I'm Falling More in Love with Every Single Word I Withhold.

i wonder about my first love, my best friend. did he know i meant it when i said i loved him. did he cry like i did when i told him he shouldn't be dating her. has he cried every time i've said that it should be me. did he listen or care. was i his back-up or was he just afraid he would lose me if he made a mistake.

i wonder about the one who didn't feel.

i wonder about the boy with the blue eyes and tangled tongue. is he still following his path with strength? i wonder if he's found that happiness i used to find when i was with him. i wonder if he feels accomplished in all that he's done, all that he plans to do. i wonder if Korea is treating him well and if he's oozing with stories to bring home to me. i wonder if this place will feel like home to him anymore. i wonder if he'll ever even return. i wonder if he remembers the promise he made me, because i do.

i wonder about the one with the surfer hair, who swore he would know God if he ever saw Him walking on the street. i wonder if he has ever kissed a girl yet or if he's even tried. i wonder if he learned true faith and how to accept death. i wonder if he's even come to see death with his own eyes. i wonder if life has left him unjaded and naive.

i wonder about the one who named me beautiful. i wonder how he's been. if he ever thinks of me and if we could have, should have, happened. i wonder if he knows that he was the first person who had ever called me that. i wonder if he could see on my face how awkward i was and how sad i felt.

i wonder about the one who sang me lullabies. the one that wrote songs in his sleep and forever spoke in lyrics. i wonder if he's missed me against his piano, humming along as i sketched. has he found someone new to charm him and bring about his smile?

i wonder about the confused one who loved me at the right time. i wonder if he's found new happiness in another love. i wonder if he really could ever have loved me in the first place. i wonder if when he kissed me, he truly felt something, or if those were just words.

i wonder about the one with the hair.

i wonder about the artist. i heard that he was happy with a new girl and that made me smile. was he all in my head. or should i have just reached out and grabbed hold of his heart. would we both be better off this way, in worlds far apart.

i wonder about the one from that bar that won me over with a word. i wonder if he makes up stories about his life or if he was honest. i wonder if he really wanted to take me on that date. i wonder if i should have given him a chance--- moreover i wonder if he wanted one. i wonder if he knew that taking him home was unlike me, or if he even cared. did he do that often with other girls and if he did, would it have mattered.

i wonder about the one who had never known how to love. i wonder if he knew why i refused to be his first. i wonder if he hates me for it.

i wonder about the one who loved me right at the wrong time. i wonder if there would have ever been a right time. i wonder if he will find someone new that will treat him as i did. i wonder if he'll be as comfortable with her as he was with me.

i wonder about the late night greeter. i wonder if he got bored of how little i felt. i wonder if my words scared him away. i wonder if he could ever just be friends with me--- because i'd like that.

i wonder about the one who seems unsure. i wonder if he ever thought of loving me. i wonder if he would. i wonder if when i'm gone he misses me and if he would ever tell me that. i wonder if he talks about me to his mother and if she can tell. i wonder if his brother ever teases him about the way he stares at me when i come over. i wonder if his brother has ever told him no. i wonder if it meant as much to him as it did to me and if he held my hand long after i'd fallen asleep. would he ever mention it to anyone and would they judge him about it. i wonder if he wants to protect me--- or if those were just lines. i wonder if he really watched over me that one night, and thought of all the secrets he wanted to spill from his mouth. i wonder if he whispered them to me and that was why my dreams were so calming that night. i wonder if i said his name in my sleep and it made him smile. i wonder if he knows i want to make him smile for the rest of my life.


i read this today, http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/wonder-about-them-all-the-time/ (yes, that's your cue to read it), and decided that i wanted to write something like it myself.

You made a Rebel of a Careless Man's Careful Daughter

it wasn't anything. it was what i wanted at the time and nothing more. i've become more spontaneous than i'm used to. i remember being cautious, careful being so caught up in life i forgot it involved living. i'm done with that now, i'm done waiting for the rain to wash away my problems. i am not broken, it took years of being broken to figure that out, but i've done it. more than that, i know that i don't need you to assure me of my worth. i will not become worthless if you deem me so. i have learned to love myself, and i have you to thank for that.

if love was simple, we would all have it. if being in love was simple, no one would put any fight into it.

And You Want Her but She's so Mean. But You Never Let Her Go. Why don't You Let Her Go?

this is the routine. and by now i've learned to guard my heart for all it's worth and just go with it. i know you don't love me, but i know that more than anything you want to. i can see that you're trying. but why are you trying is the question... do you desperate want love or my love? or are you just so alone that you need someone, anyone? i like you, and the first time this happened you rushed into something and i dragged behind somewhere in the distance. when we stopped, it didn't hurt, it just... well it ended. so this time around i knew what would happen, because you so easily push yourself into love without being in love.
so that's what this will be, loveless love, all the feelings without the knots. 

I will Love You in My Own Way. I will Love You Better.

the best relationship i'd ever forced myself to have was with a boy i'd known for years, but never really knew. i couldn't tell you how it worked for as long as it did, but it was as close to perfect as i've ever gotten. the flaw was that we loved, we just weren't in love. in the end, he grew tired and i grew bored. we grew apart, that was really it. it wasn't messy or painful, one day it was just over and we both knew it. we both accepted it.
but i digress, the point of this was to help you understand..
the relationship itself was nothing special. it wasn't like we confided in one another or shared our lives, we just shared this spark. this incredible, unexplainable flame. the reason for its perfection was found in the way he looked at me. the way that his eyes would take all of me in and willingly hold onto it. it made me more passionate; wilder. i could actually see myself for the beautiful person i was.
that is why the relationship was perfect because i walked away from it pieced together. i walked away, head held high and confident. as did he.

i just needed the sun to help me bloom.

