I'm Falling More in Love with Every Single Word I Withhold.

i wonder about my first love, my best friend. did he know i meant it when i said i loved him. did he cry like i did when i told him he shouldn't be dating her. has he cried every time i've said that it should be me. did he listen or care. was i his back-up or was he just afraid he would lose me if he made a mistake.

i wonder about the one who didn't feel.

i wonder about the boy with the blue eyes and tangled tongue. is he still following his path with strength? i wonder if he's found that happiness i used to find when i was with him. i wonder if he feels accomplished in all that he's done, all that he plans to do. i wonder if Korea is treating him well and if he's oozing with stories to bring home to me. i wonder if this place will feel like home to him anymore. i wonder if he'll ever even return. i wonder if he remembers the promise he made me, because i do.

i wonder about the one with the surfer hair, who swore he would know God if he ever saw Him walking on the street. i wonder if he has ever kissed a girl yet or if he's even tried. i wonder if he learned true faith and how to accept death. i wonder if he's even come to see death with his own eyes. i wonder if life has left him unjaded and naive.

i wonder about the one who named me beautiful. i wonder how he's been. if he ever thinks of me and if we could have, should have, happened. i wonder if he knows that he was the first person who had ever called me that. i wonder if he could see on my face how awkward i was and how sad i felt.

i wonder about the one who sang me lullabies. the one that wrote songs in his sleep and forever spoke in lyrics. i wonder if he's missed me against his piano, humming along as i sketched. has he found someone new to charm him and bring about his smile?

i wonder about the confused one who loved me at the right time. i wonder if he's found new happiness in another love. i wonder if he really could ever have loved me in the first place. i wonder if when he kissed me, he truly felt something, or if those were just words.

i wonder about the one with the hair.

i wonder about the artist. i heard that he was happy with a new girl and that made me smile. was he all in my head. or should i have just reached out and grabbed hold of his heart. would we both be better off this way, in worlds far apart.

i wonder about the one from that bar that won me over with a word. i wonder if he makes up stories about his life or if he was honest. i wonder if he really wanted to take me on that date. i wonder if i should have given him a chance--- moreover i wonder if he wanted one. i wonder if he knew that taking him home was unlike me, or if he even cared. did he do that often with other girls and if he did, would it have mattered.

i wonder about the one who had never known how to love. i wonder if he knew why i refused to be his first. i wonder if he hates me for it.

i wonder about the one who loved me right at the wrong time. i wonder if there would have ever been a right time. i wonder if he will find someone new that will treat him as i did. i wonder if he'll be as comfortable with her as he was with me.

i wonder about the late night greeter. i wonder if he got bored of how little i felt. i wonder if my words scared him away. i wonder if he could ever just be friends with me--- because i'd like that.

i wonder about the one who seems unsure. i wonder if he ever thought of loving me. i wonder if he would. i wonder if when i'm gone he misses me and if he would ever tell me that. i wonder if he talks about me to his mother and if she can tell. i wonder if his brother ever teases him about the way he stares at me when i come over. i wonder if his brother has ever told him no. i wonder if it meant as much to him as it did to me and if he held my hand long after i'd fallen asleep. would he ever mention it to anyone and would they judge him about it. i wonder if he wants to protect me--- or if those were just lines. i wonder if he really watched over me that one night, and thought of all the secrets he wanted to spill from his mouth. i wonder if he whispered them to me and that was why my dreams were so calming that night. i wonder if i said his name in my sleep and it made him smile. i wonder if he knows i want to make him smile for the rest of my life.


i read this today, http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/wonder-about-them-all-the-time/ (yes, that's your cue to read it), and decided that i wanted to write something like it myself.

Even the Things that seem Still are still Changing

my first day of college, i walked on campus and saw this boy. you know, those people that you kind of gawk at? not in a rude way; just because you can't help yourself. i thought i'd never see him again, no big deal. wrong. he just so happened to be everywhere i was. maybe it was to get me to notice him or maybe it's because i knew his face, i don't know. but he had this way of catching me off guard and unnerving me.

once the spring hit, i had a tendency to sit on top of this hill near the edge of one of my buildings on campus. i would bring out my laptop, hook up my headphones and listen to music while writing up papers or doing assignments. i remember the teal shirt i was wearing and those awful jeans. i remember just having gotten bangs and letting my hair sail down from the clip and be picked up by the wind. that one faithful day he trudged up the hill and just plopped down next to me. i looked around seeing if it was me he was staring at and realized i was the only person on the hill, aside from him. my awkward gawking lasted a few seconds before he offered a "hey" and began to talk to me. i unwillingly took out my headphones, knowing this was some game. some strange, twisted daydream i would wake from if my music stopped. but stop it did, and he was still in front of me. we talked for what seemed like forever yet only seconds at the same time. finally he stood, dusted off his jeans and prepared to trudge back the way he came. he stopped to turn to me, "by the way, i'm ___." he paused waiting for me to return the gesture. "oh, i'm ___." he smiled, shaking my hand. "i umm came up here because you looked like someone i knew." i laughed, finally gaining my confidence, "let's not pretend you thought i was someone else." he flushed "well, you're much prettier than emily actually."

the semesters rolled by and still he was everywhere; some days less acknowledged then others, but present all the same. eventually he went on to exist outside of campus: around my town, outside of my job, at the mall, at the movies. it was like seeing a teacher out of the classroom; unnerving. we would glance at each other, sometimes stare even but never approach; never acknowledge with a nod or smile.

today i walked into the shoprite near my job after a long day of work and wandered aimlessly from one aisle to the next gathering the food written on my list; dancing a little bit to whatever song came on shuffle. it's a usual routine, so usual in fact that i know exactly where everything is and get it in the same order every other week: through the produce, down the juice aisle, up the cereal aisle, along the fresh meat, down the pasta aisle and so on until i reach the end of the store; dairy. i wobble a little as i turn the cart in my unrealistically high black heels. i'm mouthing the words to "savior" and probably making an ass of myself, but at 9PM i hardly care. i glance up and meet the eyes of someone down the end of the aisle dressed up in a nice shirt and tie. he was obviously smirking at my performance. i felt my head cock to the side and my forehead furrow trying to place the face i was looking at. it clicked and i felt my face flush with color. i felt betrayed, like my sanctuary (yes, that's right, shoprite is my sanctuary!) had been invaded. why did he have to be everywhere i was? everywhere i didn't want him to be? i shook the thought from my mind and looked towards the shelves, reaching for what i needed and beginning to mouth lyrics again. i felt his eyes bore into my head.
food shopping is a quick swing for me, 30 minutes and done but not today, no of course not. not the one day that i'm itching to run in the opposite direction. i was approached by a cashier while in the self check out lane... two in fact, but i digress. the second wondered if he could ask me for some advice. i smiled, paused my music and nodded. he went on to talk about his relationship, all the while i saw the boy all dressed in his tie through the reflection in the window i was facing. why did he have to pick that aisle to stock? why did he have to be so close that i could watch him staring? my body tensed but i listened all the same, trying my best to avoid the feeling of being watched. 20 minutes passed, then 30 and still i stood facing away from the aisle he worked in, glancing over my shoulder every opportunity i could find while still looking natural.

i don't make him nervous, not nearly as nervous as he makes me. if i do, he composes himself with such grace it's appalling.