I can't Steal His Heart, but I can Steal back Mine.

people astound me and not in that positive, fascinating way. it's usually more of a searing, disjointed pain. of course, people don't say things to merely get a rise out of me, that's an immature thought process. but somethings.. well you just shouldn't share; at least not with the girl you were kneeling in front of 2 weeks before.
okay, so we were drinking, and obviously the proposal was somewhat of a joke. but this conversation we're having now is destroying me. i know in the end i'll survive, but you fought for this to happen,for us to happen, for years and now it's all ruined. you may love me and i may love you, but i won't give you a chance now that i know how many girls you've been sleeping with. call me a child if you must, but college doesn't give you a "get out of jail free" card. partying doesn't excuse responsibility.

like i said, somethings just shouldn't be discussed.

But You didn't Have to Cut Me Off Make Out like it Never Happened and that We were Nothing.

"Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over

But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say

You said that you could let it go"

our fighting was useless wasn't it? i look back and i really don't know why we fought. ever. we never got anywhere with it, and neither of us ever had a point in all of it. i remember when we reached that point where i literally would just start screaming because i felt like i'd lose myself if i didn't. unhealthy. you know, i never reached that point with anyone but you. and although i used to swear that it wasn't your fault, i'm realizing it was because of you. why did i hold on to someone who abused me that badly? why do i still even speak to you? because sometimes you can be mildly friendly? nonsensical. i don't know who i was. i just know that i held onto you so that i had a tangible piece of my past, just in case it all slipped through my fingers. i had this unjust theory that all of it would disappear in a haze one morning. i wanted to save you on a shelf for the rest of my life, even if i didn't love you. or want to love you. or plan to love you. and that was where i came into the blame. that's the one thing i'm truly sorry for, not really ever loving you but knowing how to act as if i did. it was cold and fruitless. i'm sorry.

"So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over"

Oh Velocity Girl, I can't keep up with You.

i'm searching for this boy; his name is a bit of a blur in my head. i haven't seen him in what seems like lifetimes. we connected once, but he felt so distance through the pixels. when i reached for his face, i was shot with the unsettling flatness of a brightly lit screen. i'm not sure where he's ran, and i'm not sure i wish to chase him at any rate. i just wish he could read these words and know that i was with him. wishing him well and hoping he found that girl he so prayed i was.

Even the Things that seem Still are still Changing

my first day of college, i walked on campus and saw this boy. you know, those people that you kind of gawk at? not in a rude way; just because you can't help yourself. i thought i'd never see him again, no big deal. wrong. he just so happened to be everywhere i was. maybe it was to get me to notice him or maybe it's because i knew his face, i don't know. but he had this way of catching me off guard and unnerving me.

once the spring hit, i had a tendency to sit on top of this hill near the edge of one of my buildings on campus. i would bring out my laptop, hook up my headphones and listen to music while writing up papers or doing assignments. i remember the teal shirt i was wearing and those awful jeans. i remember just having gotten bangs and letting my hair sail down from the clip and be picked up by the wind. that one faithful day he trudged up the hill and just plopped down next to me. i looked around seeing if it was me he was staring at and realized i was the only person on the hill, aside from him. my awkward gawking lasted a few seconds before he offered a "hey" and began to talk to me. i unwillingly took out my headphones, knowing this was some game. some strange, twisted daydream i would wake from if my music stopped. but stop it did, and he was still in front of me. we talked for what seemed like forever yet only seconds at the same time. finally he stood, dusted off his jeans and prepared to trudge back the way he came. he stopped to turn to me, "by the way, i'm ___." he paused waiting for me to return the gesture. "oh, i'm ___." he smiled, shaking my hand. "i umm came up here because you looked like someone i knew." i laughed, finally gaining my confidence, "let's not pretend you thought i was someone else." he flushed "well, you're much prettier than emily actually."

the semesters rolled by and still he was everywhere; some days less acknowledged then others, but present all the same. eventually he went on to exist outside of campus: around my town, outside of my job, at the mall, at the movies. it was like seeing a teacher out of the classroom; unnerving. we would glance at each other, sometimes stare even but never approach; never acknowledge with a nod or smile.

