Am I Losing My Mind when I'm Telling You I was an Accident? I've got to do Something Quick.

i am not lost. 

just because i am not doing things the way you did them, the way the world does them, that doesn't make me lost. it doesn't make me troubled or going in the wrong direction. i am not doing this as a cry for attention or to beg for you to show me what to be. i know who i want to be. moreover, i know who i am and where i want to end up.

i've always thought that maybe my brain didn't work exactly like all the others. and for the longest time i tried to cover my tracks and follow some sort of form for the way everything must be done. maybe it's time i stopped doing that. maybe i should do things in my order, my own way. stop fearing for my good reputation.

okay, so maybe i don't know exactly what i'm doing. perhaps i'm walking around in the dark with my arms outstretched, praying that i stumble across the right path.

...because maybe it's not all about getting out, maybe it's about the things you stumble upon along the way.

Here I am Waiting, I'll have to Leave Soon. Why am I Holding on?

i deleted your number today.
and that may sound childish. it may sound absolutely absurd, but i felt accomplished.
i realize that this doesn't mean you'll simply disappear. it doesn't mean that i'm rid of your memory and that you'll never haunt my sleep. i might still remember you for another 7 years, or 10, or for the rest of my life. but there's this slim chance that i'll break your hold on me.
when i said i was done, i wanted to mean it more than anything else i've ever said before. i wanted it to echo darkly in your soul. i wanted you to feel hollow and abandoned the second the words left my lips. but i'm realistic, i know that didn't happen. i'm sure you didn't even feel it.
but it wasn't for you. none of this was done for you. it wasn't meant to destroy you, it was done for my benefit.
This Was Meant For Me.
i think you broke a part of me. and for so long i was trying to tape it back together. yearning to cover up my shame. because i was so sure that being broken by someone was something to be ashamed of.
i was wrong.

I'm Falling More in Love with Every Single Word I Withhold.

i wonder about my first love, my best friend. did he know i meant it when i said i loved him. did he cry like i did when i told him he shouldn't be dating her. has he cried every time i've said that it should be me. did he listen or care. was i his back-up or was he just afraid he would lose me if he made a mistake.

i wonder about the one who didn't feel.

i wonder about the boy with the blue eyes and tangled tongue. is he still following his path with strength? i wonder if he's found that happiness i used to find when i was with him. i wonder if he feels accomplished in all that he's done, all that he plans to do. i wonder if Korea is treating him well and if he's oozing with stories to bring home to me. i wonder if this place will feel like home to him anymore. i wonder if he'll ever even return. i wonder if he remembers the promise he made me, because i do.

i wonder about the one with the surfer hair, who swore he would know God if he ever saw Him walking on the street. i wonder if he has ever kissed a girl yet or if he's even tried. i wonder if he learned true faith and how to accept death. i wonder if he's even come to see death with his own eyes. i wonder if life has left him unjaded and naive.

i wonder about the one who named me beautiful. i wonder how he's been. if he ever thinks of me and if we could have, should have, happened. i wonder if he knows that he was the first person who had ever called me that. i wonder if he could see on my face how awkward i was and how sad i felt.

i wonder about the one who sang me lullabies. the one that wrote songs in his sleep and forever spoke in lyrics. i wonder if he's missed me against his piano, humming along as i sketched. has he found someone new to charm him and bring about his smile?

i wonder about the confused one who loved me at the right time. i wonder if he's found new happiness in another love. i wonder if he really could ever have loved me in the first place. i wonder if when he kissed me, he truly felt something, or if those were just words.

i wonder about the one with the hair.

i wonder about the artist. i heard that he was happy with a new girl and that made me smile. was he all in my head. or should i have just reached out and grabbed hold of his heart. would we both be better off this way, in worlds far apart.

i wonder about the one from that bar that won me over with a word. i wonder if he makes up stories about his life or if he was honest. i wonder if he really wanted to take me on that date. i wonder if i should have given him a chance--- moreover i wonder if he wanted one. i wonder if he knew that taking him home was unlike me, or if he even cared. did he do that often with other girls and if he did, would it have mattered.

i wonder about the one who had never known how to love. i wonder if he knew why i refused to be his first. i wonder if he hates me for it.

