Now I'm Bound by the Life You Left Behind. Your Face it Haunts My Once Pleasant Dreams.

the truth was, i never really learned how to go about living without you. i didn't teach myself, the way i did with all the others, to let you go. i honestly don't think i even bothered trying. i didn't want to. i wanted to believe that you would come back in grand strides and sweep me up into your arms and that would be the end of it. no more sad songs, no more bad dreams.
i still see things that remind me of the stories you told and rush to find you. i still want to bury myself behind you when i cry or i'm afraid. i still want all the things you promised me, with you and only you.
so now i'm just haunted.

I'm Glad that You can Forgive, Only Hoping as Time Goes, You can Forget.

the number one reason why i don't have girl friends:
i don't understand them.

i don't understand why a girl can break up with a boy and date another boy and still hold claims to every ex she's ever had. to make matters worse, i don't understand the girls that stake claims on anyone they've ever had sex with. because let's be fair, if they're doing that, they've probably been with a lot of them. i don't understand hurt feelings and betrayal and everything else that goes with "no, he was mine!"

i am not the possessive type. and i'd like to say that it's because i'm just the most wonderful person in existence  but if we're being honest, i just don't care. part of me knows that if they weren't happy with me, they shouldn't stay and although my every wish is for them to be mine, they aren't. and maybe, just maybe, i wasn't right for them, but someone else just might be.

my exes have dated friends, best friends, close friends, girls i considered sisters. and you know the one main thing i've learned from that? that someone besides myself was better for them. because that someone really could make that silly boy, that always seemed to be in pain, smile. but why would anyone else be realistic and think that way?

people dont belong to people and that's something i stand firmly behind. i don't like possessive human beings, no matter the context.

Setting Fire to Our Insides for Fun.

i wanted him for who he wasn't.
i wanted him because he didn't make my heart flutter, and his words were simply a dime a dozen.
i wanted him for his smile and his eyes and the way he brushed the hair from his face because, to me, it was all unremarkable.
i wanted something that wouldn't send shivers up and down my spine.
i wanted someone whose words made me smirk and then dissipated just as quickly.
i wanted someone i wouldn't want to hold onto, so that when he left, i left.
i wanted him because i knew he couldn't make me cry because no matter what he did, 

he wasn't you. 

he would never have my heart and i knew that the second he said my name.

Baby, I Hate It.

today, i looked myself in the eye and asked "is this even worth it?"
should i keep holding my breath and wait for it all to drop? should i keep my mouth shut? because some good that seems to be doing.
eventually you have to realize that people don't talk to same way you do. they don't think, feel, cope, understand in the same depths. perhaps he meant well. and maybe he would return, somewhere farther down the line. but i couldn't hope forever, could i?
i couldn't keep convincing my body that it should wait for a promise that may never come. i needed to move on, to continue with life and know that for one single month i knew what happiness was. and that that was all about to end. i needed to inhale the pain sharply and know that exhaling may feel like daggers until i was myself again. alone again. disconnected from that part of the human experience.

There's Something About Her...

i wouldn't wait for him to come rescue me out of this life. i didn't need saving. i never had. i wasn't the damsel in distress type. if i was, he would have never wanted me so badly in the first place. i knew my place in this world, and i wasn't afraid. i don't really remember the last time i was afraid of anything that had to do with life. living i could do. alone, together, connected. i could do all of that.

my problem was convincing myself that i did need someone. that needing someone was a woman's job. it's ridiculous and untrue (i'm quite aware of that) but my independence seemed to be becoming more and more outlandish with each passing day. and i began to think that it was what was doing me in--- keeping me (dare i say...) single.

obviously, i talked myself out of that one. 

Even Angels have their Wicked Schemes, but You take that to New Extremes.

my newsfeed has become a graveyard:

to all the things you used to spend the time telling me.
to all the words i want to say to you, but can't. because for some reason we aren't talking.
to all the moments that break my heart because you made me love you.

you did this for your own enjoyment.

i won't take back the things i said, because i meant them.

and i won't walk away because i promised you i wouldn't.

and unlike you, i keep my promises.

Wake Up. Look Me in the Eyes Again.

i know it's not my job to fix you. and it's not like i believe you're broken. i don't. but you look like you are. it's as if your soul is shattering slowly behind your eyes, and i can see it. i can hear it in your voice as it wavers on the other line. and i just want to pick up the pieces and put you back together again. i want to hold you in a way that proves i'm staying right here. i want to convince you that i won't run, because during my weakest moments you swore you'd chase me.
but i can't fix what's not broken.
and i don't want to change you.


i love you for exactly who you are. body and soul. words and thoughts. good and bad.