today i walked into the shoprite near my job after a long day of work and wandered aimlessly from one aisle to the next gathering the food written on my list; dancing a little bit to whatever song came on shuffle. it's a usual routine, so usual in fact that i know exactly where everything is and get it in the same order every other week: through the produce, down the juice aisle, up the cereal aisle, along the fresh meat, down the pasta aisle and so on until i reach the end of the store; dairy. i wobble a little as i turn the cart in my unrealistically high black heels. i'm mouthing the words to "savior" and probably making an ass of myself, but at 9PM i hardly care. i glance up and meet the eyes of someone down the end of the aisle dressed up in a nice shirt and tie. he was obviously smirking at my performance. i felt my head cock to the side and my forehead furrow trying to place the face i was looking at. it clicked and i felt my face flush with color. i felt betrayed, like my sanctuary (yes, that's right, shoprite is my sanctuary!) had been invaded. why did he have to be everywhere i was? everywhere i didn't want him to be? i shook the thought from my mind and looked towards the shelves, reaching for what i needed and beginning to mouth lyrics again. i felt his eyes bore into my head.
food shopping is a quick swing for me, 30 minutes and done but not today, no of course not. not the one day that i'm itching to run in the opposite direction. i was approached by a cashier while in the self check out lane... two in fact, but i digress. the second wondered if he could ask me for some advice. i smiled, paused my music and nodded. he went on to talk about his relationship, all the while i saw the boy all dressed in his tie through the reflection in the window i was facing. why did he have to pick that aisle to stock? why did he have to be so close that i could watch him staring? my body tensed but i listened all the same, trying my best to avoid the feeling of being watched. 20 minutes passed, then 30 and still i stood facing away from the aisle he worked in, glancing over my shoulder every opportunity i could find while still looking natural.

i don't make him nervous, not nearly as nervous as he makes me. if i do, he composes himself with such grace it's appalling.

And How can I Stand here with You, and not be Moved by You?

she asked me about you last night. asked why we did this to ourselves so willingly. it was strange, having someone from the outside ask me about us.
"is it like there's something there? something more than just the friendship?"
i smiled and shrugged, "i mean, i guess."
"well could you see it going somewhere? could you see the future in it?"
i laughed and thought back to the first day i met you, about 8 years ago. you were this tiny, meek little boy and i was so stoic and unreadable. and then i flashed forward to the time we had to work on a project at my house. how you looked when my father answered the door; the change in your face when you saw me peak out from behind him. i thought of our fights and our shared pain. i thought of all our slow songs; you in your suits and me in my dresses twirling in circles, laughing about secrets and sighing that the songs ended much too soon. and then i was stabbed with a memory i tried hard to avoid, of my dad right before he passed. he smiled at me weakly and laughed a hardy laugh that shouldn't belong to such a body. "you're going to marry him you know." 
i laughed, "you haven't even met him yet!"
he shook his head. "not that boy, him."
i crossed my arms and rolled my eyes, "mhmm, sure dad."
"you wait, you'll see."
it's been 5 years since then and only now can i really appreciate those words. the memory faded and i returned to the girl i was standing next to outside of the house.
"well, could you?"
i smiled fighting back a tear from the memory, knowing she'd feel bad if she saw it. i nodded, afraid my voice would betray me and smirked.
she laughed and clapped her hands together, "you know, i could see that too," she replied as if she heard my thoughts.

maybe there's someone else out there for both of us. or maybe we're just waiting until we're both ready. as the days turn into years we really have grown.
...but is that enough?

And You don't Miss a Thing 'til You Cry when You're Driving Away in the Dark.

“It happens, baby." Dad nodded and patted me on the hand, and then he read my mind. "You forget all of it anyway. First, you forget everything you learned - the dates of the Hay-Herran Treaty and the Pythagorean Theorem. You especially forget everything you didn't really learn, but just memorized the night before. You forget the names of all but one or two of your teachers, and eventually you'll forget those, too. You forget your junior class schedule and where you used to sit and your best friend's home phone number and the lyrics to that song you must have played a million times. For me, it was something by Simon & Garfunkel. Who knows what it will be for you? And eventually, but slowly, oh so slowly, you forget your humiliations - even the ones that seemed indelible just fade away. You forget who was cool and who was not, who was pretty, smart, and athletic, and not. Who went to a good college. Who threw the best parties. Who could get you pot. You forget all of them. Even the ones you said you loved, and even the ones you actually did. They're the last to go. And then once you've forgotten enough, you love someone else.” 
― Gabrielle Zevin, Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac

there was something right about this. something beautifully chaotic yet pleasantly settling. like everything of the past is set in shale rather than cement. and that you can carry it with you if you so choose, but even those memories will one day fade. when they're actually gone, i won't miss them. but the process of leaving them behind leaves bruises and scars i'd rather not acknowledge. when did this happen? when did life... begin?