I'm Falling More in Love with Every Single Word I Withhold.

i wonder about my first love, my best friend. did he know i meant it when i said i loved him. did he cry like i did when i told him he shouldn't be dating her. has he cried every time i've said that it should be me. did he listen or care. was i his back-up or was he just afraid he would lose me if he made a mistake.

i wonder about the one who didn't feel.

i wonder about the boy with the blue eyes and tangled tongue. is he still following his path with strength? i wonder if he's found that happiness i used to find when i was with him. i wonder if he feels accomplished in all that he's done, all that he plans to do. i wonder if Korea is treating him well and if he's oozing with stories to bring home to me. i wonder if this place will feel like home to him anymore. i wonder if he'll ever even return. i wonder if he remembers the promise he made me, because i do.

i wonder about the one with the surfer hair, who swore he would know God if he ever saw Him walking on the street. i wonder if he has ever kissed a girl yet or if he's even tried. i wonder if he learned true faith and how to accept death. i wonder if he's even come to see death with his own eyes. i wonder if life has left him unjaded and naive.

i wonder about the one who named me beautiful. i wonder how he's been. if he ever thinks of me and if we could have, should have, happened. i wonder if he knows that he was the first person who had ever called me that. i wonder if he could see on my face how awkward i was and how sad i felt.

i wonder about the one who sang me lullabies. the one that wrote songs in his sleep and forever spoke in lyrics. i wonder if he's missed me against his piano, humming along as i sketched. has he found someone new to charm him and bring about his smile?

i wonder about the confused one who loved me at the right time. i wonder if he's found new happiness in another love. i wonder if he really could ever have loved me in the first place. i wonder if when he kissed me, he truly felt something, or if those were just words.

i wonder about the one with the hair.

i wonder about the artist. i heard that he was happy with a new girl and that made me smile. was he all in my head. or should i have just reached out and grabbed hold of his heart. would we both be better off this way, in worlds far apart.

i wonder about the one from that bar that won me over with a word. i wonder if he makes up stories about his life or if he was honest. i wonder if he really wanted to take me on that date. i wonder if i should have given him a chance--- moreover i wonder if he wanted one. i wonder if he knew that taking him home was unlike me, or if he even cared. did he do that often with other girls and if he did, would it have mattered.

i wonder about the one who had never known how to love. i wonder if he knew why i refused to be his first. i wonder if he hates me for it.

i wonder about the one who loved me right at the wrong time. i wonder if there would have ever been a right time. i wonder if he will find someone new that will treat him as i did. i wonder if he'll be as comfortable with her as he was with me.

i wonder about the late night greeter. i wonder if he got bored of how little i felt. i wonder if my words scared him away. i wonder if he could ever just be friends with me--- because i'd like that.

i wonder about the one who seems unsure. i wonder if he ever thought of loving me. i wonder if he would. i wonder if when i'm gone he misses me and if he would ever tell me that. i wonder if he talks about me to his mother and if she can tell. i wonder if his brother ever teases him about the way he stares at me when i come over. i wonder if his brother has ever told him no. i wonder if it meant as much to him as it did to me and if he held my hand long after i'd fallen asleep. would he ever mention it to anyone and would they judge him about it. i wonder if he wants to protect me--- or if those were just lines. i wonder if he really watched over me that one night, and thought of all the secrets he wanted to spill from his mouth. i wonder if he whispered them to me and that was why my dreams were so calming that night. i wonder if i said his name in my sleep and it made him smile. i wonder if he knows i want to make him smile for the rest of my life.


i read this today, http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/wonder-about-them-all-the-time/ (yes, that's your cue to read it), and decided that i wanted to write something like it myself.

I'm just Saying You Could do Better.

dear someone,

i think you've misunderstood who i am; how this works. i am not here just when it is convenient. i am not here when you want me to be or when you decide you need someone to talk to. i am not here for that time you got drunk and realized you were all alone. i am not here because you need me when you feel like needing me. i am here because this is where i decided to be for myself, not to make your life a little easier.
my life goes on without you the same way it did before i knew you existed. i am not like the other girls that swoon and melt over your good words and compliments. i am not interested in anything you can offer me. this is meant to be something fun, not something complicated.
if you would like to be with other girls, please, be my guest. go off and find someone more willing to be with you without any meaning behind it. because god knows i'm no good at it. i can't treat you like you're something beautiful if i don't find you to be something beautiful.
however, i am not a backup girl for when plans fall through. i am not a girl that will stroke your ego, because frankly, you shouldn't have one at all. when you are out with another girl, i am not home missing you and wishing you'd call. i'm out dancing with my friends and being charmed by men over drinks. when my phone buzzes, your name is not the one i expect and/or want to see on it's ID. i don't need you in order to clarify my meaning in life.
what i mean to say is, i am not waiting for you to take that second glance and say "my god, it's her." and if that time comes, somewhere down the road, i won't be surprised to hear you say it. nor will i cry and say "i've been waiting all this time." not because you don't seem to be a sweet boy, but because you never caught my eye. i could be your friend if that's what you want and we could have fun from time to time. but that's just it, you need to treat me as a person above all else.

- the cartographer above all else.

You made a Rebel of a Careless Man's Careful Daughter

it wasn't anything. it was what i wanted at the time and nothing more. i've become more spontaneous than i'm used to. i remember being cautious, careful being so caught up in life i forgot it involved living. i'm done with that now, i'm done waiting for the rain to wash away my problems. i am not broken, it took years of being broken to figure that out, but i've done it. more than that, i know that i don't need you to assure me of my worth. i will not become worthless if you deem me so. i have learned to love myself, and i have you to thank for that.

if love was simple, we would all have it. if being in love was simple, no one would put any fight into it.