. For me, it was something by Simon & Garfunkel. Who knows what it will be for you? And eventually, but slowly, oh so slowly, you forget your humiliations - even the ones that seemed indelible just fade away. You forget who was cool and who was not, who was pretty, smart, and athletic, and not. Who went to a good college. Who threw the best parties. Who could get you pot. You forget all of them. Even the ones you said you loved, and even the ones you actually did. They're the last to go. And then once you've forgotten enough, you love someone else.” 
― Gabrielle Zevin, Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac

there was something right about this. something beautifully chaotic yet pleasantly settling. like everything of the past is set in shale rather than cement. and that you can carry it with you if you so choose, but even those memories will one day fade. when they're actually gone, i won't miss them. but the process of leaving them behind leaves bruises and scars i'd rather not acknowledge. when did this happen? when did life... begin?