Crash, Fall Down.

there were a lot of things that i wanted to say. and a lot of things i'm sure he wanted to hear. but when it came down to it, i couldn't save us. not alone anyway. that had to be something we both wanted. and he wanted it too, at least that's what i heard in his voice and saw in his eyes, he just didn't know how to save something so fragile to begin with. and who could blame him?

this world is a dangerous place and people get dropped to the floor every day, but that doesn't make it anything less than beautiful.

Mmm What'cha say? That You only meant well? Well, of course You did.

you don't want to be friends, you're just afraid of being alone.... of actually feeling on your own.

i am not your stepping stone!
either hold on or move forward.

So let's Pretend it was Perfect, it was Worth it, and all is Good.

i'm feeling tired, and this time it's not just because the clock has reached single digits again for yet another night in a row. i was doing so well, being happy with life, with everything. being on my own, alone and strong. but i've fallen victim to this stinging belief in that four letter word once again. it's amazing how easily i can be conned into believing that they're telling the truth. it's amazing how overwhelmed i become with the idea of love. he wasn't wonderful, he wasn't special or shockingly beautiful yet there was something to the boy who fed me all those sweet words. sweet.... lies.. that word still leaves a taste on my tongue as it leaves my mouth.
it doesn't matter how many times i've been hurt, how often i've been lied to, cheated, and conned. i know he's out there... somewhere.

Sometimes I'm Bold and Brash, Sometimes I'm Prone to Crash.

i sit back and think: God, how did i make those eyes sparkle once? or how was it possible that you would groan about having my face on the other end of the computer screen rather than next to you? how was it possible that you made my day with a stupid text, or a call, or that laugh that still rings in my ears? how can the image of your smile still makes me blush?
i fell in love beautifully, that doesn't just go away.
despite the other dates, the other boys, the silly stories that show up on our feed.. they aren't you.
i will never regret sharing the thing i love the most with you, i will never regret that night under the stars. even if one day i grow to regret you..

Write a Letter to my Love, Well I was Almost Honest..

boys forget things, boys forget things all the time. and that's acceptable, because girls forget things too. remembering a silly date isn't really a problem, it's that it feels like the last straw after a long line of problems. the real problem is that he didn't say goodbye. it was almost as if he didn't want to say goodbye... truthfully, it irks me.. and as open as we seem to be about everything, i can't bring myself to say it. because this is one of those things that doesn't just annoy me, it hurts me. it rips open a seam that i've had to stitch up time and time again. and every time he does something that reminds me of past experiences, i build up another 6 feet of barriers. i don't want to be guarded anymore. and with him, i didn't think i needed to be..
but i'm even starting to doubt myself on that..

"My reflection
In the window when I ride
Could not save us
But I swear to God I tried


Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

I was almost honest
But I was almost honest
Cause I was almost honest"

I don't Trust Myself with Loving You.

We've walked into tomorrow and some days it makes me wonder how we'll ever get through today.

How can I ever be enough if you won't let me..

I think I might have Inhaled You.

stop trying to be so sure of everything.
in the end, it makes you sure of nothing.


you love me-- and today that's enough.

We Found Love in a Hopeless Place.

they say not to do the things you love with your significant other because if it ends badly, you'll hate the things you once loved. i whole heartedly disagree. i think that if you really cared about that person, no matter how it ends, the things you love will still be the things you love because at one point in time you loved the person you were sharing them with. now that's not to say that it won't be difficult for a little while, of course it will. but let's be fair, what isn't difficult after it ends? not a lot, that's for sure. i guess what i'm saying is, i look back on those favorite movies and those favorite places and remember the good things about the past, not the way it ended or what it is now.

what i'm saying is, i walk outside and look up at the stars and those 300+ miles don't seem nearly as far.
what i'm saying is i love you.
and i wouldn't trade that moment for anything else in the world.

She said "I'm not Quite Myself Tonight, but the Way You Touch Me, oh, makes Me Tongue Tied... That Could be the Wine too."

it's not unusual for a boy to have some sort effect on me. but to make me so wild and on edge that i can't stand to be away from him? unheard of. he's cast this magnificent spell on me, one that has me yearning for his voice, his touch, his eyes, his smile...
he has five smiles..
one when he's talking about that stupid football team that i can't stand.
one when he's teasing me.
one when he's telling stories.
one when he's embarrassed.
and one when he's staring at me..
(if you've seen Win a Date with Tad Hamilton, you'll understand the reference.)
but i digress. the truth is, i'm just captivated by his very being. he's unlike anything else i've ever encountered..
he's my sunshine, and i won't let him go.

I'm Unusually Hard to Hold onto.

your voice is something beautiful, like a song that's whispered through the thoughts in my mind. yes, i miss you terribly, but this distance isn't killing me. it's saving you. it's strange because you see me for so much more than i am. i look into your eyes and just see you staring at this wretchedly perfect stranger. she looks lovely and caring and overwhelmingly honest but i don't think that's me. i've never been one to stick around for very long and maybe this inability to have you show up in front of me so often makes you something i want. you are something i want. something i want to love and cherish and never hurt (and that's the point where i usually run clear in the opposite direction)