"Her Hand, it Fit Mine."

"Usually adult males who are unable to make emotional connections with the women they choose to be intimate with are frozen in time, unable to allow themselves to love for fear that the loved one will abandon them. If the first woman they passionately loved, the mother, was not true to her bond of love, then how can they trust that their partner will be true to love. Often in their adult relationships these men act out again and again to test their partner’s love. While the rejected adolescent boy imagines that he can no longer receive his mother’s love because he is not worthy, as a grown man he may act out in ways that are unworthy and yet demand of the woman in his life that she offer him unconditional love. This testing does not heal the wound of the past, it merely reenacts it, for ultimately the woman will become weary of being tested and end the relationship, thus reenacting the abandonment. This drama confirms for many men that they cannot put their trust in love. They decide that it is better to put their faith in being powerful, in being dominant." ― Bell Hooks

i have no words of my own that speak quite as loud as this.

The Softest of Sounds for the Heaviest Things and the Pain that it Brings.

he had such sad eyes; your sad eyes. and i thought back to the day i realized i broke your heart. did you ever recover? sometimes, i think that i haven't.
has anyone ever explained what it's like to be on the other side? has anyone considered this side of the story? the distress in your throat, the strain in your voice, as you utter words that you clearly don't want to? it feels like someone stepping on your windpipe and you gasp and sputter, prying at this great nothingness that's entrapping you. i wanted this just as much as you did, possibly more. i wanted you more than anything i'd ever encountered and for once it didn't scare me. it didn't chase me away, it made me content. it made me happy. even now that word sounds strange on my tongue.
i can place the day that i knew i'd lost you for good, i was at the movies and you called drunkenly slurring that you hated your job and i wasn't there for you. that you hated how i wasn't there and that i wasn't trying hard enough because i didn't love you. i tried to talk you down. tried to tell you that i was trying as best as i could between 4 jobs and a 3 1/2 hour commute to you. you told me it didn't matter, i could do better. that's when it hit me: i would never be enough.
so what you saw as breaking your heart, wasn't really that one-sided and cruel. you see, there had already been irreparable damage on my end.

All This Time I was Finding Myself and I Didn't Know I was Lost.

I'm writing you to get you off my mind.
I'm writing you to be fair to you;
because calling you tonight, like I want to, wouldn't be fair. because letting the words slur off my tongue in any sort of poetry would be a dagger through you. i won't give myself the chance to tell you how badly you're missed or how much you're loved... how you'll always be loved.
so i won't call and i won't text and i won't pretend not to know better.
i saw your face; those eyes. i knew what i was doing to you so i chose to save you. i couldn't rightfully make you fall in love with me. not because i don't love you, but because i couldn't love you.
so i'll sit here, on the other side of the broken heart, and tell you that this hurts too. this part of the story is also painful. i feel everything so vibrantly that it feels numb.

Now I'm Bound by the Life You Left Behind. Your Face it Haunts My Once Pleasant Dreams.

the truth was, i never really learned how to go about living without you. i didn't teach myself, the way i did with all the others, to let you go. i honestly don't think i even bothered trying. i didn't want to. i wanted to believe that you would come back in grand strides and sweep me up into your arms and that would be the end of it. no more sad songs, no more bad dreams.
i still see things that remind me of the stories you told and rush to find you. i still want to bury myself behind you when i cry or i'm afraid. i still want all the things you promised me, with you and only you.
so now i'm just haunted.

I'm Glad that You can Forgive, Only Hoping as Time Goes, You can Forget.

the number one reason why i don't have girl friends:
i don't understand them.

i don't understand why a girl can break up with a boy and date another boy and still hold claims to every ex she's ever had. to make matters worse, i don't understand the girls that stake claims on anyone they've ever had sex with. because let's be fair, if they're doing that, they've probably been with a lot of them. i don't understand hurt feelings and betrayal and everything else that goes with "no, he was mine!"

i am not the possessive type. and i'd like to say that it's because i'm just the most wonderful person in existence  but if we're being honest, i just don't care. part of me knows that if they weren't happy with me, they shouldn't stay and although my every wish is for them to be mine, they aren't. and maybe, just maybe, i wasn't right for them, but someone else just might be.

my exes have dated friends, best friends, close friends, girls i considered sisters. and you know the one main thing i've learned from that? that someone besides myself was better for them. because that someone really could make that silly boy, that always seemed to be in pain, smile. but why would anyone else be realistic and think that way?

people dont belong to people and that's something i stand firmly behind. i don't like possessive human beings, no matter the context.

