But Not Me, I Wanna be the One in the Sun..

there's a sudden force onto your chest as the breath gushes out of your lungs and into the air around you. it's like a hollowing out process..


people say they want to be set free. they say they feel trapped by the past but they do nothing to break the chains. they hear the familiar calls, the whisperings in their ear and go rushing back. they want to be free almost as badly as you want to be rid of them.
all fallacies, all useless mutterings that no one really means.


but if you did mean it, you would know that the hollowing out, the slow and painful escape is the reminder that you're still alive. that you're not just a vessel you're something more; something beautiful. and when you breathe in that whole new gasp of air... well you know the rest.

Wait, Keep Me in Your Skin, Keep Me in Your Chest.

"I want to marry this boy."
that obnoxious line that swiftly finds it's way into my head because i feel like i'm getting older. i'm not sure what they do to get that line into my thoughts but it happens. fear not, it's somewhere equivalent to the "i hate you." line that people say when they're teasing. but deep down, i feel like i'm missing something these other couples find. like i'm not attracted to these men the way i should be and that could be because they're usually assholes.. but why? what is it about me that draws them quickly into my life and then sends me struggling to push them out? and why is it that i just can't look beyond the friendship of the boys that could be good for me?

'Cuz I Would be Free When You Wanted Me, if You Wanted Me.

and there it is, the moment where the shining knight turns into yet another awkward, insecure boy. it always happens, and i'm starting to think it's something insufficient in my brain, not their's. there's a point, it's somewhere between 2 and 3 months where suddenly the boy clings, something like a magnet onto my being. there's another point, also in the time frame, where i become oil quickly repulsed by the water i'm trying to be mixed with. it's not that i can't love you, i probably could, it's that i don't. and it's not that i enjoy doing this, it's that it happens every time. and i know that when it's right, it won't happen... or maybe i'm just trying to convince myself that's the case.

So I will Dance with Cinderella, while She is here in My Arms 'Cuz all too soon the Clock will Strike Midnight and She'll be Gone.

he takes care of me, even now. five years have almost passed and he still comes to visit. he stayed for a long time last night, just talking with me about nothing really. and then he complimented how much i've grown since he's last seen me. and told me how proud he is. is. not was, not could have been, is. and then he made me a peanut butter and banana sandwich. it was the best dream that i could ever ask for.

if you could come back, it would truly be the best kind of miracle.

Well, Maybe it's Me and My Blind Optimism to Blame.

they come back, in vibrant strides to look at me in those same ways i remember. and they place their palm softly on my cheek as they smile, eyes bright. and once they have me again; once they have as much of me as i ever willingly give another single soul, they drop me. kicking dirt hard into my face, shaking their head at my ability to trust.
my love disgusts them.

but every time i get back up. a little bruised, a little embarrassed and a little stronger.
come on, try and knock me down.

People are People and Sometimes We Change Our Minds.

i have fallen for a boy that i can't quite figure out. i'm bothered and confused and trying my best not to let my feelings get ahead of me. i don't want to hurt him, to steal anything from him that i can't promise i'll protect. he's the kind of boy that's never been in love, and to fall for a girl who lives and breathes change is dangerous.

i don't know how to make myself stay. it hurts.

I'm Up Against Your Open Door, You're on the Phone on the Floor.

there are those boys that you try to fall for with every ounce of your being. the ones that you fight and struggle to attract yourself to because of how wonderful they are; how wonderful they make you. but no matter how hard you try, how much that little voice in your head kicks and screams, you just can't. you know he's right, you know he's actually everything you've been looking for but something stops you. be it fear or just sheer stupidity; you absolutely refuse to fall.

i don't know what to do..
save yourself and run!

And I Know I've Said This all Before, but Opposite's Attract. We Try and Run Away but End up Running Back.

there comes a time when you just can't be where you are for any longer. maybe it's not literal, maybe it's something deeper. but when it happens, everything you do makes you feel trapped. moving forward, standing still, trying to force yourself into the past; it all seems useless. and sometimes, sometimes it is. sometimes you just have you wait for the right thing to happen, to come along and sweep you up into it's chaos. 
i haven't found it yet but i'll let you know.

Crash, Fall Down.

there were a lot of things that i wanted to say. and a lot of things i'm sure he wanted to hear. but when it came down to it, i couldn't save us. not alone anyway. that had to be something we both wanted. and he wanted it too, at least that's what i heard in his voice and saw in his eyes, he just didn't know how to save something so fragile to begin with. and who could blame him?

this world is a dangerous place and people get dropped to the floor every day, but that doesn't make it anything less than beautiful.

He says all the Right Things at Exactly the Right Time and He means Nothing to You and You don't know why.

it wasn't hard to understand when we finally got to talking. the honest truth is that he's wonderful. that he can make me smile in a heartbeat. that he's marvelous because he's comfortable with himself. that he finds me so beautiful that it makes me embarrassed. but in a good way.

Mmm What'cha say? That You only meant well? Well, of course You did.

you don't want to be friends, you're just afraid of being alone.... of actually feeling on your own.

i am not your stepping stone!
either hold on or move forward.

So let's Pretend it was Perfect, it was Worth it, and all is Good.

i'm feeling tired, and this time it's not just because the clock has reached single digits again for yet another night in a row. i was doing so well, being happy with life, with everything. being on my own, alone and strong. but i've fallen victim to this stinging belief in that four letter word once again. it's amazing how easily i can be conned into believing that they're telling the truth. it's amazing how overwhelmed i become with the idea of love. he wasn't wonderful, he wasn't special or shockingly beautiful yet there was something to the boy who fed me all those sweet words. sweet.... lies.. that word still leaves a taste on my tongue as it leaves my mouth.
it doesn't matter how many times i've been hurt, how often i've been lied to, cheated, and conned. i know he's out there... somewhere.

And Me, who is so Well Versed is Feeling so Damn Empty, is at a Loss for Words.

sometimes i wonder how people even find love.. like how do you know? how do you really know it's worth the struggle and it's not just some horridly cunning boy that knows just how to play his cards? i just don't get it. maybe it's because i haven't found "it" yet, whatever "it" is..
forget i mentioned even the faintest whispers of love.. it's nothing like it seemed at first glance.

I Have Died Everyday Waiting for You. Darling, Don't be Afraid I Have Loved You for a Thousand Years..

Maybe he's out there somewhere, looking out the window much like I have been today.
Maybe he misses me or perhaps he isn't thinking of me at all.
Maybe he's ready to come and find me because he's tired of waiting as well.
Maybe we've brushed past each other on a crowded street.
Maybe he's seen me and had to try not to stare.
Maybe our's eyes have locked and he's smiled at me.
Maybe I've smiled back.

But I won't know if I never put myself out there.