i wonder about the one who loved me right at the wrong time. i wonder if there would have ever been a right time. i wonder if he will find someone new that will treat him as i did. i wonder if he'll be as comfortable with her as he was with me.

i wonder about the late night greeter. i wonder if he got bored of how little i felt. i wonder if my words scared him away. i wonder if he could ever just be friends with me--- because i'd like that.

i wonder about the one who seems unsure. i wonder if he ever thought of loving me. i wonder if he would. i wonder if when i'm gone he misses me and if he would ever tell me that. i wonder if he talks about me to his mother and if she can tell. i wonder if his brother ever teases him about the way he stares at me when i come over. i wonder if his brother has ever told him no. i wonder if it meant as much to him as it did to me and if he held my hand long after i'd fallen asleep. would he ever mention it to anyone and would they judge him about it. i wonder if he wants to protect me--- or if those were just lines. i wonder if he really watched over me that one night, and thought of all the secrets he wanted to spill from his mouth. i wonder if he whispered them to me and that was why my dreams were so calming that night. i wonder if i said his name in my sleep and it made him smile. i wonder if he knows i want to make him smile for the rest of my life.


i read this today, http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/wonder-about-them-all-the-time/ (yes, that's your cue to read it), and decided that i wanted to write something like it myself.

'Cause all too soon the Clock will Strike Midnight and She'll be Gone.

i dreamt about him last night, it's like he felt my anxiety attacking my body and came racing to the rescue, just like he used to.
i jumped into his arms and kissed him on the cheek, "oh how i missed you!"
he laughed, "hi princess, you look good"
i introduced him to everyone he'd never met and told him all the secrets that i've needed to share with someone who would help me.

it's not that i ever wish you weren't here, but i don't miss you the way i did when you first died. the pain's numbed over in a way that keeps me functioning. i make a mental note of all the things i want to share with you and somehow hope they reach your ears.

know that i love you. always.

Something 'bout the Way He Moves.

"Love---

I used to think it was the act of being in love that was so profound. But that’s not really true at all. It’s the act of falling. That violent stumble that forces you in sync with another human being. As beautiful as love it, without that fall, I feel it isn’t enough. Maybe it’s just me, maybe it’s that I haven’t been in love long enough to prove the theory wrong. But that moment when you realize that whatever you may have had, whatever you thought you were doing right before them, doesn’t feel like fully living anymore… well that’s the moment that makes everything else worth it. The fights, the distance, the sheer lack of sanity; it all seems almost miniscule. Almost okay."

i found this from an old blog i used to have. i've long since forgotten the password not to mention the stories and the posts. but looking through it all made me nostalgic. and this one really stood out to me.. so i wanted to share it with all of you.

As You Quietly Let Yourself Out.

it been 9 years since i've last seen you. since i really truly looked at you; studied every portion of your face from the flecks in your eyes to the scruff you left on your face in the morning.
you visited me in my sleep last night and i said "you look exactly the same" as i awkwardly hugged the person that broke my heart in half. the rest of my past merely infected the wound, but you, oh you just opened it up to the entire world. i turned beat red from the expression on your face; as you tried to figure out how you could have ended up in the vicinity of my voice, my eyes. how after all these years, my mind would still let you escape that dark place i locked you away in. (you have the drugs for this retched illness to blame that on.)
after all this time i don't blame you, i know that his death scared you. you thought that i would just come undone and maybe at one point i had.

but i would appreciate it if you didn't come back here.
my dreams have no place for you anymore, conscious or not.

To Those Who are Concerned:

i want you all to understand something: i am not who you think i am. 

it's quite clear to me that a few of you seem to think i am someone you know, trust me, i am not. i could give you details of my life that would not match up to anyone else. you can ask me about such things, if you would like, but i do insist on my anonymity and ask you to respect that.

i like that everyone is curious as to get to know me and see the world through my eyes, but this is my place. this is my place to express how i feel when situations arise and to think things through without hurting those i love. i am letting you all in in a way that my loved ones have begged to hear but i cannot yet share.

so ask me, i'm dying to hear what you can come up with.