Setting Fire to Our Insides for Fun.

i wanted him for who he wasn't.
i wanted him because he didn't make my heart flutter, and his words were simply a dime a dozen.
i wanted him for his smile and his eyes and the way he brushed the hair from his face because, to me, it was all unremarkable.
i wanted something that wouldn't send shivers up and down my spine.
i wanted someone whose words made me smirk and then dissipated just as quickly.
i wanted someone i wouldn't want to hold onto, so that when he left, i left.
i wanted him because i knew he couldn't make me cry because no matter what he did, 

he wasn't you. 

he would never have my heart and i knew that the second he said my name.

Baby, I Hate It.

today, i looked myself in the eye and asked "is this even worth it?"
should i keep holding my breath and wait for it all to drop? should i keep my mouth shut? because some good that seems to be doing.
eventually you have to realize that people don't talk to same way you do. they don't think, feel, cope, understand in the same depths. perhaps he meant well. and maybe he would return, somewhere farther down the line. but i couldn't hope forever, could i?
i couldn't keep convincing my body that it should wait for a promise that may never come. i needed to move on, to continue with life and know that for one single month i knew what happiness was. and that that was all about to end. i needed to inhale the pain sharply and know that exhaling may feel like daggers until i was myself again. alone again. disconnected from that part of the human experience.

There's Something About Her...

i wouldn't wait for him to come rescue me out of this life. i didn't need saving. i never had. i wasn't the damsel in distress type. if i was, he would have never wanted me so badly in the first place. i knew my place in this world, and i wasn't afraid. i don't really remember the last time i was afraid of anything that had to do with life. living i could do. alone, together, connected. i could do all of that.

my problem was convincing myself that i did need someone. that needing someone was a woman's job. it's ridiculous and untrue (i'm quite aware of that) but my independence seemed to be becoming more and more outlandish with each passing day. and i began to think that it was what was doing me in--- keeping me (dare i say...) single.

obviously, i talked myself out of that one. 

Even Angels have their Wicked Schemes, but You take that to New Extremes.

my newsfeed has become a graveyard:

to all the things you used to spend the time telling me.
to all the words i want to say to you, but can't. because for some reason we aren't talking.
to all the moments that break my heart because you made me love you.

you did this for your own enjoyment.

i won't take back the things i said, because i meant them.

and i won't walk away because i promised you i wouldn't.

and unlike you, i keep my promises.

Wake Up. Look Me in the Eyes Again.

i know it's not my job to fix you. and it's not like i believe you're broken. i don't. but you look like you are. it's as if your soul is shattering slowly behind your eyes, and i can see it. i can hear it in your voice as it wavers on the other line. and i just want to pick up the pieces and put you back together again. i want to hold you in a way that proves i'm staying right here. i want to convince you that i won't run, because during my weakest moments you swore you'd chase me.
but i can't fix what's not broken.
and i don't want to change you.


i love you for exactly who you are. body and soul. words and thoughts. good and bad.

No, I'm Never Gonna Leave You Darling.

i didn't know people said things like that or could look at another person that way. i didn't know that men romanced women anymore. or that i would stumble across one that wanted to do that to me. i wasn't expecting what i have found.
they're right you know, those people of the past who spoke so highly of love at first sight. the ones who swore that people would just know. they do. when your other half is standing in front of you, you're fully aware of it. it's startling, terrifying actually, but once you accept it it's beautiful.

Yeah, I Bet You're Bending God's Ear Talking 'bout Me.

he had words to say about everything. words to make me ache, but in a good way. words that could make me smile for days. he had jokes. jokes that i would remember throughout the day and laugh about randomly.
how does a person do that to another person? how does someone walk into your life casually and suddenly change it forever? am i ready for such a change? is he?

i'm happy, but this is all too fast. fast scares me because it's usually only a matter of time before it crashes and burns. all my defenses are quickly being broken and i'm not sure if it's fate or death that's knocking at my door.
i'm preparing to give you something that's very sacred to me, please don't damage it.

