We Don't Have Much Room to Live.

i think i sleep when i'm sad. i don't sleep well or dream of some "better" place, i just sleep. it's like a stupor of exhaustion that i can't escape. it doesn't matter for how long or how often, i just keep wanting that place. my mind has mostly blocked the pain out. the loneliness. the grieving. i don't feel any of it anymore. but with it goes the passion. and the sociability. and all the happy moments.
the one thing that doesn't suffer is my art. it's true what they say you know, that artists draw from their strongest emotions. mine tend to stem from somewhere in the darkness. a relatively unbelieved place for me to exist.
but i go there.

oh yes, i have a long upstanding residency in the dark.

You made a Rebel of a Careless Man's Careful Daughter

it wasn't anything. it was what i wanted at the time and nothing more. i've become more spontaneous than i'm used to. i remember being cautious, careful being so caught up in life i forgot it involved living. i'm done with that now, i'm done waiting for the rain to wash away my problems. i am not broken, it took years of being broken to figure that out, but i've done it. more than that, i know that i don't need you to assure me of my worth. i will not become worthless if you deem me so. i have learned to love myself, and i have you to thank for that.

if love was simple, we would all have it. if being in love was simple, no one would put any fight into it.

But if You Loved Me then why'd You Leave Me? Take My Body. Take My Body!

as i sit here waiting for the fire to go out and my exhaustion to sink in, my mind's gone to those dark, dangerous places. the places where i feel like i'm going no where, fast. i feel lost and i'm starting to settle in the havoc. it's a loneliness i don't think i've ever let anyone truly see. sure, i may talk about feeling alone, but the depths of it... i don't think i've ever explained how deep in the pit of my aching body it sits. it feels like someone's reached up underneath my ribcage and grabbed a thick fist of my soul and while they drag it down into my stomach i choke and drown.

maybe that doesn't make any sense at all, feelings rarely do.

now there's fire everywhere and i wonder where you begin and i end?