This is the Starting of My Greatest Fear, I'm all Packed up and getting Out of Here and then You Call and Tell Me Not to Go..

i've never been sure of how to speak up. how to say something before it's too late and usually that bites me in the ass..

our circumstance isn't right. it's not that we're dating other people or anything but it's just so complicated... i can't believe that love has been this complicated for so long. when did it become so challenging to speak up and express yourself? when did words seem to not be enough and just make everything worse? if this had always been going on, no one would have ever admitted to love and fallen in the first place.
how do you say something when you're so sure it will ruin everything? how do you live with the "what if's" if you choose not to?
maybe it's too soon, maybe it's not right. but maybe he's just as scared as i am.

And We are Changing Our Ways, taking Different Roads.

the song has begun to settle down into the back of my memory. it's still very much there when situations arise, but i've really solved a lot.

i've accepted that there are things i cannot change. people i cannot change.
and realized maybe i need to just separate from those circumstances.

i'm laying my superman complex down, realizing that maybe i just need to stop trying to save the world one person at a time. especially when it's clear they don't want to be saved. it feels like shooing insects away from an open flame; they become disoriented and end up right back where they were before they almost destroyed themselves.

it's not that i don't want better for them anymore, i still do. but all of that really tore me apart little by little. was i doing something wrong? was i just not good enough? no, that wasn't it. however, it took me years to realize that..

i can change the world without killing myself one piece at a time.

They Tell Me that You Never Sleep too Soundly, that You Might have even Missed Me, More Times than You can Count.

songs sit on repeat for reasons. you don't just like a song for no reason. you like a song for the beat or the melody or the lyrics. but the ones that remain on repeat for hours, days, weeks? they hold deeper purpose.
it's helping me sort out conflicts (i know it sounds farfetched).. you see, i've been trying to let go of people, of circumstances, of things i just can't keep saving. 

i've decided what i want: i want consistant. i want comfortable. i want someone who i can just cuddle on the couch and read with while they do paperwork. 
i don't want someone who treats me like i'm fragile or girly. i want to play video games and wrestle and go on hikes. i want to be seen as beautiful for who i am, not what they want to turn me into.
i don't want them to do things out of obligation, i want a spontaneous good morning text because they dreamt about me, but i don't want it to be a sick requirement. i don't want to sit on the phone for hours everyday like a routine and make them feel guilty if they don't have the time. all i want is to be able to send a text at the end of the day that says, "well, i survived another day" and to get  a reply that says "hah, me too."
i want a love with passion that isn't forced with a person who isn't just like me. i want to be able to go off and do my own thing and have them do theirs. and at the end of the day, i want to want to return to them. 
i just want to be understood and not feel like i need to constantly impress someone. i have friends who treat me that way, it just doesn't feel like enough anymore. it makes me content, keeps me silent. but it doesn't make me happy.
i think the biggest part of it is i want someone who trusts me and doesn't get jealous. i'm not asking for perfection, some jealousy is natural, but so many men have tried to cage me. i need to be free and wild, as i am now. but i want them to know that i'm so caught up in who they are that everyone else doesn't even matter. i want them to, on some level, understand that.

i want to settle down without settling.

It's a Problem that Our Choices Choose the Wrong Ones. That's Probably the Reason We're Afraid We'll Die Alone.

i saw him for the first time since last summer and it was exciting. he was he and i was i and together we still fit like we used to. it was simple, familiar. something so comfortable. the kind of friendship most yearn for. i think it may always be that way; a fact that i selfishly take for granted.
we get lost in each other.. so wrapped up in trying to remember, trying to continue on as if we had never fallen out of step in the first place, that we lose the rest of the world. to everyone else at that party, we must have seemed in love. we must have seemed as if we belonged in each other's arms. and i suppose, on the one hand, they wouldn't be wrong because there was certainly love there. just not the kind they were seeing. we had our own way of loving each other, a secret way almost. one that no one could quite understand besides us.
not for one second did i forget about our onlookers, i just didn't realize how they would see us. never would i have thought that my boy would see this friendship as a threat, but as the night went on i saw it on his face. the way he studied our reactions, our chemistry. i cringed, shifting away from my friend remembering that i wanted this boy as my future.

but it was too late, the damage was done..

we laid there giggling, remembering, while the world moved past us at warp speed. and although i missed the past, i wanted very much to be a part of my future instead of stuck in those memories.