If Our Love is Tragedy, why are You My Remedy?

you have crossed my mind enough today. you have stomped and smashed across my memory. burrowed and dug deep inside my head. don't you understand i'm trying to get over this? pretend you never happened? i want to end it quick before there's nothing left of you to salvage. i love you and i know from experience, that will never go away. but i could love you differently. i could let it turn into something that you would reciprocate; something that wouldn't break my heart over and over again. but i need time.
i could have a dormant love, one that was pushed into my core instead of up against my vulnerable skin. my center is thick, impenetrable, safe from the harm of the chance that you may find someone else to fall for and smile at and send those looks to. i just want you to be happy with someone, something, anything. but i can't keep doing it at my own expense.
so this is me telling you to make your choice: either say the words or let me mend myself.
you can't keep this up, giving me whatever this is. allowing me to rip myself in two.

consider this my vow of silence. 

I'm Dead in the Water.

i wanted what this was.
the calming feeling of being in someone's arms. curling up beneath them and not coming up for air because it was safe there. i didn't want it to mean things or lead to something else. i just wanted it to be. to be honest and all knowing and expected. what is it now?

it's been dragged through the dust and grime.
it's not safe here anymore.

We came from Outside and Our Boots were Dirty but We Hurried to get in from the Cold. Can We Rest Our Eyes?

had it not been great love, i would be jealous of this other girl. had i not known great love, i would kick and scream and find new ways to make him mine. had i just wanted him and not his happiness, i would hate him for this.

instead, my heart just aches. but i am so glad that his smile has not gone to waste.
please love him.

Or do You not Think so Far Ahead?

I need a man that will run through life with me.

Not as though it is a chore, 

but rather as if it were a dance.

As I Watched You Kiss Him Softly, the Same Way You Kissed Me.

i just want to talk about him until it doesn't hurt so bad. i just want to sit here and cry and have you listen to it and not judge me. i want to be able to tell you how much i really love him and how often he runs through my mind. i want to have you hug me and tell me that it's okay to love someone that much. that it's okay to let your heart swell up so big that it aches and it's hard to breathe. i want you to tell me that i have nothing to be ashamed of and that sometimes these things run away from us.
sometimes we love too much for no reason at all. we create reasons, reasons that may even make all kinds of sense. but when push comes to shove, they are only excuses. they are things we've imagined in order to let our way too high, much too strong walls shatter.
i let too many other words get the better of my senses. i allowed people to look in on something i held precious and blow it out of proportion. in the long run, all that does is hurt me. no one else.
he is who i think about as my head touches the pillow. his is the face i see when that song comes on the radio. i jump when my phone rings and hope to see his name. and there's this stupid grin that stretches across my face when it is. it's wrong, but it feels so right.

so here i am  left wondering why nothing has come out of the something that i found to be beautiful. and the only answer i'm left with is because it is me.

I Only See You in My Rearview Mirror Now.

so this website (down there) is just a little something i saw while i was traipsing about the internet as usual. the writer is trying to create a support system for those that have/are bullied. i think it's something important and have reached out to help her. i know that i have a few regulars that check in from time to time, so if you have a story, share it. this is something that is very close to my heart. hopefully it's close to all of your's too.

here's the website, check it out:
http://whatsyourstory22.wordpress.com/

I Would Never Try to make You be Anything You didn't really wanna be.

today i have lived on this earth 6 years without you.
that's 2190 days with far more moments created throughout them.
which is about 52560 hours, to the hour.
3,153,600 minutes have passed
and there have been 63,072,000 missed opportunities for your body to exhale.
189,216,000 seconds flew by without you on this planet.

but not a single one was wasted.
and not a single one passed without you in my heart.

i love you, i miss you
i pray you've been resting peacefully.

Am I Losing My Mind when I'm Telling You I was an Accident? I've got to do Something Quick.

i am not lost. 

just because i am not doing things the way you did them, the way the world does them, that doesn't make me lost. it doesn't make me troubled or going in the wrong direction. i am not doing this as a cry for attention or to beg for you to show me what to be. i know who i want to be. moreover, i know who i am and where i want to end up.

i've always thought that maybe my brain didn't work exactly like all the others. and for the longest time i tried to cover my tracks and follow some sort of form for the way everything must be done. maybe it's time i stopped doing that. maybe i should do things in my order, my own way. stop fearing for my good reputation.

okay, so maybe i don't know exactly what i'm doing. perhaps i'm walking around in the dark with my arms outstretched, praying that i stumble across the right path.

...because maybe it's not all about getting out, maybe it's about the things you stumble upon along the way.

Here I am Waiting, I'll have to Leave Soon. Why am I Holding on?

i deleted your number today.
and that may sound childish. it may sound absolutely absurd, but i felt accomplished.
i realize that this doesn't mean you'll simply disappear. it doesn't mean that i'm rid of your memory and that you'll never haunt my sleep. i might still remember you for another 7 years, or 10, or for the rest of my life. but there's this slim chance that i'll break your hold on me.
when i said i was done, i wanted to mean it more than anything else i've ever said before. i wanted it to echo darkly in your soul. i wanted you to feel hollow and abandoned the second the words left my lips. but i'm realistic, i know that didn't happen. i'm sure you didn't even feel it.
but it wasn't for you. none of this was done for you. it wasn't meant to destroy you, it was done for my benefit.
This Was Meant For Me.
i think you broke a part of me. and for so long i was trying to tape it back together. yearning to cover up my shame. because i was so sure that being broken by someone was something to be ashamed of.
i was wrong.

I'm Falling More in Love with Every Single Word I Withhold.

i wonder about my first love, my best friend. did he know i meant it when i said i loved him. did he cry like i did when i told him he shouldn't be dating her. has he cried every time i've said that it should be me. did he listen or care. was i his back-up or was he just afraid he would lose me if he made a mistake.

i wonder about the one who didn't feel.

i wonder about the boy with the blue eyes and tangled tongue. is he still following his path with strength? i wonder if he's found that happiness i used to find when i was with him. i wonder if he feels accomplished in all that he's done, all that he plans to do. i wonder if Korea is treating him well and if he's oozing with stories to bring home to me. i wonder if this place will feel like home to him anymore. i wonder if he'll ever even return. i wonder if he remembers the promise he made me, because i do.

i wonder about the one with the surfer hair, who swore he would know God if he ever saw Him walking on the street. i wonder if he has ever kissed a girl yet or if he's even tried. i wonder if he learned true faith and how to accept death. i wonder if he's even come to see death with his own eyes. i wonder if life has left him unjaded and naive.

i wonder about the one who named me beautiful. i wonder how he's been. if he ever thinks of me and if we could have, should have, happened. i wonder if he knows that he was the first person who had ever called me that. i wonder if he could see on my face how awkward i was and how sad i felt.

i wonder about the one who sang me lullabies. the one that wrote songs in his sleep and forever spoke in lyrics. i wonder if he's missed me against his piano, humming along as i sketched. has he found someone new to charm him and bring about his smile?

i wonder about the confused one who loved me at the right time. i wonder if he's found new happiness in another love. i wonder if he really could ever have loved me in the first place. i wonder if when he kissed me, he truly felt something, or if those were just words.

i wonder about the one with the hair.

i wonder about the artist. i heard that he was happy with a new girl and that made me smile. was he all in my head. or should i have just reached out and grabbed hold of his heart. would we both be better off this way, in worlds far apart.

i wonder about the one from that bar that won me over with a word. i wonder if he makes up stories about his life or if he was honest. i wonder if he really wanted to take me on that date. i wonder if i should have given him a chance--- moreover i wonder if he wanted one. i wonder if he knew that taking him home was unlike me, or if he even cared. did he do that often with other girls and if he did, would it have mattered.

i wonder about the one who had never known how to love. i wonder if he knew why i refused to be his first. i wonder if he hates me for it.

i wonder about the one who loved me right at the wrong time. i wonder if there would have ever been a right time. i wonder if he will find someone new that will treat him as i did. i wonder if he'll be as comfortable with her as he was with me.

i wonder about the late night greeter. i wonder if he got bored of how little i felt. i wonder if my words scared him away. i wonder if he could ever just be friends with me--- because i'd like that.

i wonder about the one who seems unsure. i wonder if he ever thought of loving me. i wonder if he would. i wonder if when i'm gone he misses me and if he would ever tell me that. i wonder if he talks about me to his mother and if she can tell. i wonder if his brother ever teases him about the way he stares at me when i come over. i wonder if his brother has ever told him no. i wonder if it meant as much to him as it did to me and if he held my hand long after i'd fallen asleep. would he ever mention it to anyone and would they judge him about it. i wonder if he wants to protect me--- or if those were just lines. i wonder if he really watched over me that one night, and thought of all the secrets he wanted to spill from his mouth. i wonder if he whispered them to me and that was why my dreams were so calming that night. i wonder if i said his name in my sleep and it made him smile. i wonder if he knows i want to make him smile for the rest of my life.


i read this today, http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/wonder-about-them-all-the-time/ (yes, that's your cue to read it), and decided that i wanted to write something like it myself.

'Cause all too soon the Clock will Strike Midnight and She'll be Gone.

i dreamt about him last night, it's like he felt my anxiety attacking my body and came racing to the rescue, just like he used to.
i jumped into his arms and kissed him on the cheek, "oh how i missed you!"
he laughed, "hi princess, you look good"
i introduced him to everyone he'd never met and told him all the secrets that i've needed to share with someone who would help me.

it's not that i ever wish you weren't here, but i don't miss you the way i did when you first died. the pain's numbed over in a way that keeps me functioning. i make a mental note of all the things i want to share with you and somehow hope they reach your ears.

know that i love you. always.

Something 'bout the Way He Moves.

"Love---

I used to think it was the act of being in love that was so profound. But that’s not really true at all. It’s the act of falling. That violent stumble that forces you in sync with another human being. As beautiful as love it, without that fall, I feel it isn’t enough. Maybe it’s just me, maybe it’s that I haven’t been in love long enough to prove the theory wrong. But that moment when you realize that whatever you may have had, whatever you thought you were doing right before them, doesn’t feel like fully living anymore… well that’s the moment that makes everything else worth it. The fights, the distance, the sheer lack of sanity; it all seems almost miniscule. Almost okay."

i found this from an old blog i used to have. i've long since forgotten the password not to mention the stories and the posts. but looking through it all made me nostalgic. and this one really stood out to me.. so i wanted to share it with all of you.

As You Quietly Let Yourself Out.

it been 9 years since i've last seen you. since i really truly looked at you; studied every portion of your face from the flecks in your eyes to the scruff you left on your face in the morning.
you visited me in my sleep last night and i said "you look exactly the same" as i awkwardly hugged the person that broke my heart in half. the rest of my past merely infected the wound, but you, oh you just opened it up to the entire world. i turned beat red from the expression on your face; as you tried to figure out how you could have ended up in the vicinity of my voice, my eyes. how after all these years, my mind would still let you escape that dark place i locked you away in. (you have the drugs for this retched illness to blame that on.)
after all this time i don't blame you, i know that his death scared you. you thought that i would just come undone and maybe at one point i had.

but i would appreciate it if you didn't come back here.
my dreams have no place for you anymore, conscious or not.

To Those Who are Concerned:

i want you all to understand something: i am not who you think i am. 

it's quite clear to me that a few of you seem to think i am someone you know, trust me, i am not. i could give you details of my life that would not match up to anyone else. you can ask me about such things, if you would like, but i do insist on my anonymity and ask you to respect that.

i like that everyone is curious as to get to know me and see the world through my eyes, but this is my place. this is my place to express how i feel when situations arise and to think things through without hurting those i love. i am letting you all in in a way that my loved ones have begged to hear but i cannot yet share.

so ask me, i'm dying to hear what you can come up with.

This is the Starting of My Greatest Fear, I'm all Packed up and getting Out of Here and then You Call and Tell Me Not to Go..

i've never been sure of how to speak up. how to say something before it's too late and usually that bites me in the ass..

our circumstance isn't right. it's not that we're dating other people or anything but it's just so complicated... i can't believe that love has been this complicated for so long. when did it become so challenging to speak up and express yourself? when did words seem to not be enough and just make everything worse? if this had always been going on, no one would have ever admitted to love and fallen in the first place.
how do you say something when you're so sure it will ruin everything? how do you live with the "what if's" if you choose not to?
maybe it's too soon, maybe it's not right. but maybe he's just as scared as i am.

And We are Changing Our Ways, taking Different Roads.

the song has begun to settle down into the back of my memory. it's still very much there when situations arise, but i've really solved a lot.

i've accepted that there are things i cannot change. people i cannot change.
and realized maybe i need to just separate from those circumstances.

i'm laying my superman complex down, realizing that maybe i just need to stop trying to save the world one person at a time. especially when it's clear they don't want to be saved. it feels like shooing insects away from an open flame; they become disoriented and end up right back where they were before they almost destroyed themselves.

it's not that i don't want better for them anymore, i still do. but all of that really tore me apart little by little. was i doing something wrong? was i just not good enough? no, that wasn't it. however, it took me years to realize that..

i can change the world without killing myself one piece at a time.

They Tell Me that You Never Sleep too Soundly, that You Might have even Missed Me, More Times than You can Count.

songs sit on repeat for reasons. you don't just like a song for no reason. you like a song for the beat or the melody or the lyrics. but the ones that remain on repeat for hours, days, weeks? they hold deeper purpose.
it's helping me sort out conflicts (i know it sounds farfetched).. you see, i've been trying to let go of people, of circumstances, of things i just can't keep saving. 

i've decided what i want: i want consistant. i want comfortable. i want someone who i can just cuddle on the couch and read with while they do paperwork. 
i don't want someone who treats me like i'm fragile or girly. i want to play video games and wrestle and go on hikes. i want to be seen as beautiful for who i am, not what they want to turn me into.
i don't want them to do things out of obligation, i want a spontaneous good morning text because they dreamt about me, but i don't want it to be a sick requirement. i don't want to sit on the phone for hours everyday like a routine and make them feel guilty if they don't have the time. all i want is to be able to send a text at the end of the day that says, "well, i survived another day" and to get  a reply that says "hah, me too."
i want a love with passion that isn't forced with a person who isn't just like me. i want to be able to go off and do my own thing and have them do theirs. and at the end of the day, i want to want to return to them. 
i just want to be understood and not feel like i need to constantly impress someone. i have friends who treat me that way, it just doesn't feel like enough anymore. it makes me content, keeps me silent. but it doesn't make me happy.
i think the biggest part of it is i want someone who trusts me and doesn't get jealous. i'm not asking for perfection, some jealousy is natural, but so many men have tried to cage me. i need to be free and wild, as i am now. but i want them to know that i'm so caught up in who they are that everyone else doesn't even matter. i want them to, on some level, understand that.

i want to settle down without settling.

It's a Problem that Our Choices Choose the Wrong Ones. That's Probably the Reason We're Afraid We'll Die Alone.

i saw him for the first time since last summer and it was exciting. he was he and i was i and together we still fit like we used to. it was simple, familiar. something so comfortable. the kind of friendship most yearn for. i think it may always be that way; a fact that i selfishly take for granted.
we get lost in each other.. so wrapped up in trying to remember, trying to continue on as if we had never fallen out of step in the first place, that we lose the rest of the world. to everyone else at that party, we must have seemed in love. we must have seemed as if we belonged in each other's arms. and i suppose, on the one hand, they wouldn't be wrong because there was certainly love there. just not the kind they were seeing. we had our own way of loving each other, a secret way almost. one that no one could quite understand besides us.
not for one second did i forget about our onlookers, i just didn't realize how they would see us. never would i have thought that my boy would see this friendship as a threat, but as the night went on i saw it on his face. the way he studied our reactions, our chemistry. i cringed, shifting away from my friend remembering that i wanted this boy as my future.

but it was too late, the damage was done..

we laid there giggling, remembering, while the world moved past us at warp speed. and although i missed the past, i wanted very much to be a part of my future instead of stuck in those memories.